“Yes. But there were and are too many issues between us. That kept her away and me here.”
AJ looked at him with a hard glint in his eye. “That’s the stupidest reason I ever heard.”
Blinking, Asher shifted back as if AJ shoved him. “What? Why? It’s the truth. It’s reality.”
“You love her. So, you have to make that happen. You think life is a ride of perfect circumstances? Never. It can’t be. You choose what you want from life. And make that choice every day until you get it.”
Asher snorted and crossed his arms over his chest. “So, I can end up alone in church, eulogizing the love I once had? No, thank you.”
AJ didn’t blink. “I thought that’s what happened.”
“What?”
“You got scared after seeing me lose your mother. It’s understandable. But if you think I’d trade one day of our thirty-seven years to avoid this pain, you’d be dead wrong. I would never give up a single minute of those days.”
“Even after how it ended? What if you’d known?”
“Of course, even then. What would my life have been without Kate? Who would I have become? I’ll always love Kate and honor her love and commitment to me by being the man she made me. Don’t hide or be afraid. You’ll regret that. But you will never regret love. Having it, living it, and even losing it. If it weren’t that good and powerful, and the entire point of living life, you wouldn’t care that it ends. And you can’t hide from it.”
“I wasn’t hiding. I was being practical.”
“Fucking-A, Asher, just sell your ranch and move closer to a city that Daisy could commute and work from. Done. There’s your answer. It’s not an insurmountable problem. She needs a city to practice law. Am I right? That’s what tied you into stupid knots, claiming it will never work, right? You’re too different, blah, blah blah. So, she didn’t like the isolation on the ranch. It’s too far out in the sticks for most people. So, compromise for once. Find a ranch where she can drive to work. Problem solved.”
Asher couldn’t move. AJ’s words were so logical. But what the hell? His stomach started hurting again.
Fear. Yes. Damn it. His dad was spot-on right; Asher was afraid.
He sought the holes in AJ’s idea. “Well, I can’t sell my ranch because it’s too remote and no one will buy it. It’ll take me years to find a buyer. I can’t afford to settle anywhere else.”
AJ nodded. “Fair point. I thought about that.”
“What?”
“Switch with me.”
“Switch what with you?”
“Houses. You take my house and I’ll move to your ranch.”
“Yours and Mom’s house? Why? What does that accomplish?”
“Well, it’s much closer to civilization and Daisy could commute to a few viable locations in town. If that isn’t what she wants, then you could sell it easily and get a damn pretty penny for it. So there. You’d have the money to settle somewhere else with her.”
Asher’s mouth and eyes were wide open. “Dad, that’s Mom’s and your house. You can’t just trade houses with me.”
AJ sighed heavily and finally broke eye contact. He stared with sadness again at the river. “Ohh, Asher, I also realized something else on my trip: it felt wonderful to be away. I can’t… I just can’t live there anymore, not without Kate. She made every memory. Every day and decade we shared along the banks of this river in our house. Our dreams were there. Once. We raised you and Cami and became grandparents there. We enjoyed beautiful days together. But she also died there. I can’t avoid thinking that… I don’t really want to live there anymore. So, you’d be doing me a favor. Plus, I’d love to tackle the challenge of your ranch. It’s new and different. It’s ours. I mean, I’ve done enough work with you already to feel heavily invested in it. I like the remote location; it totally fits me. But best of all, it’s still close enough that I can easily visit Cami and Charlie, Jack and Erin and the boys. Think of the fun Ethan and Isaac will have visiting me. I want to share their lives. A lot. This would allow for that and give me the space I need to get on with my life. Do you understand?”
“I… actually, I do,” Asher replied. They both stared at the river and let their thoughts roam.
AJ cleared his voice. “So, what do you think?”
“You do realize you own the ranch already.” Asher reasonably pointed out.
“I do not. You do. That’s a loan. And do you have any idea how much money I now have? Thanks to you mother? I’d burn every cent of it for one more day with her. So please, do this for me if you’re interested.”
“You’d just give me the house?”
“It’s a fair trade; it isn’t charity. And yeah. I could start a new life that’s also a familiar one. Best of both worlds for me. And it frees you up and gives you more choices… For you and Daisy. Don’t wait. That’s the best advice I can tell you. Quit waiting. The time will never be perfect or right. It just is. You make it work or not.”
“What if it doesn’t work?”
“Then you break up. But you certainly don’t start by thinking that. Quit being afraid. Quit waiting.”
“But look how it ended for you.”
“Thirty-seven fucking years later. We existed in a blissful place. It happened and it was. Life ends for everyone. But you certainly don’t ignore a life with her because you are too afraid of losing it. You just do it.”
“You’re sure about all this?”
“Yeah. I did a lot of thinking while I was gone. I knew I had to come back to be a father and grandfather like I was meant to be. Correction, like I want to be. I want to live up to what your mom expected me to be. To make up for her absence, and not being able to experience this with me, I will do it for both of us. I’m not suddenly magically healed but I think this is a way for me to live after Kate. That’s it for me, for now. I’ll heal. I firmly believe that.”
“How can you believe that?”
“Love like we had doesn’t kill you when it ends. It makes you better. So, if it hurts, it will also heal, maybe not yet. Not now, but someday. And I think it would be much more bearable for me if I do what I just laid out.”
“Dad?”
“Asher?” AJ copied Asher’s solemn tone and it made him smile.
“I’ve been so afraid to lose Daisy. Losing her once hurt so much. Until we lost Mom.”
“You had to protect yourself. You wanted to avoid that kind of loss again. Maybe you can. But the life you’ll lead will be sad, boring, and pointless. Don’t waste your life doing that. I lived that way for years until I met Kate. And that pointless, hollow existence is certainly not what I wish for the son I love so much.”
Asher blinked as his eyes filled with tears. “You’ve changed.”
“I haven’t. I just let your mom talk for me before. I thought those things many times but wasn’t ready to communicate them. It used to make my palms sweat and my stomach hurt with nerves. But I gotta talk more now.”
“You have those nerves now?”
“Yes.”