“Only for the holidays,” I agree.
She gives me a mischievous smirk. Clearly, she has some other plan.
My last stop is Kade, who happens to be in his studio. I watch him work with a bunch of guys who are in their early twenties. I stay still in the corner, observing them. I could give them a few pointers, but I don’t say a word. It’s none of my business, but this confirms that I’d love to teach music.
Once the studio is empty, Kade finally pays attention to me. “I heard a rumor that you’re touring Seattle. I’m not sure how to feel because if my calculations are correct, I’m the last one.”
I grin. “They say to save the best for last.”
He frowns. “Who are they?”
I shrug. “Who the fuck knows, the internet people?”
He laughs. “I’d offer you a beer but we’re both in the recovering alcoholic boat. It sucks until you get used to it.”
That was one of the first things he told me when he learned I was smoking weed. Stop or it’ll consume you. “I should’ve listened to you.”
“Remember this, your past is there for you to learn, not to regret. You had a lot of issues growing up, and I’m sure a lot of things happened to you while you were in foster care and then on tour. It all adds up. I understand you more than most people. It’s easier to drown your sorrows. For me, it was easier to snort cocaine before I got home than to deal with my wife sober. I wasn’t emotionally mature to be married and have kids or to understand that my marriage was a clusterfuck.”
Not many would understand what he’s talking about, but for me, he makes sense. I chose to smoke grass and then drink to avoid all the emotions that haunted me since I was a kid. Then doing it so I wouldn’t have to confront Ethan because I was afraid of losing him. If I had been sober, I would’ve seen that I never had him.
I lost a lot in my lifetime. I couldn’t deal with losing him. It took me time to understand that he’s never been mine.
Some days, I still have trouble digesting that reality. It’s like with everything else, one day at a time. One emotion at a time. One loss at a time.
“I’ve carried the feeling that I’m not enough,” I finally speak. “It’s been with me since my mom died. My mind understands that my parents left because they died, but still, there’s that underlying issue that says, you weren’t enough, and they left.
“No one in the foster care system said, you matter. I was just a paycheck for some, a problem for others, and I never felt like I belonged until…I fell in love, and he rejected me too.”
He arches an eyebrow. “I didn’t know the last part. Do you want me to beat the shit out of him?”
I snort. “No. It just became easy to numb my feelings than to deal with them.”
“I understand, and I want you to remember that you’re not alone.”
“I’m sorry for letting you down.”
He pats my shoulder. “You didn’t let me down. I’m glad that you’re ready to take charge of your life and transform it.”
I tell him what I haven’t said out loud since I left the center, “What if I fuck up?”
“You won’t this time, but if you do, we’ll try again until you can stand on your own,” he promises.
“How do you know I won’t fail this time?”
“This is the first time you’re going around trying to make amends with those who you wronged,” he explains. “It hurt to see you fall apart and to have you yell at me saying, ‘You’re not my father,’ but I got it. You weren’t ready to feel the pain and deal with it.”
Fuck, I feel like an asshole. “I’m sorry for saying that. You…I love you and Sadie a lot. Sometimes I wished you were my parents.”
“I love you like a son,” he states. “Sadie and I sometimes regret letting you go to The Coop. It’s not like it matters anymore. We can’t and won’t change the past. I just hope that you understand that you’re a Hades.”
This is something I talked about with one of my therapists. I felt like I finally had a home when I lived with this family, but I also wanted to leave as soon as possible. What if they realized I wasn’t worthy of them? I never felt like I could be enough for them. Maybe I was—I am. I’d like to stay with them during the holidays.
“Sadie wants me to move in with you.”
“She wants to make sure you’re okay,” he says, glancing toward the skyline and then back at me. “We want to be here for you. I know how hard it is to keep your resolutions during the first couple of years. More so during the holidays. It doesn’t get easier, but you learn to manage. You have Hannah and the guys, but the more people you have supporting you, the easier it’ll be for you to stay clean.”
“If you’re sure that you want me here,” I say. “I’ll stay, as long as you let me pay for the groceries, help around the house, and don’t try to pay me while I help in the flower shop.”
He grins. “We can always settle the debt in cookies.”
I pat my stomach a couple of times. “I’ll take that.”
Chapter Thirteen
Ethan
I might not be in love with Zeke Hutchence, but he’s the love of my life.
I still love him. That will never change.
And because I love him and I want him to be fine, I do what he asks. I stay the fuck away from him. My excuse is Tucker. I fly to Colorado to hang out with him every weekend. On Mondays, I’m tired as fuck, but it’s worth the trouble.
My method works like a charm, up until Hannah convinces Tuck to visit us in Seattle. Why does she have to use logic? According to her, it’s easier for him to travel than for all of us to visit him. Plus, I might stop consuming all the coffee in the state of Washington to keep up with my hectic schedule.
Also, if he comes to us, he can visit his family. That’s when I have to find other ways to leave town. The excuses work most of the time except for this weekend. I should propose to open a branch of HANNETH in New York and move out of this place.
I could live close to Fitz.
He promised to corrupt me as soon as I’m over Zeke, which I am. Who am I kidding? I’m actually developing a bigger crush on him.
The guy is hotter than he was before. Since he’s been doing yoga, his body is muscular, lean, and tight. He’s tasty. That new, I just rolled out of bed haircut makes him tempting. Every time I see him pull out a lollipop and suck it, my dick twitches. I know exactly how that tongue and mouth work.
When no one is looking I stare at his round ass. Would I like to fuck him? Yes. Also, I want him to fuck me so bad. It’s been years. If none of that can happen, at least I want a taste—just a little nibble.
Okay, I want him to bite me. Fuck, I’m delusional and horny.
If I tackle him to the floor within the next couple of days, I might plead temporary insanity.
Maybe if we hadn’t spent time in Kade’s studio playing, I wouldn’t be all wound up and ready to pounce him. He is one of my favorite people in the world—my most favorite. My favorite thing to do with him when we couldn’t fuck was play music.