Telling him would be the easiest thing. I could just admit it right here, let him help me fix it, and it would be no harm no foul, but the words are stuck in my throat.
“It is, but he saw me and had questions.”
Westin’s eyes narrow and he sighs. “I heard part of your fight.”
Chapter 19
My entire body locks. There’s no way out of this, and I’m partially relieved. I’m in over my head and Westin will know what to do.
I open my mouth, but he puts his hand up. “Not now, Ren. We’re both exhausted, fought earlier today, and I need a shower. That surgery was intense and I don’t know if I even want to know what that was.”
The look on his face stops me from fighting back. I’ve seen him tired, beaten down, defeated, and he’s all of those right now.
“Did the surgery go well?” I ask.
“No.”
I wrap my arms around him and try to offer a little comfort. “Is the patient all right?”
He pulls back a little, but takes my hands in his. “I’ll know more if he makes it through the night.”
Those cases are the worst. You have to hope that everything you did will be enough. “Do you want to be alone?” I ask, unsure of where we stand.
I don’t know how much he heard, but it’s clear he’s upset about whatever he knows. He has every right to be. I told him we’d move forward, and it feels like I’m being pulled into the past instead.
His eyes close, but he shakes his head. “No.”
“Wes,” I say quickly. “What you heard . . .”
“I don’t want to know.” He drops my hands. “At this point, I overheard something out of context, but if you actually tell me something, I have to report it, do you understand?”
I nod. He’s asking me to keep this from him, to protect him and in turn, protect myself. I don’t deserve him or his protection. This could cost us both everything.
My work phone pings, and the message states that I need to return due to a patient complication. “Shit,” I grumble. “I have to go, something’s wrong with a patient. Are we okay?”
“We’re good. Go, I’ll be at my place if you want to come by after.”
I doubt we’re good, but I’m not going to push him, either. “Okay, I’m . . .” Sorry is what I want to say, but he takes my face in his hands.
“Just be mine, Ren. That’s all I’m asking. I’m sorry I was a dick earlier. I’m just . . . it’s you, okay? It’s you I want and it’s you I need.”
My lungs ache and I feel as though I could sob right here. Westin’s hands fall as I struggle internally. I want to scream out that I am his, but I don’t. I should tell him that whatever he’s doubting, he shouldn’t, because I know he’s who I want. I should say so much but my voice is gone.
Instead, he leans in, presses his lips to mine and then drops his hands.
I’m a fool.
A stupid idiot.
“I’ll be over as soon as I get things fixed, and we can talk then.”
Westin’s face falls at the words I do manage to say. His mask goes up, the same one I wear when I’m done showing emotion, and he gives a fake smile. “Do what you have to do Serenity, but don’t be stupid.”
I have no idea what that means. Did he hear the part about the trial medication? Does he know what Bryce asked me to do?
Why can’t I just go back a few weeks and have never accepted Allison Brown into my damn trial?
None of this would be happening.
He pushes the hair back from my face. “Go.”
I’m only two blocks from the hospital and make it there in no time. On my walk over, I didn’t allow myself to think about the colossal mess my life is. The things that Bryce and I said don’t matter right now, a patient needs me.
The hall feels longer than ever as I make my way to the nurses’ station. “Martina,” I call her name.
“Oh, Ren, it’s Mrs. Whitley,” she explains with sadness in her eyes.
No. No. Not today. Please, I’m not strong enough to handle this today.
“How bad?” I ask.
Her face says it all. It’s bad, and I won’t be able to do anything. “She’s asking for you.”
I replace my jacket with my white coat, slipping into doctor mode. I won’t get through this any other way. She’s the bright spot in my dark days, and I’m going to lose her today.
The beeping from the monitor is the only sound in the room. I make my way to her bedside, and take her hand in mine, relieving the nurse who is here. Mrs. Whitley doesn’t stir and the sound of her labored breathing makes my throat constrict. Just a few hours ago she was getting stronger, and now . . . she’s dying.
“I’m here, Mrs. Whitley. You’re not alone.” I push her white hair back with a sad smile. She told me once how she didn’t want to die in a room with no one who loved her. I promised I’d be beside her. I just wish it wasn’t happening at all. If she were well, I would tell her about my plight, and wait for the guidance she’d give. She was like a mother to me in some ways, always looking out for me.
“I meant to come by more often. You were doing better and I planned to come tomorrow to tell you everything. God, my heart right now is brimming and I have a lot to say and maybe you can help.”
She opens her eyes just barely. “Serenity.”
My name. I’ll miss hearing her say it. “I’m here.”
“Tell me what’s wrong.”
I close my eyes, my head dropping to our entwined hands, which rest on the bed. “The man I’ve told you about—the one I loved when I was young—he came back. He’s asking me to do something that I should never even consider, but my head won’t stop spinning. I’m not this girl. This weak woman who would do something so stupid for a man, but why do I want to?” I ask, as she lies here, allowing me my confession. “Love makes you stupid, but why would I even think about hurting myself to give him what he wants? What would you do if it was Leo? Would you sacrifice your own dreams if you knew it would be what made him happy? Isn’t that what love is? Would you risk everything for Leo even if you knew he wasn’t the one for you anymore?” I glance at her and she smiles a little.
“Yes,” she croaks.
“Leo loved you with his whole heart,” I tell her. Her lips turn slightly at the sound of his name. “Leo is waiting for you, isn’t he?” Once again, her mouth moves.
He’s what’s giving her peace right now.
“I remember the story you told me about him.” I rub her hand as tears fill my eyes.
When my mother passed away, it was the story of my father that she heard as she took her last breath. My brother and I stood on each side of her, recalling their love story. I hope this will give my friend the same peace.
“There was once a beautiful woman who was walking down the street, heading to the market. She was minding her own business, focused only on her task, when a handsome soldier bumped into her, causing her purse to fall to the ground and spill all its contents.” Mrs. Whitley sighs and I fight back tears. “Staff Sergeant Whitley was the most handsome man she’d ever seen. He smiled at her and had kind eyes. Immediately, he dropped to his knees, and helped collect all her belongings. When their hands touched, it was as if she’d been burned.”