Completely comfortable with his own naked body, he commandeers mine, sliding down it until his cheek comes to rest on my bump.
“I love you,” he whispers into my skin, and I swear I feel it soak through to the baby.
A tear falls down my cheek at just how beautiful this moment is. Gosh, pregnancy really has made me soft.
“And I love your mom. So much. More than I could ever express to her. I’m sorry, buddy, that I was such an idiot. That I didn’t fight for her the first time. I’ll never do that again. That is … if she’ll have me.”
Now he peers up at me, and a knot of emotion lodges in my throat. I’ve been so scared up until this point, so undecided about what we should be or if I should trust him.
But this man, this is the one I want to take every leap with. I know that beyond a doubt now. Watching him talk to our son, feeling the way he made love to me just minutes ago …
“I love you. I love you,” I sob, and Sinclair is next to me, holding me.
Our mouths meet again, putting into physical form the words we just exchanged.
This moment feels big, otherworldly, and I’m scared. But, oh so much more than that, I feel sure.
33
Frankie
After our reunion at my house, things between Sinclair and I pretty much fall right back into the same pattern they did in Florida.
Therefore, we become inseparable.
If we’re not at work, we’re spending the night at each other’s places. Even if we are at work, we eat lunch together most every day. It’s out there now, the entire staff knows we’re having a baby. And now that we’re not bothering to hide a thing, like we did in Fort Myers, it feels incredible that I get to show off that we’re also with each other, romantically, too.
I’ve heard the whispers, though. I’m not stupid enough not to realize there will be those who think I got this job on my back. The thing is, I’ve faced that my whole career. From men who don’t understand how a woman like me could be strong and know my way around a weight room. Women who are jealous of the time I spend getting athletes in shape.
But I’ve heard from both Colleen and Seth now that my job will never come into question, that I’ll always have a place in the organization. Because I’ve earned this … that, and I’m damn good at my job. There have been fewer injuries this post season than ever before, and Seth is attributing that to the plans I’ve implemented for each individual player. Build up muscle groups and keep them loose, and you’ll have less chance of hurting them.
Even more than in Florida, Sinclair and I are a couple in every way. We talk, keep each other updated on the daily goings-on in our routines. We’re making decisions about our future together, like which house we’ll bring the baby home from the hospital to—his. Sinclair has offered to hire a night nurse, because rich people things, but I said no. I want us to do this, really do this. However, I will take the offer of his massive home and a chef to come over and cook some meals for the first few weeks, because I’m no masochist.
Case in point of us really doing this, being in a relationship, I mean, I pull up to his house and let myself in. Okay, so it’s a mansion. But, you know, I have a key now. Yes, we’ve exchanged keys. Though Sinclair has made it very clear that he’d like us to move in together before the baby arrives. I’m coming around to the idea, but I’m not all the way in. I’ve been living on my own for a very long time, and I like my space. I know I’ll be sharing it with the baby and Sinclair most nights, but I’ve never … well, I’ve never lived with anyone other than my mother. And I was out of there at eighteen. So, it will just take time.
Walking through his house, I clock the changes I would make if it were mine. Which is kind of telling that he’s wearing me down if I’m thinking of decor ideas.
Sin walks in just as I make it to the kitchen, my second favorite place besides bed during this pregnancy, and calls my name.
“In the kitchen,” I answer.
He walks in with a huge smile on his face and walks straight up to pop a kiss on my mouth.
“I like you here when I get home. I was at a meeting, sorry.”
He rifles around in the fridge and pops back out with three cartons of deliciously ripe fruit.
“Oh? Was it about a marketing strategy? On a Saturday no less, look at you.” I wiggle my eyebrows at him.
As Sin sets out the blackberries, strawberries, and raspberries, he gives me a funny look. “No, not a work meeting. A meeting meeting. Alcoholics Anonymous.”
“Oh,” I deadpan, because I’m not sure what else to say.
“I want to share these things with you. Sorry if that was abrupt. It’s just … I think we held too much back the first time around. Yes, you knew me more intimately than anyone else had before. But I still wasn’t forthcoming, we both know that. I want you to know everything, Francesca. And I want to know everything about your day, your ins and outs. This is the real life shit we’ll both have to deal with.”
I nod, knowing that he’s right. It seems like we’re jumping off the cliff before I was even notified we were doing so, but I’m glad he’s grasping my hand and pulling me over. This was my biggest problem with him in Florida, and afterward, when I found out how much he had lied.
“Thank you, for telling me. Was it a good meeting?” I walk over to where he stands at the counter, loading up two separate bowls with fruit for both of us.
Laying my head on his shoulder, I wrap my arm into his, then snaking it down to lace my fingers into the ones of his free hand. Instantly, my heart calms.
“It was. A small group of us today, but there were three guys there who have kids. So it was nice to talk to them. Two of them were already working the program when their wives had a baby. I know it’s going to put pressure on me, and there will be times it’ll feel easier to just reach for that crutch. But we talked about coping mechanisms, and I have their numbers now.”
I nod in understanding. A lot of people, women especially who were having a child with an addict, might feel offended that their partner couldn’t talk this out with them. That they needed people outside the relationship to lean on if a craving came on.
But I understand. I know what it’s like to go back to that thing that makes you feel like you’re in control, even if you’re actually spiraling out of it.
“I’m glad you have them. If you ever want me to attend a meeting, I’d really like to sit in on one.”
“There are no secrets between us. I’d love for you to come.” He presses a lingering kiss to my forehead.
Then, in the spirit of the moment, I divulge something I haven’t told anyone since finding out about the baby. Something I want to share with him, since he was just so honest with me.
“Ever since I got pregnant, I’ve been thinking about this. How I kind of always thought I’d never be able to. After years of abusing my body from the inside out, I read that one of the side effects of bulimia is infertility. I used to lie awake at night, after I recovered, and cry about how I’d never have a baby. I didn’t even think I wanted to be a mother that bad. And then this happened. And the first thing I thought was … did I mess him or her up? Will this baby have problems because of what I put my body through?”