“I know it doesn’t seem like you’re doing anything but sitting by the phone…”
Eyeing the phone, I raise an eyebrow.
“Okay, so maybe you are sitting by the phone…”
“Exactly,” I grunt. “Fuck this,” I add, lifting the phone. Before Sunny can try to stop me from making the call, I punch in Jack’s number. On the third ring, his voice sounds and relief instantly floods me.
“Black,” he says, defeat heavy in his tone.
“How is she?”
“Reina called Dr. Spiegel on the way home and she made us meet her at the hospital.”
“The hospital?”
“Black, it’s bad. They admitted her. Spiegel is going to do a psych evaluation tomorrow and then, I think the plan is to call in the OBGYN—”
Still stuck on psych evaluation, I cut him off.
“Wait, back up. They admitted her for a psych evaluation,” I repeat back, looking at Sunny for some sort of clarity, knowing she can’t give it to me.
“Yeah, she’s in the psych ward, Black,” he elaborates, his voice cracking as he says my name. “All these years, we thought it would be me,” he rasps. “Instead, it’s my daughter. I should’ve realized she was struggling.”
“Lacey wasn’t going to let anyone in on that, Jack, because of the baby,” I tell him. “She was determined to stay off her meds.”
“Well, as I said, Spiegel is bringing in her OBGYN to consult on treatment. With you being where you are, I’m her proxy. I don’t think it has to be said, but in case you need to hear it anyway, I won’t make any decisions that aren’t in both Lacey and the baby’s best interest. Spiegel hinted that she plans on starting Lace back on Lithium so long as Heltzer says it’s safe. You good with that call or you want me to get a second opinion?
“Heltzer was concerned for the baby during the first trimester,” I tell him. “He said any possible birth defects would usually occur during that period. So, if putting her back on the meds is what they say she needs, then give the okay.”
“That’s what I figured,” he says. “She’s gonna fucking hate it.”
“You just gotta remind her our daughter needs her mother. Tell her she’s carried her this far that she can’t give up now. The baby is safe. It’s time to make her mother safe.”
Safe from herself.
From that fucking bitch in her head.
“And while you’re at it, tell her I love her, will you? I don’t know if it sunk in while she was here, but you make sure she knows that, Jack. Make sure she knows how fucking proud I am of her too. Tell her she’s the best mother, the only woman I’d ever want for my daughter’s mother.”
I know I’m rambling but it’s true.
Lacey doesn’t realize how selfless she’s been or how blessed our daughter is. If someone was to grant me one wish, I’d wish our daughter is just as compassionate as the woman who made her.
“Will do.”
“Thank you.”
“Man, stop thanking me,” he growls.
“I don’t know if that will ever happen,” I admit. “Can I ask one more favor?”
“Gonna start charging you.”
“I’m good for it,” I reply.
“You sure about that? I know what you’re paying that fucking lawyer…”
“I’m not hurting, Jack.”
“The favor?”
“As soon as you know something, will you call here?”
“Give him my number,” Sunny offers, pulling out her phone. She turns the screen to me, and I recite the number to Jack. He vows to call tomorrow with an update and before we end the call, he calls my name one more time.
“I’m sorry you didn’t get the chance to make amends with her. For what it’s worth, I know for a fact her heart forgives you.”
I know that too.
I also know I’ve got forever to make her mind forgive me as well.
“I’ve got forever to make amends with her,” I reply. “Besides, it’s not the words that she needs. It’s the actions.”
Sunny smiles.
“You do listen when I talk.”
Sometimes.
Chapter Fifty-Seven
Lacey
Tears slide down my cheeks as I stare at the tiny paper cup in Dr. Spiegel’s hand.
“Lacey, Dr. Heltzer has assured us that it’s safe for you to take the pills,” my father murmurs.
“I’ve lessened the dosage as an extra precaution,” Dr. Spiegel chimes in. “But Lacey, you saw for yourself this morning when Dr. Heltzer performed a 4D sonogram of the baby. She’s doing just fine. All she needs is her mommy to be well and the best way we can do that for her is by controlling your mood swings.”
Maybe they’re right.
All the books I’ve been reading and all the google searches I’ve been conducting say my daughter’s heart was fully formed eight weeks into the pregnancy and any congenital heart defects usually happen during that time. Science says she’s out of the woods. There are no proven facts that state taking Lithium in the third trimester can result in any harm. In fact, if you look it up, you’ll see most doctors encourage patients like me to return to their meds after the second trimester. By then there is no longer a fear for the baby as much as there is for the mother.
“Lace, look at me,” my father pleads. “I spoke to Blackie last night.” I turn my eyes toward him and wipe my cheeks with the back of my hands. I made such a mess of things at his amends. Actually, I took a serious moment in his recovery and made it all about me and my demons. Talk about being a supportive wife. I fucking sucked.
Even with the fog of dark thoughts clouding my head, I don’t think I’ll ever forget the look on his face when I confessed to often thinking about hurting myself. I’ve never seen him look so heartbroken before. So fucking defeated. In a way, it was like looking in a mirror. I imagine I had the same expression on my face every time he confessed to relapsing. They say love isn’t supposed to be hard. That it isn’t supposed to hurt. But I think love is only hard when you love hard. It hurts when you have too much to lose. If love was easy it wouldn’t be rare, and the rarest things are often the most beautiful. Maybe I’m being naïve. Maybe my heart is speaking louder than my mind. Maybe I need to believe love is the antidote to what medicine can’t fix. Maybe I need love to bridge the gap between my head and mind so that I have the strength to find my way out of this debilitating darkness.
“He wanted me to remind you how much he loves you and that the baby needs her mom and he’s right, Lacey. Think about us, you and me,” he says, pausing to point between us. “…every time I thought about checking out, I told myself you and Danny needed me well.”
“I know you’re right,” I reply. “It just doesn’t make it any easier.”
Tearing my eyes away from him, I look back at the cup in Dr. Spiegel’s hand.
“What happens after I take the pills?”
“Well, as you know it will take time for your body to react to the medication. After speaking with Dr. Heltzer, we both agree that it would be best if you remain in the hospital so we can monitor you and the baby.”