I only had a short window before I had to bring him back to his mother for his feeding, so we took a walk in his stroller as he went to sleep.
When I finally brought him home, I stayed well past when I had told myself I’d stay. Leaving him just wasn’t something I was capable of.
Getting Shawn to the hospital hasn’t been as easy. I only need my blood to prove my own paternity, but every man needs to take responsibility for his actions, and since there’s a chance he could have fathered Oliver, he has to do his part.
I don’t want to have to go to Amy’s shop to track him down either. We haven’t spoken since I walked out of her place. My behavior that night is something I’m growing more ashamed of every day. While her willingness to accept Oliver is still something I question, I now know her concern over Shawn’s story was just. My heart and mind are at war with each other, but I can only deal with one thing at a time, and right now, Oliver has my full attention.
Shawn has refused my requests for a sample, but when I’m finally able to get ahold of him, I explain I can get a court order to do so. He caves, and thankfully, he’s on his way to my office now because, apparently, hospitals freak him the fuck out.
When he arrives, Miles escorts him into the conference room, where a phlebotomist is waiting for him. I stand on the outside of the door, watching to make sure it’s done properly even though I know the company I hired is reputable and it’s not necessary for me to oversee.
After the test is done, the woman administering it leaves, but Shawn stays in his seat, looking up at me.
I stare at him, waiting for him to say something.
When he finally scoots back in his chair and stands, he states, “A cheek swab would have been easier.”
“If a newborn can do it, so can a grown man.”
There’s a sarcastic huff that comes out of his mouth. “I suppose I have been acting like an ass lately. This whole baby thing just got me freaked.”
Folding my arms across my chest, I level my eyes with him as he shifts from side to side.
Shawn fidgets with his hand in his jeans pocket, and his other moves as he talks, “I didn’t know Lauryn had a boyfriend when we hooked up. I found out after. There was no disrespect on my part, honest.”
I let out a bemoaned sigh. “If you’re worried about me kicking your ass, you have nothing to worry about. Unless Oliver turns out to be yours and you cross him, then I’ll cock you in the jaw.”
“Aren’t lawyers not supposed to make threats?”
I balk at his nervous joke. “I’m not saying that as an attorney. I’m stating that as a man.”
His mouth frowns as he nods, his eyes looking at the floor. He scratches his head. “I wouldn’t know about any of that. My old man died when I was five. Car accident. It’s been messing with my head ever since. Got into a lot of trouble over the years, taking my anger out on everything else. Now, here I am, doing exactly what he’d least be proud of. Panicking. Running. Being a damn baby.”
In all my years as a defender, I’ve come across more cases that start and end with parental issues. Who we are as adults is greatly shaped by our parents, all in different ways. A man without a father is probably the greatest tragedy. I didn’t know Shawn was without one. It doesn’t excuse his actions, but it brings clarity.
“You’re here now, so whatever the outcome, let this be a wake-up call. A man is not defined by his upbringing or his bank account. His greatest currency is his ability to love, to be loved, and to rise when the world is bringing him down.”
He gives a half-smile. “That’s good. Is it from some philosopher you learned about in college?”
I give my own half-smile. “Better than that. I learned it from my father.”
There’s a stillness in the room as Shawn nods and seems to take in the sentiment.
I turn to leave, but Shawn speaks, “Why aren’t you talking to Amy?”
Out of all the questions running through my head right now, him asking that is the most trivial.
“I don’t think that’s any of your business,” I state with my arms crossed.
“Look,” he says as he steps toward me, but I don’t move out of the exit, “none of this is her fault. You shouldn’t be punishing her. I came to her when I found out. It’s not like she was searching for something to ruin what you had going. She truly cares about you. I saw the way she was with Hardin. She thought she loved that guy, but she’s never been as happy as she is with you.”
“Thanks for your concern, but I don’t need to justify anything to you. I just needed your DNA, so you can leave now.” I step out of the way, allowing him to exit my conference room.
“She’s miserable, man. Absolutely torn up. I’ve never seen her this shaken. She won’t eat, I can tell she’s not sleeping, and believe me when I say, she’s ripped into me multiple times about how I’m behaving. She prays. I’ve walked in on her twice as she begs God that Oliver is yours. I feel the same way, too, and not just because I’m scared shitless to be a dad, but also because of how she talks about you. How great a man you are. How happy you are to have a son. You deserve for Oliver to be yours. You’re going to be an amazing dad. I don’t know if I have it in me. Not yet.”
Thoughts of Amy in despair tug at my heart. I rub my chest and fight the stabbing pain that sits there as I think about her crying, not eating, praying.
I swallow those emotions down and square my shoulders. “Well, if Oliver is yours, then I’ll do everything to make sure you’re a part of his life. That boy deserves a father. He just might end up with two.”
These past few days have been the longest ones of my life as I wait for the results of the paternity test.
I’ve tried to stay away, but here I am, knocking on Lauryn’s door, wanting nothing more than to see my son. And that’s how I’m looking at it. He is my son, and until someone tells me differently, I’m not going to stop feeling like he’s mine.
When she opens the door with him in her arms, I instantly reach out, asking to hold him. She hands him over with a smile on her face. Tensions were high between us at first, but the love of this little boy has trumped our personal feelings for the moment.
I enter her apartment and head to the living room, where I can get more comfortable and enjoy my son to the fullest.
“Can I get you something to drink?” she asks, already walking to the kitchen and opening up the refrigerator.
“I’d love some water, thank you,” I say, smiling down on baby Oli.
He’s truly the handsomest baby I’ve ever seen. His eyes are starting to change from the blue they once were to a more hazel green. His tiny nose is so cute, and all I want to do is kiss it. When his little fingers grip around mine, my heart melts like it’s the first time I’m seeing him all over again.
When Lauryn brings me my water, she sets it down on the table next to me and then takes a seat in the recliner off to the side.
“I love the way he looks up at you when you hold him,” she says.
I don’t know what to say in return, so I just grin and keep my attention on him. It’s hard to not be here, but it’s even harder to think that in just twenty-four hours, my life will change forever, and I’ll know if he’s truly Shawn’s or mine.