The three of us are silent for a few moments, and then Colleen breaks it. “Well, at least you’re going to get to clear your head. And wouldn’t we all want to be on a flight to Hawaii in a few days?”
“Damn straight. I wish I was going with you.” Dahlia pours herself another glass.
At least there is that. With the criminal trial, or plea deal, past us, I can take the girls on a vacation away. Their mental state is much better, having had a few months to recover from the whole Shane ordeal, but I want to give them some carefree moments. Away from their hometown, this condo, and the scenes of the crimes of the past few years.
So, we’re flying to Hawaii, where my parents will meet us, for a week’s vacation on my uncle’s coffee farm. I think it’s just what the doctor ordered.
And maybe that serene blue ocean and black sand beach can cure some of the agony still slicing through the organ in my chest.
32
Walker
“What are you doing here?”
Sinclair asks as I unload some healthy groceries Mom ordered for him. “Stocking your fridge, you could say you’re welcome.”
I hear my brother’s annoyed huff in the background. “I’m not twelve, Walker. I can get my own food.”
Could have fooled me. It’s on the tip of my tongue, but I don’t feel like arguing.
“You’ve been a miserable piece of shit the last few months.” My brother’s insult needles at my ribs like a small, sharp knife.
I throw him a sardonic look. “It’s so nice to hear that from someone whose needs I’ve been putting before my own.”
“I never asked you to do that. I fucked up, me. You never had to hold my hand or lead me down the right path.” Sin shrugs.
“Can you just say thank you, for once?” Frustration feels like it’s steaming out of my ears.
“Can you just be honest, for once? I know you don’t want to be here, helping me. I know you don’t want to be Dad’s errand boy, sitting in on endless boring-ass meetings and smiling for the cameras. What gives, Walker?”
He’s finally gotten under my skin, which I think was his intention, and I slam a gallon of milk down on the counter.
“What gives is that you finally pushed me away far enough that you almost fucking died! And in the time when I actually did take my own happiness into account, I found this bright, incredible woman who I thought I would love forever. But how the fuck am I supposed to provide for her, when I can’t even be there to make sure my own family doesn’t go down in flames? My entire life, I’ve been Dad’s errand boy so nothing would come down on you! I did that for you! And you repay me with this fucking attitude when all I’m trying to do is help. You think I want to be doing these things? Hell, no. I want to be with the woman I fell in love with, but I let her go. So fuck me for trying to help you, right?”
Sinclair looks positively stunned. I’ve never lashed out at him quite like this, or let him in on such a personal side of my life.
“Jesus Christ, if you’re in love with a woman, then what the hell are you doing here? Is she hot? Do I know her?”
I roll my eyes at my brother’s second and third questions. “That’s all you care about? If she’s hot or not?”
“It would help me knowing that. I’ve gotten used to my weekly grocery delivery. If I’m giving that up, it better be for a hot chick.” He smirks.
“You’re such a prick.” I shoo him off like a fly.
Sin catches my elbow. “Walker, I’m sorry. Seriously, if she is what makes you happy, why aren’t you with her?”
I sigh. “It’s … she has a lot of baggage. Is going through a divorce, has kids …”
“Wait a fucking minute.” He eyes me suspiciously. “This isn’t Hannah Giraldi, is it? Is this why Dad has been bitching about her and Shane to me incessantly?”
“Yes, it’s Hannah. But I broke things off. After your accident, I just … I don’t know how I’m supposed to become this partner and father figure if I can’t even keep your ass in line.” I put my elbows down on his kitchen counter and sink my temples into my hands.
Sinclair is quiet for a moment, but then I feel him come up next to me. “Dude, I’m a fucking mess. We all know that. There is no way that two little kids and a woman, one who seems pretty damn cool all on her own, are worse to wrangle than I am. And you’re just using that as an excuse. One that allows you to be scared. Is it a lot? Sure. But if you say you love her, then it should all be worth it.”
I peer up at him through spliced fingers, and he continues.
“You steal bases, man, that’s what you do. You take the risk, walk the tightrope, and sometimes you get burned. But shit, you’re fun to watch. Thrilling, even. You don’t back down, and you typically always make the best play of the game. Go make your best fucking play. Isn’t this the most epic game of your life? Isn’t this the ending you really want? Go get her.”
My brother is looking at me like I’m some kind of dumb, blind moron.
“It’s not that easy.” I shake my head, telling both him and me, “I’m the one who ended things. She probably hates me, as it is. I told her I’d be there for her, and in her toughest time, I wasn’t.”
“No time like the present for apologizing. Come on, look at you. With some puppy dog eyes thrown in, she has to forgive you.” He grins.
“I have the All-Star game, and Colleen says she’s going to Hawaii for a family trip.” Just another excuse to throw out.
Sinclair shrugs. “Skip it. You’ve been to enough. Opt out.”
“Dad would love that.” I whistle through my teeth.
“Aren’t you about done doing Dad’s bidding? I know I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum, being the black sheep and all, but you need to live your own life, brother. For as long as I can remember, you’ve said how high, even if Dad didn’t say jump. You’re a grown-ass man, Walker, and if you want to fly to Hawaii to tell the love of your life that you can’t live without her, well, shit, you know I would have been on a plane a week ago. Take one out of my playbook. Live recklessly. Go get what you want out of life.”
For as fucked up as my brother is, he’s surprisingly right about this. Something clicks in my head.
Why the hell am I doing all of these things that make me so unhappy? Why am I punishing myself for mistakes and goals that aren’t my own?
Why did I let the one woman I’ve ever loved walk out of my life? Why did I push her to leave?
I’ve spent the last three months being a miserable sack of shit, hating every moment of my waking existence. I’m lonely, tired, and miss Hannah so much that my hair follicles hurt.
There is nothing else to do but take my brother’s advice; go run for that base and hope I make it there in time.
The ride to Hannah’s house takes me fifteen minutes when it should normally take twenty. But when I get there, no one is home. I haven’t called her in three months, if I do it now, would she even pick up?
I call the one person who will know where she is, even if that person is going to make me wade through hell and high water to find out any information.