Why is this so hard? Why aren’t I allowed to be happy? Why can’t Kirby? We deserve it. We’re good people, and damn it, we both love that baby.
Problem is, I care so much about Kirby and Celeste, I don’t know if I can risk ruining what they have. But can I live with the consequences of that? I lived more than a year without them, hating myself for not meeting him before his ex got pregnant. For not locking him in when I had the chance.
It just isn’t fair.
But maybe I’m not meant to be in love.
Chapter Nineteen
Kirby
* * *
I keep checking my phone for a text back from Jaylin. Celeste sits in my lap as the ocean water runs up on my feet. She’s swinging a shovel, throwing sand around in an excited little way. She’s so much fun. I laugh along with her as we dig in the sand and enjoy the beautiful day on the beach. I was hoping Jaylin would be here by now, but she said she needed to go by the office and her condo. I suggested grabbing a bag to stay, but she completely ignored that request and went on about how she had some work to finish. At my place. Which was hopeful.
Ever since she told me about that past relationship she doesn’t like to speak of, my mind has been reeling. I want to know it all. I want to know what happened, why it ended, and why she feels that’s the reason she doesn’t stay at any man’s house. Of course, I came up with every single worst-case scenario, but I’ve done a good job keeping those to myself. I haven’t pushed, nor have I asked again. Instead, all our texts have been playful and fun, my favorite thing about us. But now, she isn’t answering my text. I wouldn’t be alarmed since she did have things to do, but it was a picture of Celeste. Surely, she’d stop everything to text me back about this cutie.
CC looks up at me, grinning, and I kiss her sweet little nose. I can’t imagine not having moments like this with her. It bothers me that Lilly isn’t showing up, not just because it’s prolonging everything, but because it bothers me that she doesn’t want Celeste. I mean, is it in my blood to be abandoned? It troubles me and scares me that this is something that will affect Celeste when she is older. No matter how much I love her and make her life the greatest I can, she will experience pain when she realizes her mother gave her up. Or maybe she won’t.
Maybe things will become exactly what I want them to be with Jaylin, and Celeste will be so overly loved by both of us that she won’t yearn for her biological mom. As much as I want to believe it into existence, there is the issue of locking Jaylin down, along with Lilly not fucking everything up.
There are a lot of moving pieces, and with my mind going to every single worst-case, it’s going to be a battle. But this is a battle I need to win. I want the best for Celeste and me. And for me, Jaylin is the missing piece I need.
When my phone signals a text, I reach for it in the bag of stuff for Celeste I brought down with me. When I see it’s not from Jaylin, I’m disappointed, but then I see what Evan wrote.
Evan: I emailed for an appointment. My sister and mom got on to me too. Apparently you aren’t the only one noticing something is up. I thought I was hiding it better, but I guess not. Anyway, thank you for looking out for me.
Awesome. I write him back quickly and wish him a happy weekend since he’s in Nashville for his sister to get married. Sometimes it’s good having anxiety, so you can spot it in others and help them. I know he’s going to be just fine; he needs to work out some kinks, and then he’ll be unstoppable. He has so much support. There is no reason for him not to be successful.
I almost toss my phone back into the bag, but then I feel the need to call Jaylin. I hit her number and bring the phone to my ear just as Celeste lets out a happy shriek. I laugh and wait for Jaylin to answer. When I’m about to hang up, she finally does.
“Hey.”
I can tell something is wrong with that one word. “That didn’t sound very welcoming. You okay?”
She doesn’t answer right away. I can hear her breathing, and the alarm in it has my heart kicking up in speed. “No.”
“Okay. What can I do? Want me to come to you?”
“I’m actually in my car in front of your house. I just can’t get out, but I also couldn’t stay home because I miss you.”
Okay, talk about being confused. I get up swiftly, sand all over Celeste and me, not that I care. Or even that Celeste is still swinging her shovel, sending even more sand everywhere. With the phone to my ear and Celeste on my hip, I head for the gate leading to my front yard. “All right, can you elaborate?”
I open the gate, hoping I can keep her from driving off before I get there. She doesn’t sound confident, and that makes me nervous. She clears her throat, and I can hear the emotion is thick. “I want to see you, but I don’t know if we should do this.”
I see her sitting in her car as I come alongside my house. “I think we should.”
“I know you do,” she says, and I love that I can see a grin spread across her face. “I’m worried there are too many variables stacked against us.”
I walk up by the car, moving the phone from my ear as she looks up at me, surprised. Her eyes are glossy, dark, and she looks beyond torn. I reach for the door, opening it, and then take her hand in mine. When I pull her into my side, she comes willingly as I wrap my arm around her neck, my hand coming up to grab her by the jaw. I direct her face up so she’s in the perfect position for me to kiss her, and then I do just that. She melts into me as I ignore Celeste beating me with her shovel. As I sweep my tongue over Jaylin’s, my heart is skipping in my chest. I can say the words over and over again, but until she listens and believes me, it won’t matter.
So, maybe kissing her will do the trick.
When I pull back, gazing down into her gorgeous face, she lets out a satisfied sigh. She reaches up, cupping my jaw, her thumb running along my lips. “I needed that.”
“I thought so.”
Her lips start to turn up, but then Celeste hits her with the shovel and she bursts out laughing. I smile widely as she takes Celeste from me, kissing her all over her face. “Hey there, sugar. Where did you get a shovel? You playing with Daddy?”
Celeste giggles happily, and I cuddle both of them into my side. I kiss Jaylin’s temple and ask, “Wanna head to the beach?”
Gone is the sadness and even the uncertainty, replaced by genuine bliss.
With just a nod from her, we head to the beach, where we have an incredible afternoon.
Something I decide I want more of.
After putting Celeste down, I find Jaylin in my kitchen, barefoot after a shower. She pours two large glasses of wine, handing me one when I reach her. I wrap my arm around her waist before pulling her into me, and she tips her head up for me to kiss her. She doesn’t even need to ask. I kiss her wildly, full of need, as she molds her body to mine. When I part from her delectable lips, I kiss her nose. “Did you have fun today?”
Her lips come up at one side, and she nods. “I did.”
“Good. Aren’t you glad you came over?”
“I am,” she says as I thread our fingers together.
With our glasses in our hands, I guide her toward the couch and then pull her down in my lap. She giggles on the way down, her ass so perfect against my cock as I kiss her jaw. She taps her glass to mine, and then we both take healthy sips of the delicious wine. She looks down at her glass, running her fingers along the rim of it as I balance my glass on her knee. I watch her, waiting for her to say what she needs to say. There were so many times this afternoon when I thought she was going to explain why she was struggling earlier, or even about the past relationship, but she never said anything. She played, she laughed, and honestly, I’m okay with it.