Even if it ended the relationship she had with Kate’s son.
“She was such a positive example and a champion for other women. I really admired her all of that.” Daisy finished and feared she lacked the eloquence of the other speakers as more tears fell on her cheeks and she wiped away some snot. Flopping onto the seat behind her, she stared straight ahead. She was burning up with embarrassment, but also glad she spoke.
The pastor finished the service with more prayers. Two more songs were played. More heartache expressed. Eventually, it ended. Daisy didn’t look around but vacantly stood up and gathered her coat and purse. She wondered what to do now. The emotional overload of the morose afternoon was too burdensome for most of the attendees.
Then a hand touched Daisy’s arm and she noticed how small it felt. Cami was full of tears, but her voice was strong. “Thank you, Daisy, for saying that. That’s exactly what Kate did for me too, before she became my mother and my best friend. What you said so articulately. She gave me that strength and undying belief in myself. She saved me from myself when others would have coddled and indulged me. I would have still been a mess, and all screwed up without Kate. I just couldn’t say it out loud.”
“I didn’t intend to.”
Cami hugged her and Daisy squeezed her back. Cami whispered, “I can see my mom telling you to go big, even though it took you away from Asher. She was so perceptive.”
“She was. Cami—?”
Cami sniffled. “No. Don’t say it. I know and you’ll just make me cry. Let’s… try to be like Kate, strong and funny. Let’s not cry for a few moments.”
Daisy smiled and a foreign feeling of laughter gurgled up her throat. “Kate would insist that we do that.”
Cami grinned wider. “Fuck yeah, she would have. And it didn’t matter if she were in the church, she’d say fuck anywhere she felt like too.”
They giggled together at Kate’s blasphemy. Asher didn’t hear their conversation and gave them a strange look. But the terrible pressure on all of them seemed to levitate.
For just a few moments.
That’s all they had, a few moments. They would eventually have to get through the long days ahead and even longer nights.
Their hearts were breaking but Kate’s soul lived inside every one of them.
Chapter 17
THERE WAS NO GRAVESIDE burial per Kate’s request. Too much sadness to subject the people she loved to have to endure, and everyone respected it. Instead, a large reception was arranged at the bar and grill above the horse arena, a large glassed-in portion of the Rydell River Ranch.
It was organized and managed by Allison, Kailynn, Hailey and Erin. No one was spared the grief. Kate was that dominant in all the ranch events, and an integral part of them.
Asher could not tolerate another sad face and longed to leave the premises.
He stopped crying and managed to say a few words about his mom. Asher allowed everyone to hug him and express their love and condolences but felt completely disconnected from them. He wanted to climb the mountain but settled for the stairs that led to the roof access.
As soon as he emerged from the hatch door on the rooftop, he could finally take a deep breath and hold it in his lungs until the invisible vise around his head unfastened. He felt he could survive as long as he avoided the party of bereaved grievers.
Eagerly gulping the fresh air, he flopped down on the rooftop and looked out over the fertile land. The space where he spent most of his youth. But not his childhood. He tried to remember all that was said and all that happened today. At some point, he knew his brain would process it, but right now, it felt so far away from him that he could not recall it.
Leaning forward, he hooked his arms around his knees and sat.
For a long time, he let his thoughts wander.
Then a body sat down beside him.
“I knew I’d find you here. Have you had enough time to yourself?”
Daisy. Of course, it was she. Only Daisy knew him well enough to predict his behavior and reactions. “You knew when I left,” he stated dryly.
“Of course, I did. You had to escape to decompress and breathe. For your own survival. I just hoped I allowed you enough time. May I join you?”
He nodded but remained silent.
After a long while, he said, “Mom really said all that to you?”
“Yes. And—”
“And? What else did she say?”
Daisy gulped in some air and straightened her spine before softly saying, “That I loved you.”
“Why did she say that? You chose to live without me, so how could she say you loved me?”
“I can do both. Doing one does not preclude the other.”
Asher was drained of energy. His heart was so pumped with emotions, mostly sadness, that it hurt his chest. He imagined his heart a dead, crumbling, black rock where all of his feelings were stored. Asher always limited the expression of his feelings. He lived more in his head than his heart most of the time.
Except with Daisy and his immediate family.
He believed it was because he was adopted. Coming so late to the Reeds, Asher’s need for security was out of proportion to most other kids. Surely other people his age lost a parent without wishing they could be buried with them. That had to be an extreme overreaction on his part. Maybe losing his primary caregiver when his great-grandmother died left a deeper scar on his psyche than anyone realized. Kate was the next person to assume that pivotal role and she died too. Too fast and too soon.
“I think I’m mad at her,” Asher confessed after a long moment of silence while staring out at the ranch. Admiring the mountains beyond, he wished he could step into a future life beyond this harsh, unfeeling world. He failed to follow the thread of their previous conversation.
“I think she’s mad for leaving you and AJ and Cami and all of us. In fact, she’d be the first to tell you she was angry.”
“I think I hurt more now because I expected Kate to supplement everything I lacked growing up. They offered me a new life and a loving family with all kinds of other positive connections. I never expected her to die so young, it wasn’t like my great-grandma who was so old, I knew she’d be leaving me eventually.”
Daisy’s hand rested on the inside of his elbow. That was her answer. A soft touch. A feather-light but weighty touch. It was all he sensed now. He was grateful he could still feel her.
“I think you could be right.” Her tone was kind, soft and barely patronizing.
“You already figured that out,” he stated.
“Yeah. I suspected something like that. But you also loved your mother that much. You miss her and want her back in your life. You were cheated. Kate will never meet your kids. Or see the young men Ethan and Isaac grow up to be. She can’t grow into old age with AJ. He was cheated too. It’s okay to be angry about those things. No one can get over it so soon; hell, none of us will be fine for a long time.”
Shutting his eyes, Asher lowered his head. Gritty eyes were his new normal over the last week. Her words rang true, and Asher started to panic.
She’d leave him soon. The funeral was over. Not the grief. Nor the sadness. Nor the need to adjust to a new normal but emptier life. Life had to go on without Daisy. She did and would not live here. And if she agreed to stay? He knew it couldn’t last. It would be strictly owing to pity and their shared grief. But she would stay with him to allay his grief. If he asked her, he knew she’d stay. He sensed she was preparing to do that. The sympathy and care she showed for him made it obvious. He knew it and she knew it. Neither could deny the connection. The rub was in their clashing futures. Their ambitions and goals and personalities were at odds. It was an obstacle that would only stop them from fulfilling their own potentials. They knew that five years ago. Now it was all mixed up with grief. Bad news couldn’t change their situation.