Sky leans back, looks down at her food and fidgets with her fork. When she doesn’t say anything at first, I continue.
“There’s a reason I bring this up. If you have a hang-up about sex, that’s fine. I’m not holding it against you in any way, shape, or form. But I am thinking to myself, at this stage in my life, I know I won’t like another person in the way I like you, Sky. I couldn’t be more into someone. Fuck, that’s…Maybe that’s a little much for you to hear. I enjoy you. And I think sex with you could be really great. And if it’s something we’ve got to work through, I want to work through it with you. Maybe I’m not the love of your life, but I care deeply about you, Sky. And I will take great care of you if and when we cross that line. I want you to know that.”
Sky’s gaze clouds over. Her eyes reflect the winter sunlight coming in through the big paneled windows of the cafeteria.
She exhales a loud breath. “I do have a hang up about sex. You’re not imagining it.”
“It’s okay. Yes—I know I tried to have sex with you when you sneaked into my room and…woke me up.” We both seem to have avoided that detail during conversation since it happened. Which is why I’m bringing it up.
She grins, ever so slightly. “I know you did. Part of me wanted to hop onto you. A big part. But I hesitated.”
“Yes. And as much as I wanted it, I’m glad we waited. I’d prefer to talk things out with you, like we are right now. Get things out in the open. Tell me about your hang-ups. If you’re comfortable telling me about them.”
She rubs the back of her neck and lets out a loud sigh. “I guess it started in high school.”
“What happened? Something with the guy you dated?”
She nods. “I was dating this guy junior year just because he was the hot captain of the football team. I think he just liked me because I had the whole ‘stereotypically sexy cheerleader in a short skirt’ thing going for me back then.” She makes a motion with her hand around her body. I assume she’s making the point that she wouldn’t be mistaken for a cheerleader these days, what with her giant glasses, often loose-fitting pants and shirts, and general ‘hipster grunge’ look. I haven’t seen her in a tight dress or short skirt…maybe ever.
Sky continues. “We started hooking up. I felt pressured to give him what he wanted, you know? He was a year older, and I guess there was the whole ‘status’ thing about dating him. He was in the cool party crowd, plus he was team captain. Ugh, it makes my stomach churn just thinking about this whole thing and how I didn’t stand up for what I truly felt on the inside.”
“High school social status seems like everything when you’re there. Once you get a little older though, you realize how little it really matters.”
She pauses and takes a sip of her coffee. Something about her aura makes me want to get to the bottom of Sky, as if I when I find out what makes her tick, I’ll find something out about the core of the whole world.
“It only matters when you’re in the vortex of high school,” she says. “That’s why I’m so glad no one from my high school attended Greene State. So I could reinvent myself. Silly I know.”
“Not silly. Smart. You’re trying on different identities and seeing what fits. That’s normal.”
“Getting back to the story of me and AJ McDickface—no that’s not his real last name because I’ve blocked it out. I finally gave in and we had sex. Gah, even saying that phrase makes me cringe. ‘Gave in.’ But it’s the only way to truthfully tell the story. I allowed myself to be pressured by him. He didn’t ‘force himself’ on me or anything like that, I just didn’t say no, and instead I convinced myself it was something I wanted, too. We were both drunk and he took my virginity in the basement of a friend’s home when their parents were away.”
My chest tightens, and a chill runs through my body down to the bone as I play a video of this scenario in my head, where Sky loses her v-card with a look of non-enthusiasm on her face.
It’s not jealousy that rolls through me, but an edgy feeling of intense strength that makes my skin prickle. It pains me.
“Fuck, Sky. Fuck. That sucks so much. I’m so sorry that’s how you lost it.”
She looks toward the exit and shrugs. “It’s fine.”
I reach across the table, and point her chin toward me gently. “No, it’s not.”
“What do you mean, it’s not?”
Sky could not look more uncomfortable right now. She’s practically squirming in her seat. But this is a conversation I want to have with her.
I continue. “It wasn’t fine that you lost your virginity like that. Moving forward, you’ll be fine because you’re strong and resilient. But we don’t have to look at our pasts through rose-colored glasses. If your first sexual experience was extremely negative, that’s something we need to acknowledge. If only so we can process it.”
A beat passes before Sky finally nods and says quietly, “We?”
“Yes, we. What are friends for?” I say. It comes out before I can think about the word ‘friend.’ At this point, we’re evolving into something beyond just friends. “When you share a secret, it loses its power over you.”
“Where’d you hear that?”
I shrug. “My cousin told me once.”
“Well, thanks. I do feel a little better, sharing it with you.”
“Secrets lose their power over us when we share them with someone we trust.”
She flips her hair and clears her throat. I could be seeing a slight glaze of tears forming over her eyes, but I can’t tell if it’s just the reflection of the fluorescent lights.
“I should finish the story. Anyway, after that, we started having sex and he just wanted me to be his little sex object porn star cheerleader girl. He wanted me to go down on him like a porn star goes down on guys and this and that. We would even watch porn together and then he’d have me imitate it. And I went along with it because I was young and stupid, even though the amount of pleasure I was getting from it was basically nothing. I never even came with him once. Although I never told him that.”
A wave of strong emotion washes over me. Sky’s peeling back her layers, and I feel the vulnerability rolling off of her.
“Holy fuck, Skylar.”
I reach my hand across the table for her to touch, and she takes it.
My chest tightens as I squeeze her hand. She takes off her glasses and wipes her eyes.
“Sex changed everything with him. It’s like…he had this control on me afterward. I guess I was keeping him there with the sex. He stopped wanting to go out with me, do things, I was just at his beck and call. And I fucking let him. I went along with the things he wanted to do with me to make him happy. I felt guilty and obligated for something that I didn’t even want in my heart. Thank God he went to college and cheated on me.”
“Holy shit this guy is just a grade A dick, isn’t he!”
“The biggest dick of them all…not his actual dick though. That was kind of small.”
My eyes widen. “Jesus. Sky…likes to talk shit about someone. Wow, I’ve never heard you be mean to a soul.”