I’m confused. “Your what?”
She points to the shower-cap-looking thing on her head. “My bonnet. Figured one day you’ll see it anyway. It’s to keep my hair good while I sleep.”
“Oh, I didn’t even notice. I was mainly looking into those stunning eyes.” Her lips tip up, and I smile back at her. “I don’t doubt you, Jaylin. Not at all. I know I may have come across like I do, but you caught me off guard with your comment about not wanting to label this. I apologize.”
“Don’t apologize. I don’t want you to pretend my comment is okay. It’s not, but I don’t know what to do here. I don’t want to go into this saying I’m your girlfriend and you’re my boyfriend, when I don’t even know how to be a girlfriend.”
“So, you’ve never been a girlfriend? I find that hard to believe.”
Her eyes hold mine as she blows out a breath. “Okay, fine. I was for over two years, but that was so long ago, and I don’t like who I was when I was with him.”
I watch her struggle with her words as she bites her lip, not looking at me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Okay—”
“But I want you to believe that I want this, that I want to try. I just need to remember how to be someone you’d want to call your girlfriend.”
“You don’t have to remember, Jay. You are,” I insist. Finally, she meets my gaze, and I smile. “The woman you are right now, this second, is the woman I want.”
She wants to smile, I can see it in her eyes, but she doesn’t. Instead, she looks away, glancing down at her hand.
“I wouldn’t have asked for us to be official if I didn’t want it, Jay. Listen, I know it’s fast. I get it. But it isn’t like we don’t know each other or that we aren’t attracted to each other or, hell, that we don’t know if we like each other. I know I like you, and I can see this turning into something beautiful and important, and God, please stop me. I’m just running my mouth.”
She looks up, a smile covering her lips. “Maybe I like what you’re saying, and I don’t want you to stop.”
Relief floods my features as I smile back at her. “I don’t want to rush you into anything. I think I’m eager because I want this so badly. I wanted you a year ago, and that need for you has not dulled even a bit. I would sit up at night, thinking of you with Lilly lying beside me, and I didn’t want her at all. I wanted you.”
“That’s kind of messed up,” she says with a grin. “For her, not me.”
I chuckle. “She may have cheated and that’s why we ended things. But if I’m honest, I was so caught up on you that I almost don’t blame her for cheating on me. I wasn’t a good boyfriend, and really, I was only in it for Celeste at that point.”
“I know,” she says softly. “And I respect that, but you can’t force something that shouldn’t be.”
“Exactly. Which is why I’m taking the making this official off the table—”
“No. Don’t,” she demands, her eyes burning into mine. Even through FaceTime, I can feel her eyes all over me, caressing me from top to bottom. “I don’t want it off the table. I just need you to know. I’m not sure I’ll be a good girlfriend.”
“What’s the difference between Girlfriend Jay and the Jay looking at me right now?”
Her demeanor changes, almost as if she’s shy, but surely that can’t be. There is nothing shy about Jaylin. I’m unsure what she is about to say, but that excites me. I love finding things out about her. I know this is crazy, but I’m falling hard for the girl. I am. And at this moment, when it’s raw and new, I am okay with it because I feel in my soul she was made for me.
When you know, you know.
I just need her to know.
She scratches her head, right at the base of her bonnet, and says, “I don’t know, Kirby. I wasn’t good at it in that guy’s opinion, so I decided to be good at what I am good at, being driven in my career. But then seeing Aviva and how happy she is, I want that. I want to be happy in love.”
Something moves in my chest, and my lip quirks. “If I know one thing, Counselor, it’s that when you want something, you make it happen. I think you need to trust yourself—and me—and do what you do best. Succeed.”
Her shoulders fall at the same time her lips curve. “You are dreamy.”
I chuckle. “Just for you, sweetheart.”
She nods. “I need to admit something.”
“Okay?”
To my surprise, I’m not scared. I don’t even jump to conclusions; I just get lost in her eyes.
“When I left the other day, it wasn’t just because you were tired. It was because I don’t sleep at men’s houses.”
I blink. “Oh. Ever?”
“Never.”
“Why?”
She swallows hard. “Um, I used to. With this guy, and um, you know what?”
“What?”
“I feel like this is a conversation we need to have face-to-face, but please trust and believe, I want to try to sleep at your place.”
I don’t know why, but I feel like I see fear on her face. “You’d be completely safe here, you know that, right?”
She doesn’t react to that. She doesn’t even acknowledge it. “We’re driving back tomorrow. Can I come over when we get back?”
“Absolutely.”
“When do you leave?”
“Thursday.”
She nods. “You’re not mad?”
“Not at all,” I promise. “I know we’re good.”
“You do?” she asks without meeting my gaze.
“Jaylin,” I demand, my voice low and rough. “Look at me.”
She does as I ask, and I smile. “We’re good, sweetheart. Don’t worry. Nothing you can say or do can make me feel any differently about you.”
She scoffs. “That’s untrue.”
“It’s not. I want you—all of you.”
There is so much hope in her eyes, but also, there’s that fear again. “I want you.”
“Good. See? We’re on the same page.”
“We are,” she says softly and then smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“I can’t wait. I miss that mouth of yours.”
Her grin grows. “Same, Kirb. So, so, so same.”
She blows me a kiss and my heart kicks up in speed, but then it turns to a puddle of goo when she asks to say goodnight to Celeste. Unfortunately, CC is in a mood, but that doesn’t derail Jaylin. She gushes over her and then says goodnight before I throw my phone on the couch, cuddling CC closer to calm her. That may have been one hell of a deep conversation, but I feel good about it.
I feel good about us. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think there might be a chance this could go up in flames. We both have our own demons we’ve gotta get past. The good thing is we could have each other to help fight them.
I only need her to realize that.
Chapter Eighteen
Jaylin