“Will you ever be able to forgive me?” I hold my breath as I wait for her to reply.
“I want to, but I don’t know if I can. All I can promise is I will try.”
“I can’t ask for more than that.” I clear my throat. “I thought it might be easier for you to be around me if I didn’t look so much like Reeve,” I admit though it’s only half of the truth. I was stupidly hoping if I looked the way I used to look that she might fall back in love with me.
Viv nods like she was expecting this answer.
We were so good together, and we had so many good times. I don’t want our relationship to be defined by those awful last moments. Especially not when we created someone so precious in Easton. In the future, I want our son to know his parents loved each other. That last night, I made love to Viv with my whole heart and soul. It felt magical at the time. Now I know it was because we were creating this incredible new life.
Her eyes lock on mine, and I wonder if my gaze is as emotional as hers. There is still so much that needs to be said, but I think both of us are done for the night. We stare at one another, and I want to kiss her so badly, but she is giving me no indication she wants the same thing. She’s still mourning her husband, and the very last thing I should be doing is pushing her into doing something she would regret. It hasn’t been long, and I have to respect that.
We just agreed to be friends, and it’s a huge step forward.
So, I will learn to be patient.
I will become so patient they’ll have to canonize me when I die.
If Ash was privy to my inner thoughts, she’d be so fucking proud of me.
Viv looks away first, and I sit back in the couch, bringing my beer to my lips. I want to enjoy this. Just being with her. I hope someday my presence offers her comfort in the way being around her does for me.
We drink in silence, both lost in thought, though I notice the sneaky glances she sends my way when she thinks I’m not noticing. After a bit, she shifts on the sofa, swinging her legs around and planting her feet on the ground. “Could I ask you to do one thing?” she says, placing her empty glass on the coffee table.
“Anything.” I pin her with earnest eyes.
She wipes her hands down the front of her dress in an obvious nervous tell. “Ditch the contacts, Dil. I want to see your gorgeous blue eyes.”
27
VIVIEN
“Uncle Dillon’s house is nice,” Easton remarks as I lift him out of his booster seat. His eyes scan the sprawling modern two-story property with enthusiasm. He was so excited for today I could hardly get him to sleep last night. I took Audrey’s advice, and he’s been sleeping in his own bedroom again, ever since the night Dillon put him to bed. I hate sleeping alone, but I know it’s the right thing to do even if both of us are having issues adjusting.
The door opens, revealing Dillon and Ash, and I pretend I don’t feel the quickening of my heart at the sight of him. Easton drops my hand like a hot potato and races toward his dad. My heart slams against my rib cage, like it does anytime they are together. I hang back, unsure if I can do this today. The urge to turn around, head home, and crawl into bed with a bottle of vodka is strong.
“Hey, you.” Ash bounds over to me, hugging me without hesitation. “I’m so glad you agreed to come.”
“I’m not sure about this.” I watch Dillon throw Easton over his shoulder with a massive smile on his face. E shrieks in delight, and I’m glad he’s not aware of the significance of today. “Maybe I should go home.” I know it’s bad if I’m considering leaving Easton here without me.
Ash loops her arm in mine as Dillon tosses Easton up into the air. Easton squeals and giggles, thoroughly enjoying himself. “You shouldn’t be alone today. That would be a very bad idea.”
I swing my eyes to hers. “You know what day it is?”
She nods, dragging me forward. “Audrey and I talk weekly. She told me.”
I knew they were in touch, but I didn’t realize it was a regular thing. However, I’m not angry. I know they are worried about me, and I like they are repairing their friendship. It’s important to me that both my besties get along.
Ash has been coming over to my house weekly for lunch, and it’s as if we were never apart. We still have plenty to catch up on, but I’m enjoying listening to her stories of life on the road with the band and hearing about all the amazing places she’s traveled to. I’m glad she’s back in my life and grateful she’s forgiven me for the horrible way I treated her. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything,” I admit. “It’s just so hard to say it out loud. Every time I think I might be turning a corner, something happens and it feels like I’m back to square one again.”
“It’s barely been three months. I think you’re doing amazing. Losing a baby is one of the most heartbreaking things you can endure. I can’t imagine what it must be like to lose your husband as well.” Tears prick her eyes. “I get upset just thinking about your pain.”
We stop walking, stalling a few feet from the front door. “Last night, when I was lying in bed, all I could think about was how different today should have been. I hardly got any sleep, which would have been the case if my pregnancy had gone full term, but I had no little angel squirming and kicking inside my belly.” I place a hand over my flat stomach. “I’ve never felt more hollow.”
A sob erupts from Ash’s mouth, causing Dillon to look over and frown.
“I don’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s okay,” she croaks, squeezing my hand. “I know today is going to be hard for you, and it’s why I didn’t want you to be alone. I think we should get shitfaced and toast to your little angel in heaven.”
“Now that’s a plan I can get behind.” It sure beats crying my eyes out alone in bed.
“Hey, Hollywood.” Dillon stops throwing our son in the air long enough to greet me. He flashes me that devilish grin I used to swoon over, and his entire face lights up when he smiles. Easton is good for Dillon. It’s blatantly obvious how happy he is whenever he’s around our son, and I don’t remember ever seeing him so carefree. I’m glad he’s in therapy, because he has a lot of deep-seated issues to work through. That’s something else I have Ash to thank for.
“Hi, Dillon.” I force a smile on my face.
Things have been better between us since we talked last week and came to an understanding of sorts. Meryl has helped me realize holding on to my anger, and clinging to the wrongs of the past, is holding me back from healing. I can’t change what happened. I can only control what happens from now on. Fooling myself into believing I hate Dillon is exhausting, and I’m done pretending. He is going to be in our lives, and it will be much easier for everyone if things are amicable, so I’m determined to start anew. He came over for dinner on Tuesday night and he’s been on FaceTime with E most every night before bed.
“Mommy.” Easton sounds winded. “I’m trying to reach the clouds,” he shrieks as Dillon throws him up into the air again.
Trying to give me heart failure, more like. “How about you come back down to earth for a while before you get a tummy ache?”