Hollyn bit her lip and rocked back on her heels, the weird quiet between them growing. “Um, so a picnic, huh?”
Jasper snapped out of his frozen state and motioned at the cooler. “Yeah, I picked up a muffuletta and a few other things. I thought it’d be nice to get outside.”
And not have a private conversation in the confines of a restaurant.
“Cool.” She looked to the cooler and then back to him, her fingers tapping a pattern against her thigh. “Why does this feel so awkward?”
The words popped a pin in him, his breath sagging out. He raked a hand through his hair. “Sorry. That’s my fault. I have a lot on my mind.”
She frowned and then lowered herself to the ground and patted a spot on the blanket. “Wanna share?”
He nodded and sat down across from her, trying to find the right words. He needed to pitch her on his idea of being the show’s guest, make it sound completely doable and beneficial for them both. He needed to convince her this was the best way to go for both of their careers. He needed to tell her that it was best that they end the physical part of their arrangement. “Hollyn…”
“Yeah?” Hollyn shifted into a cross-legged position, gathering her dress between her thighs. The faded flourish from his signature peeked out and he couldn’t take his eyes off it. Flashbacks of the morning in her bedroom came to him in a rush, the way she’d felt beneath him, the way she’d looked back at him, the things he’d felt deep in his chest.
Things that didn’t feel false at all. Things that suddenly felt very, very real and not faded in the least. Shit.
He closed his eyes. The show. He needed to ask her about the show.
“I know Cal’s in love with you,” he blurted out instead. He opened his eyes, surprised at the words that had come out of his mouth.
Hollyn’s lips were parted, her expression blank. “What?”
Jasper wet his lips. “He told me that night after you went to bed. He was drunk, but he told me. And so I know… I know that you’re probably here to tell me that we need to end this thing between us because you’re going to date Cal and you love him, and I just need you to know that…I get it. Obviously. I mean. I understand.”
She frowned, lines bracketing her mouth. “You understand what exactly?”
“That this thing with us was just temporary and for a particular purpose and that of course you want to be with Cal. You guys have been friends forever. He’s obviously good to you. I don’t want you to feel like you owe me explanations or whatever. We were just helping each other out.”
Her eyes narrowed, and her tone was careful when she spoke again. “Helping each other out.”
“Right. And I just wanted you to know that I wish you both well.” The words stabbed at him like a rusty knife. “I didn’t want you to feel like you needed to lie to me about it. I want you to be happy. If what we were doing helped you find the guy you were meant to be with, then… I guess the relationship practice was a success, right?”
Her throat worked as she swallowed. “Right.”
He nodded, trying to convince himself this was a good thing. The right thing. “Great!”
Her hand, which was resting on her thigh, started a fast rotation of tapping with each finger. Her gaze was focused on the blanket. He didn’t think she was going to say anything else, but then she looked up with a determined expression. “No. Not great.”
The change in her tone jarred him out of his thoughts. “What?”
“Everything’s not great. I’m lying to you.” She looked off to his left, like she was studying the trunk of the oak tree. “Cal did tell me he loved me, but he went home a few hours after you left my house.”
Jasper shook his head, confused. “What do you mean?”
She quickly peeked over at him, her nose scrunching. “He told me he wanted to be with me. He told me he’s moving here. He kissed me.”
An involuntary sound of annoyance escaped Jasper’s throat.
“Then he left because I told him I needed time to think,” she finished.
“Oh.” Jasper didn’t know where she was going with this, but he was fixated on the idea of Cal kissing her right after Jasper had walked out the door. The dude didn’t waste any time.
“Yeah. So I’ve spent the last two days trying to figure out how I feel.” She grabbed a leaf that had fallen onto the blanket and started breaking off little bits of it. “And I know what you’re trying to tell me. I hear you. This has run its course for you, and you wish me well. Got it.” She looked up, a wary expression on her face. “But if we’re ending this, I want to do it the way we came into it—with absolute honesty.”
He tried to catch her eye, to search her expression, but she wouldn’t look directly at him. “Okay.”
Little pieces of leaf fell from her fingertips, and she glanced up at him from under her lashes. “I can’t figure out how I feel about Cal because…all I can think about is how I feel about you.”
Jasper’s breathing stilled.
“I know I’m completely breaking the promise I made coming into this,” she went on. “And I’m sure I sound pathetic. But the last month with you has been…the best of my adult life. Fun and filled with laughter. Intense. Exciting.” She wet her lips. “Hot. And…every time I try to picture a future with Cal—Cal whom I adore and who is absolutely great—I keep picturing one with you in it instead. And it’s unfair for me to lay that on you because I’m putting you in a shitty position to let me down, but I’m telling you this because I’m freeing you from that duty.
“I can’t keep my promise about not developing feelings for you, but I can keep my promise of not expecting anything from you. You told me what this could and couldn’t be, and I haven’t forgotten that. But, I’m also tired of being too scared to speak. I’ve spent my life keeping my mouth shut, swallowing my opinions and feelings. I need to get this out in the open, so I can let you go and move on.” She took a breath. “So there it is. I hope that I haven’t made it too weird and that we can still be friends.”
Jasper’s ears were buzzing and his heart was beating painfully fast. The wind blew, shaking the leaves above them, like the tree was applauding Hollyn’s speech. More leaves fell around them, one catching in her hair.
“Friends,” Jasper repeated, reaching out to untangle the leaf from her hair.
“Yeah.” She nodded, her teeth pressing into her bottom lip. He could see her hands were trembling, the leaf stem she was holding quivering like a tuning fork. This had taken everything out of her to say.