And six hours later, I’m flying over the US toward Hawaii.
33
Hannah
The sand crunches beneath my feet, and a breeze seems to pass straight through my bones.
They’re contented and sated, something about the air on Oahu and the way it seems to heal your soul has completely worked on me during this trip. I arrived at my uncle’s coffee farm two days ago with the girls, and the vacation has been a peaceful balm to my soul.
I shouldn’t have waited so long to come back. Even though I only lived here for a short time as a girl, there is something that grounds me to the islands. Call it ancestral or some kind of blood magic, but I just feel so blissed out as I walk along the beach.
My daughters went into town with my mom, who came to spend the week with us here from her home in California. Thank God for my wonderful family who would do anything for my girls, because it gives me a little alone time. I’ve been taking these daily walks in the afternoon, on one of the empty beaches that only locals seem to know about. I wish I could stay here forever, but I know our home is in Pennsylvania for now. It’s not even their father tying us there anymore, but my work now. I don’t want to leave Siesta; I want to see cosmetology school through.
There have been so many times over the years that I’ve started something and given up, or just didn’t even get it off the ground due to the fear of failure. I won’t do that again. I love the salon I am working in, and I have found an ally in Ginny. I want to prove to myself, and to her, that I am a great caliber hairdresser who can really be an asset to her clients and business.
The warm air caresses my skin as I walk back onto my uncle’s property. Dozens and dozens of acres of farmland, all used to grow coffee beans, lay before my eyes. Some of the workers they employ are in the fields, tending them, and I raise a hand in greeting. The smell is divine, and I know that a week won’t do me any justice. I wish I could hole up and hide here from the world for a few months.
I pull open the creaky, love worn door of the old ranch house my aunt and uncle have lived in for nearly thirty years.
And almost promptly keel over.
“Wha … how … what are you doing here?” My voice sounds foreign in my ears.
Walker Callahan stands to his full height, dwarfing my stout, round Hawaiian relatives who have gathered to welcome him, and in his blue eyes I see hope, apologies and full-on love that nearly bowls me over.
“Hannah.” He says my name like a prayer.
“You didn’t tell us you were expecting someone.” My Aunt Kileen sends me a suggestive grin, because clearly she thinks Walker is a catch.
And my lord, he is. In blue khaki shorts, a white short-sleeved Hawaiian shirt with yellow flowers printed on it, and a multi-day old scruff, he looks like an island fantasy come alive. He even looks tanner as he sits in front of me, and I don’t know how that’s remotely possible.
“Because I didn’t know he was coming,” I tell her, then shoot a scowl at Walker. “How did you know I was here?”
His shrug is sheepish. “I may have bribed Dahlia into telling me where you were. I went to your house, but no one was there.”
I’m going to kill my sister. “I was there for three months. You never showed up.”
That was petty, but it’s true. Those first few weeks after he ended things, I thought he’d show up. I thought he’d come around and make excuses, and I’d act strong and make him work for it, but we’d fall right back into the intensity we shared.
It never happened, though. And now here he is, right when I thought I was doing okay. I’m on my own two feet, I made it to the place I can breathe some peaceful air. So, of course, Walker has to barge right in like some devastatingly handsome white knight who is breaking my heart all over again just standing in front of me.
“We’re just going to give you two a little time alone.” Aunt Kileen’s brows shoot up as she shoos everyone out of the room.
I go too, walking right back out the rickety door and onto the palm-tree dotted lawn.
“I’m sorry, I should have called first, but I didn’t think you’d want to see me.” He’s following me, and I head right back out to the path down to the beach.
“You’re right, I don’t want to see you. I don’t even know why you came here. It’s been months, Walker. Months that were very hard, and stressful, and I went through that. Alone. You don’t get to show up when it’s all bright and shiny, and expect me to … what? Why are you even here?”
“Because I love you, Hannah. I’m in love with you, and I’ve been miserable the past few months trying to deny that to myself.”
Those three little words sew up all the cracks in my heart, and I hate that they do. I hate that it’s the first time he’s saying them, and we’re not even together. I hate that they’re a bargaining chip.
My head is reeling, and the bliss I just felt out by the sea has evaporated. I stomp down the path, throwing angry looks over my shoulder.
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Walker. I haven’t seen you in three and a half months. You broke up with me, ended this, and my heart … it sank. To the bottom of the freaking ocean. I had nothing more to lose, and yet, I lost even more.”
He reaches out, his fingers grazing my elbow. “I’m sorry, I know, I’m so sorry. Please, just talk to me. I hate how I acted, how messed up I was that night. I just … I couldn’t think straight. I kept thinking everything I touched would rot, and that eventually, I’d let you down just like I let Sinclair down.”
“So instead of working it out together, instead of hearing what I thought, you just dumped me? That night was pure hell, Walker. All I wanted was for you to wrap me up in your arms, and instead, you walked out on me.”
My voice is one giant sob, and the pain I felt so many months ago is fresh and pungent. It rips at me, revealing just how many cuts I still have that aren’t healed even though I swore they were.
We finally break free of the path, the ocean crashing down onto the shore in front of us. I want to scream into its void, because as much fury as I feel, there is also love behind it. God, the majority of my body and heart wants to throw itself into his arms and never let go. Dignity be damned.
Love, so potent and right, that is what’s between us. But I’ve had that before, and it soured. I can’t risk losing myself in another man, because Walker has proven he can break my heart exactly the way Shane did.
“Hannah, I swear, give me one more chance and I will never hurt you again. I know what I did was wrong, I fucked up. But you? You. Are. It. For. Me.” Every word drips with sincerity, and I almost see tears in his sapphire eyes when I turn to face him. “I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. I’ll beg, I’ll plead. I’ll wait as long as it takes for you to trust me again. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again. Just … please. Don’t shut me out. Don’t close the door. Make me work for it, I’ll do anything. But I can’t live without you. And I’m pretty sure you feel the same about me.”
I’m left speechless, floundering with tears stuck hot and heavy in the back of my throat. Of course I can’t live without him. I’ve cried myself to sleep for months whenever I think about him in my bed.