I run my other hand up her back, massaging her neck as I gaze at the side of her face. She closes her eyes, leaning into my fingers as I rub out a knot or two. When I kiss her cheek, she turns to capture my lips with hers. It isn’t just one kiss. It turns to two and then three before we put our glasses on the table so we can use our hands on each other. I roll her so she is underneath me, angling my hips between her legs to feel her hot center through her lounge pants. I cradle her jaw with my hand, kissing her with such need as her hands come up to cup my hands. We kiss, long and with tenderness. My blood is sizzling with want, and my heart hasn’t slowed down even a bit.
When she pulls back, I open my eyes to meet her gaze. Gone is the passion, and back is the uncertainty from before. I look at her as she stares into my eyes. I wait, and she doesn’t say anything, so I wait some more. Finally, unable to handle the silence and the not kissing, I say, “While I want to know everything, Jay, I want it to be on your terms.”
She swallows hard, her eyes a bit glossy but not enough to form tears. She licks her lips as she gazes into my eyes. “I don’t have an issue with interracial couples. I obviously like both black and white men, but there are people—”
“Fuck ’em,” I say simply, not even hearing this noise. “I don’t give a shit about them. I only care about you.”
“Aren’t you worried about what people will—”
“No. Not even a little bit.” The rage that is boiling inside me is scary. “I will physically fight anyone who has anything to say. I am a hockey player. I’ll take a ten-minute major for you any time, any day.”
Her lips curve, and I can feel her heart pounding so unbelievably hard. “I don’t know what that means. But what if it negatively affects your custody battle?”
I note her lack of hockey knowledge. I really need to educate her. “It won’t,” I announce. “I won’t let it.”
“Lilly could.”
“Jaylin, Lilly has nothing to say. She abandoned her child. Nothing. She doesn’t get to say anything. I won’t let her.”
“I don’t want to mess this up for you—”
“Jaylin,” I insist, and her eyes widen. “The custody battle is what it is. I’m going to win because I’m a good dad. It doesn’t matter who I am dating, what color she is, or anything else. I am a good dad, and I will protect my daughter. You said it yourself.”
She nods slowly. “I agree.”
“Then let it go and don’t speak about it again,” I stress, and she nods once more. “I hope you weren’t trying to use that as an excuse to blow me off.”
She scoffs, her fingers dancing along my chin. “I don’t want to blow you off. That’s why I was sitting in my car. I wanted to spend time with Celeste and you, and find myself under you like this, but I’m petrified. But I’m also tired of not chasing my happiness when it comes to a man I want.”
“There’s been more than me?” I tease, trying to lighten the mood, and she grins.
“Not like this. I think that’s why I’m so scared.”
“Don’t be. I want my happiness too, and you are a part of that.”
She takes in a deep breath, her eyes never leaving mine. “You’re sure?”
“Absolutely.”
Her lips tremble a bit, and she closes her eyes. “You’re so certain.”
“I am, and I think you are too, deep inside.” I run my finger down her throat to her chest before bumping her chin with my hand. She opens her eyes then, and a single tear slides down her cheek. I wipe it away quickly, cupping her jaw as I stroke her cheek with my thumb. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
She lets out a harsh sigh before she blurts out, “I was raped.”
Her hand slaps over her mouth, her eyes widen in shock, and it’s easy to tell she wasn’t expecting to admit that so boldly. I wish I could explain the pure, hot fury that explodes through my body. I want to rip off this man’s dick and stuff it down his throat. I have never felt so much rage in my life, but then, I’ve never been on the receiving end of those words from a woman I care about before. “When?”
“When I was in college,” she says slowly and with so much fear in her eyes, I can almost feel her shaking. “The reason I don’t stay with men is because I used to stay over at my ex’s fraternity house a lot. There was a party, and I was tired, so I went upstairs to his room. Next thing I know, I’m being awoken by not only him but his fraternity brother.” She closes her eyes, and my stomach drops, knowing the rest.
“You don’t have to tell me any more.”
She drops her head to my lips, taking in a deep breath as the sob rips through her body. “He held me down as his friend raped me. The whole time, calling me a disabled hoe since I was missing my breasts at the time. He said, ‘This is how hoes get treated.’”
“Give me his name,” I demand, stroking her head, but she doesn’t.
“I blacked out from it all. And when I woke up, he turned it around, saying he found me fucking his friend and that I was nothing but a whore. He was very emotionally abusive, but it wasn’t until after I had fallen in love with him that he started abusing me. I had never been in love before, so I allowed him to behave that way until that moment. I kicked him straight in his dick and left. I transferred out of the dorms to live with my parents until I graduated.”
I’m shaking with anger, but when she lifts her head, her eyes are flooded with tears. “I know it’s crazy, but that trauma pushed me to go to law school. I want to help people, women. I have been able to. What I went through sucks, and I know that, believe me. But it had to happen for me to be where I am.” She is so strong. So resilient.
As I gaze at her, I feel like I’m falling over the edge. Fuck it, I don’t want to be caught or stopped.
“I feel like a train wreck,” she admits, and I cup her jaw.
I give her a small smile. “You’re not, sweetheart.”
She examines me. “Are you disgusted by me?”
“Not at all,” I say incredulously. “Why would I be?”
“Because of what I just said.”
“Jaylin, I’m in awe of you.”
“You are?”
“Completely. You overcame a trauma and made something even stronger of yourself. How can I be anything but proud of you?”
“I’ve never told anyone. Not even my therapist when I was going to one.”
My heart swells. “I’m thankful you trust me.”
She presses her nose to mine. “I feel safe with you.”
“That’s all I want,” I whisper against her lips as I squeeze her hand. “Trust me when I say we can go as slow as you want. As long as you continue being honest with me.”
“That’s not a problem.”
“And you know nothing like that will ever happen here. I will literally kill someone for you.”
Her lips tip up at the side. “No one has ever said that to me.”
“Because they aren’t me.”
She perks her mouth, and I do the same, gently kissing her. When she smiles against my lips, I grin back at her. “You’re going to make me fall in love with you, aren’t you?”