Hannah stands up, grabs my hand, and pulls it. She drags me to where Zeke stands and says, “I’m going to introduce you to a friend. Zeke, this is Ethan. He’s shy, broody, and a big nerd, like you. Ethan, meet Zeke. He’s a sci-fi nerd, a musician, and somehow the extrovert of the bunch. I think you two could be the best of friends.”
“We’re not five, Hannah,” I stare at her.
“And yet, you’re behaving like a child.”
She takes our hands and shakes them while Tucker says. “Nice to meet you, Zeke. Same, Ethan. Did you know I have a crush on Han Solo, Zeke? I’m more of a Chris Pine dude, but we can still hang out together, Ethan, and play with our toys.”
“You’re an idiot,” Zeke groans, pulling his hand away from mine.
At that moment, I realize how much I’ve missed his touch. Also, that we’ll never be able to fix our shit. Not until I come clean.
“See, this is weird,” I state. “We didn't just have a fallout. We were in an on-and-off relationship for several years, but since I wouldn’t come out of the closet, he dumped my ass. Which I deserved.”
Zeke takes a step back, his eyes bulging, and almost seems to shrink into himself.
Hannah gasps and releases my hand as if it’s on fire.
Alex mumbles in a sing-a-song tone, “Awkward.”
“You two were together?” Tucker’s voice sharpens. He glowers. “Fuck, how did I not notice? We lived together. We promised not to have any secrets between us.”
“I’m that good at lying,” I state. “It was the fear of anyone finding out I was bi. I was never ashamed of being with Zeke but afraid that I’d lose everything I had. I dragged him into my labyrinth of deceit.”
“His priorities suck,” Zeke finally speaks. “Now, if you don’t mind, I need to call my sponsor and maybe visit my therapist.”
“It’s Saturday,” Tucker says. “We can talk about this.”
“Yeah, well, I consider this an emergency,” Zeke announces. His tone drops a few levels as he glances toward the door, ready to bolt.
“So, am I to assume that next weekend is a no-go?” Alex mumbles. “Are we going to have to choose sides? Hashtag Team Ethan or hashtag Team Zeke? Let’s be honest, hashtag Team Zethan sounds cooler.”
Zeke snorts, then looks at me. “I’m going. I don’t have a problem if you go—as long as you stay in your lane.”
I nod, confused as to what this means. Nevertheless, I’ll take any crumbs he hands me.
Zeke leaves without saying another word. I’m tempted to text him and ask if there’s anything I can do for him or apologize for pushing him to want to have a drink.
“Can you check on him later?” I ask Hannah as I grab my stuff.
She nods.
Chapter Fourteen
From: ZJH <[email protected]>
To: EDK <[email protected]>
Subject: What the fuck, man?
I always thought that if you ever came out to them and told them about us, it’d be in a different setting. I get it. We all have our personal journey—our way to tackle our issues.
Yours is fucked up, dude.
Hannah was trying to clear the air and you were like, “Dude, we can’t because we fucked for years. I broke his heart, and we’re behaving like two immature teenagers.”
Are you for real?
Can we agree that what you did was…? See, I can’t even call it wrong.
It was terrible for me.
Leaving the house after what you said sucked.
It could’ve been a grand opening to hash out our emotional baggage. You made it impossible because there were four other people who don’t need to be a part of the conversation. I love them dearly, but this is a game of two. They don’t get to be spectators.
That could’ve been a great moment to tell you that I was miserable while we were together and even more when we weren’t.
I’m fucking miserable because I can’t yell at you. I couldn’t describe to you how the anger sizzles under my skin. It’s a low flame that, when provoked, becomes a blazing fire. A fire that consumes me. You’re the only one who controls the flame.
That’s exactly what happened on Saturday. I was burning from the inside out.
You ruined the weekend!
Maybe it was ruined since Friday when those two left us playing music alone. They had no idea what they did, did they?
They don’t know we speak our own language between notes and riffs. That after playing for so long, we can distinguish an “I love you” from “You’re the dawn of my existence.” You can tell me so much through music. If you at least listened to the “Fuck you, stop,’ in between the lines, I wouldn’t have stopped playing. Yet, you continued your shit. That’s why I stopped.
It wasn’t real then. It can’t be real now.
You lived in a world where everything was an illusion.
In conclusion, you ruined the weekend for everyone. Are we going to be able to survive the trip to Steamboat? I can take one for the team and stay behind.
The next time you’re about to rip out your heart and mine, I’d like a warning.
Zeke
P.S. Did Alex seriously ship us? #Zethan?
From: EDK <[email protected]>
To: ZJH <[email protected]>
Subject: Illusion vs. reality
I don’t know why I’m responding to this email.
There were three other people unless you’re talking about Bruno, Hannah’s dog, too.
Yes, Alex shipped us. Zethan is a lot better than Etheke.
If not now, when? They had to learn what happened at some point. It was in the making since the first time we kissed. You can blame me for your emotional turmoil. I’ll take it.
I apologize for ripping your heart out and mishandling it. As usual, it wasn’t my intention.
Now that I settled a few points, I’d like to focus on what you call an illusion. None of it was a distortion of our senses. We both fell in love. It was a young, innocent, and at times naive love that I hid from reality.
It was safer for us to remain like that. At least, that’s what I believed. See, that part was the illusion.
Our reality affected the love we felt for each other. You can deny that we had feelings for each other, but the music spoke for us, as you mentioned in your email.
My current illusion is that you’ll forgive me one day and that we’ll get past my stupidities. I live under the illusion that we can get to a place where I can hold you again and live a life where you continue being my favorite person.
If the only reality I have to live is having you as a friend, I’ll take it.
Love,
Ethan
P.S. See you in Steamboat. It’ll be fun to watch your first time. Play by play.
From: ZJH <[email protected]>
To: EDK <[email protected]>
Subject: How’s your ass?
There’s a joke right there, but I’ll save it for later. You suck at snowboarding. I agree with Alex. Try skiing at a bunny mountain.