32
Dillon
“Penny for them,” Ash says, walking into the kitchen with Jamie in tow, like the good little lapdog he is.
I grip the counter harder, warring with my emotions. It’s been two weeks since the night Easton and Vivien stayed here, and she’s barely giving me the time of day. I can’t stand it, and I don’t know how much longer I can do this without cracking. Slowly, I turn around, sighing. “Vivien is freezing me out again. It’s like we take one step forward and then ten steps back.”
“She’s running scared since she let you go down on her.” Ash casually throws it out there, like it’s normal to just blurt that shit.
“What the fuck, babe?” Jamie stares at her.
“What?” Ash looks between us, jabbing her finger in the air. “It’s not like you two don’t talk about us.”
“Hell no.” I push off the counter. I won’t be having that. “I get zero details of what you two get up to in the bedroom. Even knowing you have a sex life freaks me out.”
Ash rolls her eyes. “You’re being ridiculous. We’re all adults. We all have sex.”
“Except Dillon isn’t getting any, and I think that’s the problem.” Jamie smirks, and I’m tempted to punch him in the face.
I flip him the bird. “My hand is getting plenty of action.”
Ash makes a face but refrains from commenting because that would make her a hypocrite.
I can’t resist pushing her buttons. “I subscribed to a new porn channel. Damn, that shit is cheesy, but it does the job.” I rub my hand up and down my crotch while I lie.
As if I need porn to get me off.
Just thinking about Viv gets me hard in seconds.
“Okay, enough.” She holds up one palm. “You made your point, and my point is Viv moved too fast. I’m surprised she even confided in me, but she feels disloyal to Reeve, and she’s too stuck in her head over what people would think if she starts anything with you.”
“I don’t give a flying fuck what anyone thinks.”
“You don’t, but she does. There is a lot of bad history there, as we all know, so I get why she’s concerned.”
“It’s not just about us. She’s regressing with Easton too. He got into a little trouble yesterday in kindergarten. Some fuckface said horrible shit about Reeve, and Easton shoved him. He fell over and hit his head off the side of a desk, and now his parents are threatening to sue the school and sue Vivien. She’s talking about pulling him out and getting him a home tutor, which would not be good. The only time she lets him out of her sight is to go to school. She won’t even let him go to Nash’s house. Nash always has to go to them. It’s not normal, and it’s not helping Easton.”
“Have you told her that?” Ash pulls a carton of orange juice out of the fridge.
“I’ve tried broaching the subject, but I’m largely still biting my tongue around her.”
Ash frowns as Jamie pulls a glass out of the overhead cupboard for her. “Why are you doing that?”
“More to the point, how?” Jamie asks, watching Ash pour herself a large glass of orange juice. “It’s not like you are known for holding back.”
“I’m doing what you told me to do,” I tell Ash. “I’m putting her needs above my own.”
“Oh my God.” Ash dribbles juice down her chin. “Why are men so fucking dumb?” she mutters to herself as she swipes a blueberry muffin and heads outside to the patio table and chairs.
I’m not a massive fan of the warm California weather, but I’ve got to admit it’s nice to spend so much time outdoors and not need a rain jacket. “Spit it out.” I flop onto one of the chairs.
“I said put her needs above your own. That doesn’t mean biting your tongue if things need to be said.”
“If I tell her what I feel, it’ll cause an argument, and that’ll upset her. How is that being considerate of her needs?”
Ash rubs her temples. “I swear it’s like dealing with children.”
“Fuck you, Ash.” Fire blazes from my eyes. “You are the one who told me to do this. Don’t fucking turn around now and call me an imbecile and make out like this is all my fault. I’m doing the best I can.” My voice cracks, and I feel like a pussy, but everyone seems to forget this has been hard on me too. Yes, I know some of it was my own doing, but I’m trying to make amends, and I’m only human.
Despite what people might think of me, I have feelings.
“This isn’t easy on me,” I admit. “You think I like holding back when I see the woman I love torturing herself because she believes she doesn’t deserve to be happy? I know she has feelings for me, but she’s going to bury them until she forgets they exist. And I have to hold back from telling my son he’s my son because the timing needs to be right. Do you have any fucking idea how hard it is to be around that little boy and not tell him?” I lean my elbows on the table. “Do you know how badly I want him to call me daddy? And how badly I want to take care of both of them? How I lie in bed every night thinking of them over in that big sad lonely house wishing I could be there to help ease their pain?”
Pressure sits on my chest. “We built that memorial garden for Reeve. The three of us. And I thought it would help her to see that we can do this together. That she doesn’t need to handle everything alone, but she’s more withdrawn than ever.” I rub at my stinging eyes. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I constantly second-guess myself, and I don’t know if I’m even helping.”
“I’m sorry, Dil.” Ash reaches across the table, taking my hand. “No one is dismissing your feelings, and we know it’s difficult for you.”
“You’re doing amazing with both of them,” Jamie supplies. “And Vivien may not want to see it or accept it, but she needs you, and you can’t give up on her.”
“I’m never giving up on her, Jay. Never again. No matter how tough it gets, I’m going nowhere.” I exhale heavily, kicking my feet up on the table. “Fuck, I’d kill for a smoke.” I gave the ciggies up last February, but I still crave them.
Ash squeezes my hand. “I love you, brother. And I truly believe Viv does too. I’m sorry for making fun of you. That wasn’t fair.” She wets her lips as Jamie sneakily grabs her drink, finishing off her juice. “I didn’t mean for you to deny who you are or to bite your tongue around her. You can be cognizant of her needs and still be you. In fact, I think you need to be more you. That’s what she needs now.”
“What exactly are you saying, Ash, because you’re confusing the hell outta me.”
“You need to be your normal dickhead self. Viv needs Dickhead Dillon. You holding back from speaking your mind is the worst idea. Stop overthinking it, and just be you.”
I look at my mate. “Women are batshit crazy. They say one thing but mean another. You deserve a fucking gold medal for putting up with that shite for all these years.”
“Fact.” Jamie mouths behind Ash’s back, but he doesn’t say a word out loud, because he’s so fucking pussy-whipped he’s terrified to admit I speak the truth.