Daisy tried to soothe Asher, AJ, Cami and herself. She called all of them. AJ and Cami took her calls. They were always polite, kind and honest with her. No one mentioned Asher. She called and texted him. He answered her texts, but offered only short, succinct updates. She felt inadequate. She respected his need for privacy and kept letting him know she was there, thinking about, caring, and supporting him even from a distance.
For months, Asher ignored Daisy except for an occasional generic response. She checked in with him for any major milestones and only received annoying, but polite answers. She didn’t want him to be so bland and formal. She wanted honesty from Asher.
Maybe she demanded too much from him. He didn’t believe her now. So here she was.
He had all the control and power and she hated that. She contemplated their relationship and stewed over it. For months, she ignored it and stopped trying to fix things. The hurt, the grief, the desire to return to River’s End were so different from when she was younger. She considered all her options and the chance to change her path again.
She finally came to the conclusion. The one she had been building toward since Kate got sick. Maybe the one she’d been climbing towards for seven years. Finally, she knew exactly what she wanted, how she wanted it, where she wanted it and how she was going to get it. But most importantly, Daisy knew she was ready for who she wanted most of all. She was tired of waiting and not having control. She was going to take it.
Because this time, Daisy had a plan.
Months passed slowly in a mind-numbing fog. It was terrible. Asher fell into a routine of getting up early and not eating much. His stomach often hurt. Ignoring it, he did all his chores on his ranch. He worked at the Rydells. The work there distracted him, which he liked. He also checked on his dad and sometimes his sister. He visited them a lot more often too. They liked eating dinner together but usually had sad, hollow, tasteless meals. They also talked about Kate with each other. She was the catalyst; the bond she forged taught them to respect and love each other first and foremost. Kate made family the center of everything, so they continued to share dinners, talk together, interact, and connect. Getting together was not reserved for special occasions. Kate insisted that the real meaty stuff, like feelings and ties and mutual responsibilities, only occurred when everyone was on the same page and present.
Asher and AJ tried to do it often. But without Kate it was stiff, sad, and awkward. They resorted to silence more often than not and both were relieved to escape. Even Cami could not pull them together. For comic relief, her boys vied for the spotlight, which helped ease the discomfort they jointly experienced. Asher was more depressed after visiting his family than he was before.
This was the dread he wanted to avoid since the night of the funeral. Without Kate, the linchpin, everybody fell apart.
And they were falling apart inadvertently.
AJ and Asher tried to talk but the unbearable loss of Kate became an impermeable wall between them.
Four months after Kate died, Asher showed up at his dad’s house and found AJ packing a suitcase.
“What are you doing, Dad?”
AJ stopped, looking up from the open suitcase on the couch. Asher saw the stacks of shorts, t-shirts, and button-up shirts neatly packed. AJ looked at Asher with a startled expression, almost like he didn’t recognize him. Then he sat down on the only available spot on the couch, leaning forward as he rubbed his hands through his hair. “I just can’t do it anymore.”
“I know.” Asher didn’t ask what he meant because he knew. AJ’s life here without Kate was becoming unendurable. AJ was slowly wasting away.
“We had plans, you know. Retirement plans. And a bucket list we intended to check off. She was so excited… God. She was thrilled when I finally agreed to travel with her anywhere she chose. Of course, I did. First stop was supposed to be Bali.”
“Really? I didn’t know that.”
“Oh, yes. She just wanted to spend a few weeks in new-to-us places. She also wanted to spend more time with you and Cami and the grandkids. She was so happy we had grandkids.”
“Yes. But she’ll never know mine, if I have them.”
AJ paused and began compulsively scratching his head. Then he raised his eyes and replied, “It’s all fucked up, Asher, all of it is totally fucked up. And so are we.”
“I know.” Asher flopped down across from his dad in the armchair.
“I’m sorry. I just suck without her. I always knew that. If Cami had arrived before Kate got here, I’d have surely ruined Cami. I didn’t know how to raise her. I would have lost her, no doubt about it. I know it. Kate made me whole. Whenever I lacked the know-how, Kate patiently showed me what to do. She taught me how to live. Always. And she would have taught me how to retire. What the hell do I know about retirement? I had no clue what to do and now I have nothing to do because she’s not here. I have nothing left. I mean, you guys are my only pleasure, and I fear I’ve turned into the man I was before I met her. That quick. It all just disintegrated.”
“Yeah. Not just for you, but for all of us. I don’t blame you one bit, Dad. This is whatever it is. It’s damn hard.”
“Yeah. But I do blame myself.”
“What is your plan then? Are you moving away?”
“No. I’m going to Bali and starting there. It was her dream. Her plan. If I do that, I hope I can remember all that she wanted us to do. Maybe that will help me find my way. I’m lost here and I don’t know…” AJ’s voice drifted off as his hands ran through his hair. “I don’t know what else to do, frankly. I could drink myself to death, but I won’t. She’d never forgive me for that. So, I have to try her plan. I found the bucket list we made. I taped it to my headboard and started reading it. Maybe that’s the answer. So—” He stopped and abruptly stood up. “Listen to how stupid I sound. I’m running away. I sound so scared, desperate and stupid.”
“No, Dad. You’re not because you’re searching for the right answer. You’re trying something new. The grieving is inevitable but it’s holding you back now. Go to Bali. If you think it will help you get through this malaise, then do it. God knows, being here isn’t helping your psyche one bit.”
AJ flopped back down. “No, it isn’t. I’m sorry. I failed you kids, and I know it. But I can’t pull myself out of this spiralling descent that sucks me down. I feel so tired sometimes, that it hurts me just to lift my head up and get out of bed. I could sleep forever…”
“That sounds like depression, Dad. Not grief. But it’s real and if a trip to Bali picks you up and makes you feel better, then go. Do it.”
He gave Asher a stricken but grateful look. “What will Cami think?”
“She’ll hope it helps you too.”
“I guess so… I’m pretty useless right now anyway.”
Asher rose and set a hand on his dad’s shoulder. “Ease up on yourself. You need time to heal. I think you should do this, and I’m sure Cami will understand.”
Of course, she did. Cami revealed a new maturity after Kate died. She became the matriarch on their side of the family. Now fifty-two years old, Cami was ready to take up Kate’s role. Eventually, she would.