Now he’s here, in the most perfect place, saying everything I want to hear. Something is holding me back, though.
So I don’t say anything. I don’t say no, but I don’t say yes either. I just walk off down the beach, knowing I have a million more thoughts to resolve than what I ventured up to the farm with just minutes ago.
34
Walker
It takes Hannah two full days to actually talk to me.
In that time, I help her uncle and his sons clear some of the coffee fields. They teach me about harvesting, and I get to experience some of the best tastes and smells I’ll ever get in my life.
Hawaii is absolutely beautiful, and when they’re having their family dinners around the picnic tables on the ranch each night, I go exploring. I don’t want to intrude on Hannah’s time with her family and end up eating at a lot of the local eateries her uncle tells me about. One night I eat fresh monkfish by the ocean, another I enjoy a Mexican meal that I swear came from South America itself.
I realize, as I sip a mojito at a roadside stand one afternoon, that this trip isn’t about just coming to win Hannah back. I needed it more than I ever realized. It’s been years since I’ve done something exclusively for me. And even though Dad blew a gasket when I took off and put in my notice that I wasn’t playing in the All-Star game, this was so worth it.
There are five more days until the break ends for those players who weren’t selected to play in that game, and I am worrying only a tiny bit. If I don’t make it back, then I don’t make it back. My father will come down on me, but I meant what I said to Hannah. I’m not going anywhere.
Up until this point, I’ve been staying in a luxury hotel in town. But Hannah’s aunt Kileen, and her mother, secretly offered me the keys to their little beach shack just down the path of their property. It isn’t five stars, and it doesn’t come with anything other than a flattened mattress on a rusty frame and a running sink. But it’s authentic. I can hear the sound of the ocean at night and see the stars from the little screened-in porch. Plus, it keeps me close to Hannah, and I want her to know that I’ll stay for as long as she needs until she can either scream at me, or kiss me. I’m hoping it’s the latter, but a guy can dream.
Her mom has already warmed to me, I guess Dahlia had something to do with that. Kileen is the more talkative of the two elder sisters. She kind of reminds me of Dahlia in that way. But Hannah is all her mother, Joan. Quiet, thoughtful, and delicate, Hannah’s mother reminds me of why her own daughter is such a rare person. We’ve connected over the days I’ve been here, and I like to think she’s rooting for me.
When I walk out in the early morning, my body and mind feeling clearer than they have in months despite still not being made up with Hannah, I spot her petite frame walking through the rows of coffee bean plants.
Those midnight curls are swirling around her tanned, high cheekbones. I know, from days of studying her, that there is a bridge of tiny freckles over her nose. Her eyes are bluer than the ocean just outside this hut, and she looks refreshed. Her bones move with an easier grace, there seems to be a weight lifted from her shoulders. She looks like an angel, walking down the beach path, and I know from the past two mornings that she’s going for a walk out on the shores.
If we could stay in this bubble forever, with her accepting my apology, I’d give that to her. Anything to make her happy.
“You belong here,” I say, leaning against a railing on the porch.
She jumps, unaware possibly that I’ve been staying here, but definitely unaware that anyone was watching her.
“I’m going to kill my family members,” she grumbles, standing awkwardly right outside the small dwelling.
I shrug. “Don’t take it out on them. I’m just charming, remember?”
I’m pretty sure that ego and confidence will get me nowhere, but it’s a tactic I haven’t tried, so it’s worth a shot.
“When are you going to just leave?” She blows out an exasperated breath.
“I’m not. I’m never going anywhere, Hannah. I love you.”
“I wish you’d stop saying that.” Her voice breaks, and she wraps her arms around herself.
“It’s true. I should have told you a long time ago. I should have stolen your heart, rescued you from him. I hate that I was such a coward, both then and the night of Sinclair’s accident. But I’m not shying away, not ever.”
“Don’t you have games? You’re just going to, what? Miss the entire season. You’re a Callahan, duty and all that is calling.” Hannah’s voice is the most condescending I’ve ever heard it be.
It strikes me that I’ve hurt her far worse than I, and maybe even she, anticipated.
I shrug. “Yes, but you are more important.”
“Just like that? Just on a dime, I’ve suddenly become the most important thing?”
I move toward her, cautiously stepping off the porch, but Hannah doesn’t back away. So much of me wishes I could take her mouth, just stop all this talking in circles and show her exactly what I feel. But I know that would get me nowhere. Instead, I lightly ghost my hands around her waist, and my body lights up at the contact I’ve missed for so long.
“I will never be him. I will never hurt you, not again. I will put you, and those precious girls, before anything. Baseball, the Callahan name, my own well-being. It only took one stupid, reality-slamming second for me to realize that I was living a lie for three months. There is no world for me if you’re not in it. I was walking around in denial, a shell of a man. I couldn’t wait one second longer to tell you that, to try to convince you that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Hannah won’t look at me, and then I see it. A single tear, sparkling in the morning rays as it slides down her cheek.
“I’m scared. I’m scared to love you as much as I already do. My love life has been a series of nightmares. How do I know they’re not over? You hurt me, Walker. So badly. When you left, I feel like my world went dark. You have the power to destroy me, way worse than he ever did.”
Her voice sounds so small. I lean in, pressing my forehead to the side of her temple as she tries to turn away from me. I breathe her natural scent, and she smells like the coffee plants and vanilla. My hands hold her waist tighter, pulling her into me until we’re practically chest to chest.
“You have so much more power, Hannah. You’ve been standing on your own for far longer than you know. I’m in awe of you every second. Don’t need me, don’t rely on me. I’ll do both of those for you. I’ll be the one who loves you more, who has more to lose. I’d be honored. Please, just be with me.”
Finally, finally, she turns her chin so that our noses rub together.
“How could I not need you? How could I not love you? I’m so blinded by it, I can barely think when you’re around.”
Then we’re not talking at all. Our mouths act of their own accord, meeting spectacularly in the middle. And we express every pent-up emotion, every ounce of love we possess, using our bodies.
35
Hannah