“I’m okay,” she murmurs not meeting Grigory’s eyes.
“Look at me,” he demands again, this time she does. “I’m only going to ask once. Did you do what I think you did?”
It’s not lost on me the silence that fills the room even as several of my brothers join us in the small space.
Lowering her head, Tinsley shakes her head in denial.
“Angel, that’s not answering my question,” Grigory grinds out. “Did you fuckin’ cut yourself?”
“Tinsley, answer your cousin’s question, because I’d like to know the answer to this as well,” I say when she starts to shake her head again.
“I just want to not feel the pain,” she whispers, softly. So softly I barely hear her, but I do.
“Fuck, baby,” I murmur pulling her tighter into my arms. “You're safe, Luce Mia. No one is going to hurt you again, I promise you this.” As much as I want to be pissed that she’d hurt herself, I can’t do anything about it now. Only thing I can do is make sure she doesn’t do it again.
“I’m sorry,” she murmurs, not meeting my eyes as she lifts her head up.
“Don’t be sorry, Tinsley. Just next time you feel the need to do something like that. Find someone to talk to. Pull me aside, go to Rachel or one of the other women. Hell, if you can’t talk to them, find a brother. You’re family, baby, and no one wants to see you hurting.”
Nodding her head, she burrows herself into me as much as she can, causing my heart to skip a beat.
And again, I question myself.
What the fuck am I doing?
But I know the answer.
I’m claiming my woman. It’ll just take time for her to realize just how much she belongs here with us. With me.
Chapter Thirteen
Tinsley
I swear if I don’t get out of this clubhouse, I’m going to go insane. It’s been a week since the whole drama with me waking up and having my emotional breakdown. Embarrassing that everyone found out about me cutting myself, but at the same time can they blame me. I’d just been put through hell and no one really worried about whether or not I was okay mentally. Only physically.
Then Izzy, granted since then she apologized for the way she acted. I don’t blame her even if her words are what sent me over the edge. She’s Coyote’s family and I wouldn’t want to cause problems between them.
I mean it’s not like I’m anything more than a ward for them to watch over.
Over the last week, between all the ol’ ladies in the club and the brothers I’ve felt like I was under a microscope. Having my every move watched is somewhat nerve-racking.
The only bright side of this past week was spending time with Cody. Every time I hold him in my arms it’s as if that’s where he was meant to be. However, no one allows me to be alone with him which kind of hurts in a way because it’s as if no one trusts me.
After everything I’ve been through, you’d think they could trust me to be alone with Cody, I guess they might not think I’m mentally stable or what not.
“Tinsley?” I blink away the tears that started to build as I stared down at the drawing I’d been working on. It’s the only thing I’d been able to do while being here. Drawing anything from portraits that pop in my mind. To landscape images of places I remember seeing. I have what you can say is a photogenic memory, where I can remember faces and places like they were yesterday.
Staring at the one I’d been working on I hadn’t even noticed I’d been drawing it.
Milley.
I’d gotten the features of her face to perfection without even focusing on it. In the background were the waves of an ocean as she sat on the dunes. She seems to be staring directly at me even if I know it’s crazy to think that.
“Tinsley?” My name is called again and I drag my gaze away from the drawing to find Rachel standing there watching me with what I’m guessing is apprehension. Out of all the ol’ ladies she’s the only one that seems hesitant about being around me. Sure she’s nice to me but doesn’t come around me much.
“Umm, hi. Did you need me to do something?” I ask, quietly.
“No, I saw you sitting over here alone. You seemed distracted by something, so I thought I’d check on you. Do you mind if I sit?” Rachel seems reluctant as she stares not at me but the drawing.
“Uh, sure, I suppose,” I shrug, not knowing what else to say.
Smiling, Rachel sits in the chair across from me. “That’s really good,” she says nodding to the drawing.
“Thank you,” I murmur.
“Tinsley, I want to apologize. I haven’t been very welcoming to you since you’ve been here and that’s not your fault. My head hasn’t been right and finding out that not only one of my best friends had a child with Coyote, she’s dead. I guess you can say it hasn’t been easy on me. That’s not including all the other bullshit in my head.”
Speechless at receiving an apology from Rachel, I merely stare at her.
“I know none of my shit is your fault, and I guess in a way I’ve been taking it out on you.” Rachel goes on to say.
“Umm, do you want to talk about it?” I ask, unable to stop myself.
Shaking her head, Rachel meets my gaze. “No, thank you though. It’s nothing I can really talk about. More or less, it’s something I need to work out for myself. The trouble I am having is it’s more of an internal battle of self-doubt I guess you can say.”
Nodding my head in understanding, I give her a small smile. “I know the feeling of self-doubt. I constantly feel that way. My skin, I cannot seem to get clean enough. Things I have seen and had to endure are burned into my brain and I can’t get them out. By not being able to do this makes me feel like I’m covered in filth and not good enough.”
“Yeah, I get it. When Lucien, my ex-fiancé, started abusing me I started to feel that way. Maybe that is why I’m having such a hard time now,” she says, furrowing her brow.
“They say actions of the past never leave us. They embed themselves as our inner demons and we have two choices, fight them or let them grow. Either way they will always be there,” I murmur.
“You know I’ve never heard of that, but it makes sense. Do you, umm, do you mind if I ask you what happened to you to plant your demons?” she asks.
At first, I’m hesitant to answer her; however, something in her eyes makes me feel as if we were kindred spirits. Rachel needed someone to talk to and by her asking is a way for her to open herself up in preparation to start fighting her own demons.
Nodding, I put the pencil down I’d been holding and lifted my legs up to my chest, resting my feet on the chair. I wrap my arms around my knees, hugging them, as I rest my chin on my kneecaps.
“Growing up wasn’t easy at home. Sure, I had a great mom but it was just her and me. Mom did her best, but she wasn’t able to help much against the bullies. From about fifth grade all the way until I graduated from high school I was picked on. I was the jolly green giant or stick legs. My name was made fun of. Most of the time I was called Tin–can. As I got older the guys would try to get me to let them in my pants. That wasn’t happening. I had enough respect for myself to not give up something like my virginity to the very same people who tortured me.”