We stare at each other—me losing my mind inside but trying to stay calm because I won’t give up hope. Not yet.
“Why are you asking that?” she asks, stunned.
“Shawn. Early twenties. A chocolatier. Goes to culinary school.”
Her pale blue eyes widen as her already-alabaster skin goes pure white. “How do you know him?”
“Is there a chance I’m not Oliver’s father?” I ask much louder than I should.
“Come inside,” she says, her voice cracking.
“Answer me. Now!”
“Are you trying to disturb the whole building?” She peers out to the hallway and grabs my shoulder, bringing me into her apartment. She turns to face me with her hands on her hips. “I don’t need my neighbors hearing our private conversation.”
“This doesn’t have to be private if I’m the father. If I am, you should be shouting it from the rooftops. Every single person should know without a doubt that I’m Oli’s dad. The only reason you wouldn’t want anyone to hear this conversation is if I’m not. So, tell me, Lauryn, am I or am I not the father?”
She closes her eyes, and instead of seeming annoyed by my question, as one would when falsely accused of something, I see hesitation. It’s the type my clients give before they’re about to lie. Or worse, when they’re going to confess.
“I don’t know.”
I feel the air leave my body as my heart plummets down to my stomach. I run a hand through my hair as the other grips the wall. I bend forward, fighting off the sickness threatening to take over.
“You. Don’t. Know?”
“I don’t, all right? My period isn’t regular, so it’s hard to pinpoint the exact time I got pregnant. I was only with him once. Maybe twice. You and I were always together.”
I lift my eyes back up to her. “Did you use protection?”
“Yes.” Her gaze is tilted up toward the ceiling. She’s lying.
“Tell me the truth.”
“I don’t remember. I was really drunk the first time. I would never have cheated if I wasn’t completely under the influence. He’s young. A fling. You and I were fizzling out.”
“You fucking slut,” I spit out, not regretting my words one bit. I know I’m not this type of person. I don’t fight dirty, but this takes things too far.
I watch as my words hit right as they intended. Her eyes redden, and her mouth parts with a gasp. If she hurt me, I plan on hurting her right back.
“That’s not fair,” she says, holding back tears.
“Fair? You do realize that you’ve lied to me for the past five months, saying I’m the father, when there’s a real possibility I’m not!”
She reaches out to touch me, but I push her off of me. When she recoils into herself, I feel slightly better … until I feel worse.
“Why would you not tell both of us that we could possibly be the father? Was it the money? Were you afraid of what the big bosses would say if they found out you’d gotten knocked up by a guy barely in his twenties, who made minimum wage? It sounds so much better to say your high-end lawyer ex-boyfriend is the father.”
“Control your damn ego, Sebastian. Not everything is about how successful you are!”
“Then, explain why you ran to me and not him because trust me when I say, the kid I saw was in shock about what he’d figured out!”
Tears fall from her eyes, but it only fuels me more. She might not know, but I’m like a bull in a china shop if I need to be. I’ll be the most loyal person you’ve ever met in your life, but screw me over, and my dark side comes out in full force. And believe me, you don’t ever want to see the dark side.
“I swear it has nothing to do with money or what my colleagues might think. I wanted you to be the dad because of who you are on the inside. The man I know.”
“You mean, the man you cheated on.”
She lets out a sob and covers her mouth as she nods. “I know you’re a good man. And I’ve seen that every day since I told you I was pregnant. I haven’t wanted a thing from you. Not your money or your status. I just wanted you to be the dad, so my son would have an amazing man for a father. I barely know Shawn.”
“Obviously,” I spit out, and she takes a step back at my reaction.
“How did you find out about him? I don’t even have his number. It was a fling. A horrible mistake.”
“Trust me, I wish I didn’t know him. And from his reaction to all this, you do not want him to be the father.”
“I don’t. Believe me, Sebastian, I know you love Oliver just as much as I do. I can feel deep down in my soul that you’re his dad,” she pleads.
I drop back against the door and tug at my hair, hoping the pain I feel from it will take away the pain in my heart. This isn’t who I want to be. I don’t want to make someone else cry. But I need to know.
“There is nothing in my life that I want more than to be his father.” My voice cracks while I stop the tears threatening to escape. “But we have to know for sure. I can’t go the rest of my life with this question in the back of my head. I will be in Oliver’s life, no matter what. There’s no way I can just walk away now. But we have to find out the truth.”
She nods as she purses her lips, trying to hide the quiver of her bottom lip. “You’re right.”
Tears fall freely from my eyes, and I don’t try to stop them. “I’m going to the nursery to hold him for a while. Please, don’t join us.”
She lets out a sob as I head back to his nursery, needing to hold his tiny body against mine.
When I walk into his room, I hear his movement as he stares at the mobile above his crib. Seeing him breaks my heart even more.
I reach down to pick him up and head over to the rocking chair, where I take a seat and position Oliver where I can see him clearly. Well, as clearly as I can while my eyes keep filling with tears.
I reach for his finger, and he grips on to mine.
“Hey, baby boy.” I choke on my words that I try to get out. “I want you to know that I’ll always be here for you. Even if we find out I’m not your father. I will always look at you like my son. I know you don’t understand me right now, but I promise you, I won’t go anywhere. And if Shawn turns out to be your dad and doesn’t step up like he should, then you don’t need him. I’ll proudly fill his shoes.”
I pause to take a big inhale. One part of me feels like we shouldn’t do the test. I want to be his father, and that’s all that matters. But the other part of me feels like Shawn needs to know. Even if he’s freaked out now, later, he’ll want to know who his kid is, and Oliver deserves to know who his biological father is even if finding out in the process kills me inside.
I owe it to him.
For now though, I’ll hold on to him as much as I can and enjoy these moments that I might never get back.
My contact at the hospital was able to get us an appointment for a paternity test. I brought Oliver and myself, and together, we had our blood drawn. I held him in my arms, steadying him as a nurse kept his arm restrained while another inserted the needle. It pained me to see his cries at the poke that he shouldn’t have needed to receive. When it was over, I stood quickly, tucked him against my chest, and rocked him to a lullaby my mother had taught me as a child.