“You didn't. Not really. I knew he would never cheat on me again. He was always so quiet and melancholy on Christmas Day. I know he was remembering our breakup and how much it killed him to be separated from me. He loved our family and the life we shared. He wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. I was sure of it, but I just needed to ask you about it.”
“I was such an asshole to you. I’m sorry.”
She waves her hand in the air. “It’s water under the bridge now, Dillon, and I don’t want to think about all that again.”
Silence engulfs us for a few minutes, but it’s the kind of comfortable silence I live for with Viv. There is such peace in sitting here holding her in my arms.
“I’m tired of feeling guilty, Dil,” she admits, snuggling closer. “I’m tired of missing Reeve and Lainey, but most of all, I’m tired of not living. I want to be happy again. I just want to be happy.” Her voice trails off, and she sounds dejected and sad.
“I want you to be happy too, sweetheart. Let me make you happy. Let me love you.”
36
Vivien
My tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth when I wake up in one of our spare bedrooms with Dillon draped around me from behind. Flashbacks of last night float across my mind, and I softly groan. I know I said a lot of stuff to him. As I examine my recollection and remember the things I said, I can’t find it within me to regret any of it.
I forced myself to go into the nursery last night because it is time to remodel it. However, I wasn’t prepared enough for the onslaught of emotions that hit me the instant I set foot in the room, and I came apart at the seams.
I think I needed to expel those emotions I was denying in order to turn a corner. Today, it feels like I have. As if a layer of pain has lifted from my body. I’m not saying I won’t continue to grieve, because I know it’s not as simple as that, but it’s going to be different from now on.
Turning slowly around, I stare at the man sleeping beside me. When I fell asleep on him, he must have carried me in here. I’m glad he didn’t take me to my bedroom because I couldn’t sleep in my marital bed with Dillon without surrendering to enormous guilt. And I’m done feeling guilty for loving this man. Dillon is such an enigma, but he’s really come through for me these past few months, and I can’t deny my feelings for him any longer.
I love him.
I have loved him for years.
I don’t know where we go from here, because I’m not ready to go full speed into a relationship, but he deserves honesty from me. I’ve kept him dangling from his fingertips, and it’s not fair.
Reluctantly, I extract myself from his loving embrace, my heart melting when I find the pain meds and a bottle of water by the bed. He takes such good care of me. Just like Reeve did. I chug them down and get up, dragging my hungover ass into the shower.
After I’m dressed and feeling slightly more alive, I pad back to the bedroom to discover Dillon sitting up in bed. He’s on his phone and he hasn’t noticed me yet, so I take a moment to admire the fine sight of his semi-naked physique.
Broad tan shoulders give way to a toned chest and ripped abs. Ink covers both arms and one shoulder, and he truly is a work of art. With his messy white-blond hair and the stylish layer of stubble on his chin and cheeks, he could grace the cover of any magazine, and it would sell out in seconds.
“Done drooling yet?” he asks, not lifting his head from his phone, and I hear the smile in his tone.
“What has you so engrossed you can’t even look at me?”
His head jerks up, and he pins me with that panty-melting smile of his. I have a hard time keeping upright. “I’m researching how to buy swans.”
My mouth hangs open. “I thought you were joking!”
“Nah. I’m deadly serious. I’m getting us a lake and swans.”
He’s just stubborn enough to do it too. Dillon flashes me his famous grin again, the one that has his female fans fanning themselves, and his dimples come out to play.
That’s it.
I’m a goner.
The dimples get me every time.
As if on autopilot, I walk across the room to the bed, climbing up beside him. “Hi.” I smile shyly at him as a sudden bout of nerves attacks me.
“You’re too cute for words.” His fingers sweep across my cheeks. “I have missed this blush.”
“Don’t tease me right now. I have things I need to say.”
His smile explodes across his face, and I lose all semblance of coherence. I stare at him in a daze. “You are too beautiful for words,” I admit.
“If that’s true, my beauty pales in comparison to yours. The instant you step into a room, I’m enchanted, Viv. You do the most amazing things to my heart.” He fights a smirk. “My cock too.” He winks, and I roll my eyes.
“You just can’t help yourself, can you?”
“Not around you.” He opens his arms. “Come here. I need to hold you.”
I don’t argue, snuggling against him and sighing contentedly. We fit perfectly, like we were crafted to seamlessly mold together as one.
“How much of last night do you remember?” he asks, tracing his fingers up and down my arm.
“All of it, I think.”
“You said you loved me.”
I tilt my head up, so I’m staring into his eyes. “I meant it. I love you, Dillon.” I cup his cheek. “And I want to let you love me, but you’ll have to continue to be patient.”
“I can do that, but you have to set boundaries because my need for you is at an all-time high.”
“Last night was a catharsis of sorts for me. My own ‘come to Jesus’ moment. I don’t feel sad today. I feel more at peace than any other time since they died, and I want to move forward.” My eyes penetrate his. “I want to move forward with you.”
“Thank fuck.” He bundles me in his arms, hugging me tight. Warmth from his skin rolls over me, heating all the frozen parts.
“I can’t promise I won’t have bad days. Days where I miss Reeve are a given because I can’t just forget about him or not remember how much we meant to each other.”
“I get that, and it’s fine. All I ask is that you don’t shut me out. Tell me you’re missing him. I would rather hear it from your lips than guess why you’re upset or noncommunicative or distant.”
“I’ll be honest; even if I don’t want to hurt you, I promise I’ll always tell you the truth.”
He lifts my hand to his mouth, kissing my fingers. “I promise you the same. We will never keep secrets from one another again.”
“Agreed.”
“What else?”
“We need to be discreet around Easton. It’s not that I want to hide us from him, but it will confuse him. We can’t tell him yet.” I hate the thought of sneaking around behind my son’s back, but it’s only been four months since his daddy died. I don’t know how he’ll react if he sees me kissing another man. Especially his uncle. It could lead to other questions we can’t answer yet.
“I hate having to agree, but it’s the way it’s got to be. For now.”