Chapter 29
I sit on the cold, dirty floor outside Westin’s apartment. I spent twenty minutes debating whether or not I should go in. I have a key, but then I thought better of it. Westin and I are over, and I promised myself from this point forward, I’m going to remember who I was before I lost my damn mind. Respect and honesty are at my core, and I’m not going to breach that trust.
It’s been over an hour now, but I couldn’t exactly call him. So, I wait.
And wait.
I think about all the things we’ve shared. The first time he brought me back to his apartment, and how we laughed despite the days we had. Westin was able to transport me to a place outside my past without me even knowing it.
“What are you doing here?” his deep voice fills the hallway while he stands in front of me.
I stand, and my nerves go crazy. I’m not sure if it’s a mistake that I came here, but I wanted to talk to him about my plan, and also find out what the hell is going on regarding my father.
“I came to talk to you.”
He sighs. “I don’t have anything to say.”
“I know,” I say quickly. “I don’t blame you, but I’d like it if you could just listen. I’d appreciate it. Just a few minutes, Wes, that’s all I’m asking for.”
My heart races as he stares me down. I plead with my eyes and then I see the answer I was hoping for in his. He’s going to give me a chance—reluctantly, but it’s something.
Westin unlocks the door and holds it open for me. It’s only been a few days since I’ve seen him, but he looks different. His eyes are tired and his facial hair has grown out more. I try not to focus on how good it is to see him and how much it’s killing me to stay away, but I need to focus.
“So?” Westin pushes.
“Right. Sorry.” I release a deep breath. “My father said that you came by, and . . .”
“I didn’t turn you in,” he says quickly. “If you’re here to beg, save it, I haven’t and I’m not sure if I can. I guess that’s the funny thing about loving someone. It doesn’t go away that easily.”
Well, that’s unexpected. I wasn’t sure if he would. Honestly, I don’t know why he didn’t, but that’s neither here nor there. “I’m planning to confess everything,” I tell him.
“You’re what?”
“I’m going to admit to what I’ve done, and face whatever comes.” He opens his mouth, but I keep going before a word can be said. If I don’t get this out now, I have no idea if I’ll be able to later. “I did this on my own, and I won’t let you or anyone else have any disciplinary action brought against them. More than that, it’s the right thing to do, and it’s what I should’ve done from the beginning,” I sigh. “It’s what I would’ve done a month ago. No, that’s not even true, I wouldn’t have done it.”
“Ren,” he starts.
Westin was absolutely right when he said he didn’t know who I was, because I’m not that person. “No, please don’t say anything, just listen,” I say and continue before he can answer. “I lost myself when Mrs. Whitley died. I don’t know what it was, but I felt as though I’d lost my mother all over again. It broke me in a very real way. My life spun so far out of control and I couldn’t right the car, no matter how hard I tried. I did try to tell you, so many times, but then you asked me to stop and so I thought maybe I should protect you instead.”
“I had no idea that’s what it was. I thought,” he runs his hand down his face. “I don’t fucking know, but not that you altered the trial.”
“I know. But I did, and I’m going to have to pay the price.”
“You’re sure?” Westin asks.
“Yes. I’m sure. I can’t live with this and I can’t ask you to lie, either. Not for me, not when it’s not who you are. You’re a good doctor who cares, and who prides himself on integrity, Westin, and I won’t make you someone else. That’s not fair. That’s not what love means.”
I stop talking, trying to get my heart to settle, but it’s beating so loud I worry I’ll pass out. Being open and honest isn’t my thing. I’ve spent so many years mastering being closed off that being vulnerable is terrifying. However, this may be the last time I ever talk to Westin like this and I won’t waste it. He needs to know how I feel, and how sorry I am for hurting him.
“The thing is, Wes.” I take a step closer. “I fell in love with you at the same time my entire life imploded. You don’t have to believe me, and I don’t blame you, but I do love you,” my voice cracks.
I turn around quickly so he doesn’t see the tears that form in my eyes. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I’ve done enough of that and it’s time to put the pieces back together.
“I know you think what I did is because of Bryce,” I continue on. “A long time ago I would’ve done anything for him, but me changing the medications was about me. For years, I’ve been closed off to feeling, I thought it made me a better doctor. If I didn’t love, then loss wouldn’t break me, and that bled into our relationship.” I look back at him. “If I felt nothing but friendship, when you left, I wouldn’t fall apart. I was starting to let my walls down with you, and then Bryce came back, sending them to the ground.”
“Ren,” he tries to stop me.
“It wasn’t about him, it was about fourteen years of grief, anger, resentment, and loss, all coming to the forefront at once. I never dealt with my mother’s death, I just took care of people, fixing them because it was the only thing I could do. There’s no excuse. It was so wrong, stupid, and what I’m the sorriest for,” I step closer to him, needing him to hear me, “is that I lost you in the process. My entire life I’ve run away when things hurt too much. I didn’t want to feel love because losing it was worse, but you got to me. I saw that we had this beautiful relationship that meant more to me than I could ever imagine. You found a way so deep into my heart, and even though it hurts like hell now that you’re gone, I don’t regret loving you.”
Westin shakes his head and rubs his eyes. “I don’t know what you want from me.”
“Nothing,” I say without hesitation. “I don’t want or expect anything. I came here so that when I go in there tomorrow, you’ll know what is happening. I don’t want you to be blind-sided—again. You loved me once, and I hope that someday, you find someone worthy of all you have to give.”
All I want is for him to love me, but I had that and threw it away.
“So you’re going to walk through that door tomorrow and ruin your career?” he asks.
“No,” I correct him. “I’m going to make this right.”
He comes closer to me, almost like he can’t stop himself, and my heart races. He had a surgery today, I can smell his cologne mixed with sweat and soap. So many nights we’d stand just like this and the pull I felt then is still here now.
His eyes are trained on me, and I can’t breathe. I can see the conflict swirl, but I’ve known Westin long enough that this is unforgivable to him, and what he’s fighting himself over won’t end in my favor.