My jaw slackens as I take in the mini recording studio with child-sized guitars, a mounted keyboard, microphone on an adjustable stand, and a drum kit. Colorful bean bags are littered around the space. There’s even a miniature refrigerator, loaded with drinks, and a small desk and chair. My eyes lift to Dillon’s. “You did this for E?”
He nods as East strums a few chords on one of the guitars. Dillon has only begun teaching him, so he’s still a complete novice. “I thought he might be able to come over on occasion, and I can give him lessons here. Maybe, sometime, he could come and watch us record or come over and hang out with some of his buddies. I had the desk installed so he could do his homework or color if he gets bored.”
He has put so much thought into this, and my heart is a swollen mess behind my chest cavity.
Easton puts the guitar down and races to the drum kit. He plops down, grabs the drumsticks, and starts bashing away to his heart’s content. His face is animated in a way I haven’t seen in a long time. “Look at me, Uncle Dil. I’m a drummer like Uncle Ro!” Something loosens inside me, and I burst out crying. My emotions are all over the place today, and this is too much. I rush out of the room before E notices, not wanting to upset him when he’s so happy.
28
VIVIEN
I flee the studio, gasping for air as I struggle to breathe. Ash dashes out after me, pulling me into her arms as I break down. “It’s okay, Viv. I’ve got you.” She leads me away from the main house, over to the other side of the garden, to a stunning little seated area set amid copious colorful flowerbeds and shrubs. Lights are strung up over the open-fronted wooden gazebo as she leads me over to the homey wicker couch.
Ash wraps her arm around my shoulders, comforting me as I cry. “I’m so sick of crying,” I rasp, sniffling and swatting my tears away with the hem of my summer dress. “I’m sick of being sad all the time.” And I’m so freaking lonely. But I keep that thought to myself.
“It gets better.”
I lift my head, fixing her with blurry eyes. “What happened?” This isn’t the first time she’s alluded to something.
She shakes her head and smiles, but it’s off. “Not today. Today is about Lainey.”
“Ash.” I take her hands in mine. “It can still be about Lainey even if you tell me your story. I know there is one. Please tell me.”
Tears instantly fill her eyes, and now it’s my turn to comfort her. “Jamie and I… We lost a baby last year.”
“Oh, Ash. I’m so sorry.” I hug her tight.
“It was an ectopic pregnancy. We lost our baby at twelve weeks. I nearly died too. One of my fallopian tubes ruptured, and Jamie had to rush me to the hospital. We were at home in Ireland, so we managed to keep it out of the press.”
I was wondering why I hadn’t heard anything.
“We found out I was pregnant at six weeks, and we were overjoyed.” Tears roll down her cheeks. “We told Dillon and Ronan straightaway. Ro’s girlfriend Clodagh was pregnant with Emer at the time. I was so excited our baby would have an automatic best friend in his cousin. We had only just flown home to tell our parents when I collapsed.”
“I’m so sorry, Ash.” It’s no wonder she’s been so understanding. She knows exactly what I’m going through.
“I was in bits for months.” She shucks out of my embrace, and we sit back on the couch. “I couldn’t stop crying. Jamie was great, but he didn’t know how to make it better.”
“There is nothing anyone can say or do that takes away the pain. It’s a process of surviving each day, and gradually you learn to live with it.”
She nods. “But it never goes away, and you never forget.”
“Never.” I agree, placing a hand over my heart.
“They had to remove one of my fallopian tubes, but we should still be able to have kids. It might just be a little bit harder. We’ve decided to wait until after we are married before we attempt it. I need to build up the courage.”
“I can relate. Even if Reeve were here, there is no way I could consider trying for another baby yet even if a part of me believes it’s the very thing that will heal me.”
“I didn’t want to pry in case I upset you, but is everything okay after the accident? You’ll be able to have more children in the future?”
I nod. “Yes. Thankfully, there was no permanent damage. There should be no reason why I can’t have more babies. Though that’s the last thing on my mind right now.”
She takes my hand, squeezing it. “No matter how long you mourn Lainey and Reeve, assholes are going to criticize you as soon as you move on. The timing really doesn’t make any difference. So fuck what anyone else thinks. Life goes on, Viv. You have every right to look to the future and to think of having more kids. It doesn’t dishonor them if you start living again. I’m sure it’s what Reeve would want.”
“I know he would, but I doubt he’d want me to move on with his twin.”
“Wouldn’t he?” Ash quirks a brow. “He knew there was love between you. A very special, rare kind of love, and Dillon is Easton’s biological father. I didn’t know Reeve, but the fact he included Dillon in his will speaks volumes. I think Reeve would be happy if you end up with Dillon. At least he knows his twin will love you as completely as he did.”
I blow air out of my mouth. “Woah. This is a lot of heavy for a day like today.”
“We’re just talking.” She smiles. “No one is pressuring you. Maybe Dillon and you will fall back into love, or maybe you won’t. I’m just saying do things for you. Fuck what anyone else thinks.”
I chew on the corner of my mouth, wondering if I should say this. But it’s Ash, and I know I can tell her anything. “I have never stopped loving him, Ash. He has always owned a piece of my heart.”
“I’m so happy to hear that.”
“It doesn’t mean anything will happen,” I blurt because I can’t even think of that without feeling enormous guilt.
“I know, but just promise me you won’t dismiss your feelings because you are worrying about what others will think. If Dillon and you are meant to be together, it should happen naturally. Without any interference.”
“How did me talking about being able to have kids in the future end up a conversation about Dillon and me?”
“There’s a natural correlation with both those things.”
I open my mouth to tell her that’s the very definition of interference when she continues talking.
“You and I are always in sync in our lives. Back in Ireland, it was men. Now, it’s this.” She squeezes my hand again. “We have both endured the heartbreaking loss of our babies, but we will go on because we are strong and we can overcome the worst experiences to emerge even stronger.”
“We are in sync, and I’m so glad you found it in your heart to forgive me.”
“There was nothing to forgive, Viv.” Her clear blue eyes stare earnestly at me. “I was so fucking pissed off at the time it happened, but after I discovered everything, I instantly forgave you. It wasn’t your fault, and you did what you believed was the best for both Reeve and Dillon and for you and your baby. I would never, could never, hold that against you.”