“I love you.” I pull her into my arms. “You and Audrey are the sisters I never had.”
“Right back at ya, Viv.”
A crunching sound has us whipping our heads around. Dillon strides toward us, concern evident on his handsome face as he takes in our blotchy skin and our embrace.
“He worries about you,” Ash whispers.
“Hey.” Dillon steps inside the gazebo, his gaze immediately finding mine. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” I stand, pulling my Irish bestie with me. “I just got overwhelmed. Seeing you with E and seeing what you built for him…it was a lot. I’m extra emotional today.”
“That’s understandable.” Dillon stares at me in that intense way of his, like he’s drilling a hole into my chest in a bid to get to the heart of the matter.
“I’m fine too,” Ash says, planting her hands on her hips and narrowing her eyes at her brother. “In case you were wondering why I was crying.”
Dillon pulls his gaze from me, frowning as he takes note of his sister. “What’s wrong? Why were you crying?”
“Why do you think, dumbass?” She rolls her eyes, and Dillon scratches the back of his head.
“I wouldn’t ask if I knew.”
Ash grabs my elbow, pulling me out past her brother. “Men are such idiots.”
“I heard that,” Dillon says from behind us.
“You were supposed to.”
I giggle, and this is exactly what I need to get through the rest of this day.
That and pink gin cocktails, which are in plentiful supply throughout the afternoon. After we plant the white rose bushes in Lainey’s memory, we all congregate by the pool. Dillon, Jamie, and Ro get in with Easton while Ash and I sunbathe around the pool, sipping our drinks. There isn’t a cloud in the sky. The sun is beating down on us, and the sounds of my son laughing help to repair some of the cracks in my heart.
I will always remember Lainey, and I will always be sad I never got to meet her when she was alive. I got to hold her in the hospital for a few minutes, and she looked so peaceful, like a beautiful sleeping doll, bundled in her soft pink blanket with the white knit hat. Her eyes were closed, and she was unaware of her momma’s pain as I sobbed and sobbed holding her.
I will never forget it, and my daughter will always be in my heart, but I’ve got to live in the present because my other child needs me.
I make a silent vow to only remember Lainey with happiness, not sadness, from now on. I owe it to myself and my son to try harder, and I will.
A subtle breeze gently lifts strands of my hair, and a serene sort of peace flows through me. Warmth infuses my insides, and the tightness in my chest is gone, as if a switch has been flipped. I stare up at the sky in silent awe, wondering what just happened.
“Is that you, my love? Are you watching over me today and helping to ease my pain?”
Tears prick my eyes, behind my sunglasses, but for once, they are happy tears. I am not a religious person, but something profound just happened, and I find enormous comfort and strength in the thought that Reeve is up there somewhere, still looking after me. Still loving and protecting me even after he’s gone.
29
VIVIEN
Hours pass peacefully, and I can’t explain what happened. All I know is I feel more at peace within myself than I have felt in months. “Mommy! Come and swim with me,” Easton pleads from his position on top of Dillon’s shoulders. He’s been taking turns diving off all his uncles’ shoulders, and I’m sure his skin is wrinkled by this point—he’s been in the water so long.
“I’m coming.” I stand, removing my glasses and placing them on the lounger. I feel Dillon’s eyes on me as I pull my hair into a messy bun on the top of my head. I’m wearing a one-piece black and gold bathing suit that is the most modest suit I own. Usually, I wear bikinis, but I didn’t want to see my scar today and be reminded even more of my loss. By the way Dillon stares at me as I enter the pool, you’d swear I was naked. I’m uncomfortable with the intensity of his attention today, and I don’t want to feel the way he makes me feel.
Desirable.
Horny.
Alive.
Like my skin is on fire in every spot where his gaze lands.
Like I might die if I don’t feel his hands on me right now.
It feels wrong to feel like this, today of all days, and I wish he’d cut it out.
Water laps at my legs and thighs as I move farther into the pool, and the cool sensation is a welcome balm to my hot skin. “Yay, Mommy’s here.” Easton launches himself off Dillon’s shoulders, plunging into the pool, drenching me all over. Dillon chuckles. Jamie grins, and Ro is rather expressionless as they wade by, exiting the pool to leave us alone.
I really wish they wouldn’t.
“He’s a little nutter,” Dillon says as E bursts through the surface, splashing water droplets everywhere.
He throws himself at me, winding his little legs around my waist and his arms around my neck, as he plasters kisses to my face. “This is so fun.” He fixes me with a toothy grin, and my heart melts. I live for these moments. I love seeing him happy and carefree without any lingering grief. Then he’s gone again, diving under the water like a fish. We had an instructor come to the house when Easton was a baby, and by the time he was one, he was a bona fide expert in the pool.
“Yes. I wonder where he got that from?” I respond to Dillon’s comment in a teasing tone, and it’s good to be able to acknowledge the traits I see in E that belong to Dillon without feeling guilty or sad. “He’s always been a little wild, but he’s disciplined too, and he never gave Reeve or I any trouble.”
“I have it on good faith that a certain Hollywood princess was a little wild when she was younger.” Dillon waggles his brows.
“Lies. All lies,” I protest, ducking down so my shoulders are fully submerged under the water.
Dillon mirrors my position as we watch Easton resurfacing. “I remember a story about someone climbing a tree and falling off and breaking her arm.”
I smile at the memories. The original one, where Reeve caught me and injured himself. And the more recent one when I was sitting at the busy table in the O’Donoghues’ house telling them who I was. “I guess I was a little wild,” I say, treading water. “It’s a miracle Easton isn’t completely reckless.”
“I think that must’ve been Reeve’s calming influence.”
I stare at him as if he’s sprouted another head.
“You told me enough about him to know he wasn’t a rule breaker,” Dillon explains.
“If you had asked me in school, I would’ve agreed completely. But later, not so much.” I’m still shocked Reeve turned to cocaine and other uppers during that awful period of our history.
“Do you have photo albums I could see?” he asks as we move around the water. East is swimming a few laps, babbling away to himself, seemingly content to be by himself while Dillon and I talk.
“You’ve already seen everything I have, and that reminds me. The prints I ordered for you are due to arrive next week.” Dillon wanted to see every picture we had of Easton from the time he was born. We have hundreds of digital photos, which I gave him on a USB stick, but I always print out family photos and put them in albums. My parents did that for me, and I like to think I’m starting a tradition. One of my favorite things to do as a little girl was sit down with Mom and go through them.