His nostrils flared, but it was the anguish in his eyes that made her feel sick. “I told you I just needed to process what you’d said, and I did. Why are you doing this?”
“Because I don’t want to spin around in a year and realize I’ve ruined your life,” she shouted. She hadn’t meant to take it this far, hadn’t even known she was that scared about everything that had happened and had been said. But now her painful realities were out there. They were knee-deep in them, and she was sinking fast.
He took her face between his hands, his eyes boring so deeply into her, she could feel him weeding through her thoughts, picking up the hopeful ones and running with them, barreling over the bad ones, refusing to let them stand. “The only way you’ll ruin my life is if you’re not in it. Running scared isn’t going to change that. We can figure this out. I know you love me as much as I love you. I can feel it. I can see it in your eyes.”
She gulped air into her lungs, salty tears slipping between her lips. “I do love you, more than anything.”
“Then don’t push me away.”
“I have to. You can’t stop living your life because of my epilepsy. You have to go.”
“Baby, please. You just had a seizure and cracked your head open. You’re asking too much of me. Too much of us.”
Trembling, she choked out, “If I don’t, who will?”
“Amber, what is this? Are you trying to break up with me or just get me to finish my tour?”
The worry in his voice shattered her heart into a million painful pieces. But she couldn’t be the chains that held him back. “I thought it was just the tour, but now I don’t know, and we don’t have time to figure it out right now.” She had to be strong, despite the torrent of sadness between them. “You have to go or you’ll miss your flight. We’ll talk when I’m better, when you’re back.” She went up on her toes and kissed him, her salty tears slipping between their lips. “Goodbye, Dash. I love you.”
It took everything she had to walk inside the house. The door clicked shut as her sobs broke free, and through the blur of tears she saw her family rushing toward her.
Chapter Twenty-Two
AMBER WATCHED THE time change from midnight to 12:01 and pulled the collar of Dash’s sweatshirt she was wearing up over her nose, breathing in his scent, sadness taking over again. She’d been drifting in and out of sleep and in and out of tears all night, reaching for the phone to call Dash, then thinking better of it. Everything hurt. Especially her heart.
She heard the bedroom door open and lay still, pretending to be asleep. Her sisters hadn’t wanted to leave, but eventually she’d convinced them to go. Her parents had stayed, and they’d been checking on her all evening, peeking into her bedroom, whispering to each other, then heading back down the hall.
She felt the mattress dip beside her, her father’s aftershave seeping in.
“Hey, princess,” he whispered, petting Reno. “I know you’re awake.”
She rolled over, wincing with pain. “How did you know?”
“I saw the covers move over your feet. Ever since you were a little girl, when you’d pretend to be asleep, you’d close your eyes and your toes would curl under.”
“I forgot I did that.”
He brushed her hair away from her eyes. “I noticed earlier, but I had to wait for your mother to fall asleep, because she’d never approve of what we’re about to do.”
“What’s that?”
He set her sweatpants and sweatshirt on the bed. “It’s a little cold outside, but I think we could both use a little moonlight magic.”
“Thanks, but I just want to lie here and feel sorry for myself.”
“I think that MRI was wrong. That fall must have knocked something loose, because my princess has never wallowed in self-pity a day in her life.”
“Maybe I have but you didn’t know about it.”
He shook his head. “A father knows these things. You’ve been bummed, but you’ve never wallowed. You’re a fixer, darlin’. When something bothers you, you find a way around it.”
“If I was ever a fixer, I sure suck at it now.” She sat up. “I ruined my relationship with Dash.”
“Maybe,” he said casually.
“Daddy,” she snapped. “Aren’t you supposed to make me feel better?”
“I don’t know. Am I? I can’t think in here. All your wallowing is clouding my brain.”
“Way to kick a girl when she’s down.”
“I’m not kicking you, princess. I love you, and I know you’re hurting. But I also know my girl, and I think we need to get you outside and set some of that pain free.” He pushed to his feet. “I’ll be waiting out front if you want to join me for a stroll, but please don’t wake your mother. She’ll lecture me for not letting you pretend to sleep.”
She smiled at that. Getting up was the last thing she wanted to do, but she knew he was right. She’d slept for hours in the car, and she wasn’t doing much sleeping now. A little fresh air would probably do her good. She got up and dressed in the clean clothes he’d brought her, pulling Dash’s sweatshirt over her own. She didn’t care that she probably looked like the Pillsbury Doughboy. She pulled on socks and shoved her feet into her most comfortable cowgirl boots, remembering they were the boots she’d worn the first time she’d met Dash. Another wave of grief hit her as she and Reno made their way quietly out the front door. The cold air stung her cheeks, and she covered them with her hands.
Her father turned, concern hovering in his sharp blue eyes. He was wearing the same tan jacket with a brown corduroy collar he’d worn forever, and it brought a dose of comfort. “I’m glad you came. I wasn’t looking forward to walking alone tonight. Are you going to be warm enough?”
She nodded and lifted the bottom of Dash’s sweatshirt, showing him the one beneath. They descended the porch steps, and she took his arm as they made their way down the quiet street. All the houses were dark, the streetlights illuminating their path.
“Do you want to talk about what’s going on with you and Dash?” her father asked carefully.
“I don’t know. I can’t figure out if I messed up or did the right thing.”
“About…?”
“Everything. He didn’t want to leave, and I made him go finish his tour. I said things I don’t know if I should have said.”
“We all say things we don’t mean sometimes.” They turned the corner, and he was quiet for a minute before asking, “The seizure aside, did you have a good time in New York?”
“Yes. The best time. I loved his family and his friends, and we had a great time in the city, and the fundraiser was incredible. But my seizure was a wake-up call, reminding me that I’m not like everyone else. I can’t just pick up and go and do everything I want. I have limitations.”
“Darlin’, you put those limitations on yourself.”
“That’s not true. I tried to throw caution to the wind and let myself have fun like a regular girl, and I had two seizures in two weeks after not having them for years.”