Mary Leigh: Sounds like a lot of great things.
Hollyn: Yeah.
Mary Leigh: So what would you lose if you start a relationship with Cal?
Hollyn closed her eyes, trying to pinpoint the things that were giving her pause.
Hollyn: I could mess up the best, longest, and most important friendship I’ve ever had.
Mary Leigh: A legitimate concern. But you two have survived a breakup before, right?
Hollyn: Yes.
Mary Leigh: So what else would you lose or give up to be with him?
The answer was there in her head. The stupid, stupid answer. She tapped her head back against the couch cushion.
Hollyn: Possibility.
Mary Leigh: Of what?
Hollyn: Someone else.
Mary Leigh: A part of starting any committed relationship.
Hollyn cringed. If only it were that simple. That she was just a commitment-phobe.
Hollyn: No, a specific someone else.
Mary Leigh: Ah, Jasper?
Hollyn: Yes. Please don’t tell me I’m being naive. I already know that. I realize what’s happening with Jasper is not an actual relationship.
Mary Leigh: Isn’t it, though? Maybe not a traditional relationship. But you’re spending time together, sleeping together. It’s some sort of a relationship.
Hollyn: You know what I mean. We’re not dating. We have an agreement. He’s straight up told me it couldn’t turn into anything. He’s not an actual possibility. But…
Mary Leigh: You’ve developed feelings for him.
Hollyn: YES. I’m so stupid.
Mary Leigh: Remember what we talked about, not calling yourself names. You’re not stupid. You’re human. A human having human feelings.
Hollyn: A human having love feelings.
It was the first time she’d admitted the word aloud, and a flood of dread went through her. She grabbed the pillow again, pressing it to her face for a second to scream silently into it. How had she landed here? Love. She was out of her goddamned mind.
Mary Leigh was silent. If they were face-to-face in an office, Hollyn imagined Mary Leigh would be giving her the go-on, keep-digging-your-own-hole face.
Hollyn: I guess I can’t open myself up to the thought of Cal until I deal with this. It’s not fair to him. I need to break things off with Jasper. Clear my head before I can really consider anything seriously.
Mary Leigh: Is that what you want to do?
Hollyn: It’s what I need to do.
Mary Leigh: That wasn’t my question.
Ugh. Sometimes she loved her therapist. Sometimes she wanted to give the middle finger to Mary Leigh’s avatar and toss the phone across the room.
Hollyn: I know but this is a false debate. I’m not choosing between two guys. Only one is a real possibility. So the debate is get together with Cal or stay single.
Mary Leigh: You’re leaving out another possibility. You could also tell Jasper how you feel and see if maybe he’s open to something more with you.
Hollyn sat up and scoffed.
Hollyn: NO WAY. We have an agreement. I promised this was only casual. No feelings. I’m not going to be that girl.
Mary Leigh: Relationships are continuously negotiated. What if his feelings have changed about you? Wouldn’t you want him to be honest with you?
Hollyn: Obviously. But he hasn’t given me any signs that anything has changed. I’m going to end up looking like the pathetic girl who fell for the wrong guy again. I can’t bear the thought of him having to let me down. The mortification of that would be… I can’t even think about it.
Mary Leigh: Jasper isn’t that bully from school. He’s shown no signs of wanting to hurt you. From what you’ve told me, he’s been kind and attentive with you. He’s given you a lot of indicators that he genuinely likes you and is attracted to you. If you tell him you have feelings for him, and he doesn’t reciprocate, what is the worst that can happen?
For others that would be a rhetorical question, but Hollyn had learned Mary Leigh didn’t do rhetorical. She always wanted actual answers. What would be the worst?
Hollyn: Feeling embarrassed. Ending our friendship. Him feeling pity for me.
Mary Leigh: Could you survive those things?
Hollyn: That last one gives me all the vomity feelings. And I’d have to leave WorkAround because I couldn’t face that every day. That would be tough because I’ve made a friend there now. But I wouldn’t die, I guess.
Mary Leigh: Not dying is good. What is the best that could happen?
Hollyn rolled her lips together, trying to imagine what that would look like. Jasper smiling. Jasper pulling her into a hug and kissing her and telling her he’s so happy to hear it. It was a ridiculous fantasy that could’ve been pulled straight from one of the many rom-coms she’d been binge-watching the last few days.
Hollyn: He feels the same way and wants to be in a real relationship.
Mary Leigh: So, is that result, even if you feel like it’s a remote one, worth the risk of the other things?
Hollyn: It’s super remote. Like Siberia remote.
Mary Leigh: Okay. But somewhere in between the two extremes are a lot of other possibilities. For instance, another is that he doesn’t feel the same way, doesn’t embarrass you about it, and you part friends. Then you can have a clear head to decide if Cal is someone you want a romantic relationship with or not. You can get the distraction of Jasper off the path and really evaluate the decision and your feelings about Cal.
Hollyn rubbed her forehead. Could she tell Jasper? Like actually speak those feelings out loud? The thought sent a wash of clammy anxiety through her. But Mary Leigh was right on one thing. He was a big distraction right now. She couldn’t even begin to pick apart her feelings about Cal because she had this bright, beautiful man distracting her at every turn.
Hollyn: Maybe I can talk to him. I’ll think about it.
Mary Leigh: This is about fear. Fear is there to protect us, but fear is also what gets us stuck. You have been so brave this year. I’m so impressed with your progress. But with this, you’re still afraid that you are the outcast little girl who no one wants to play with. You can’t imagine that someone like Jasper would ever consider you a worthy partner. But that little girl is a part of your history. You can thank her for trying to protect you, but she is not you anymore. You have a lot to offer the world and a partner. If Jasper can’t be in a committed relationship, that’s his issue, not yours. Don’t own other people’s hang-ups. But also don’t decide their answers for them before you ask. Maybe he’s scared too and waiting for you to be the one to say something first.