I’d told myself I was keeping him from killing himself, and maybe I had been, but I couldn’t watch over him twenty-four-seven. At some point, something had to give, and maybe that something was me. Noah didn’t have any qualms about Declan and the band paying for his second stint in rehab, so why did it bother me so much? And when I’d spoken to Kiki earlier, she’d been relieved that Noah was going to get the help he needed.
I picked up the phone and called her.
“Hey.” She sounded happier than I felt.
“Whatcha doin’?”
“Laundry. You?”
“I don’t know how to do laundry here at Declan’s…usually Fiona does it.”
“Well, I’m sure she’ll do it tomorrow when she comes. She’s there on Tuesdays, right?”
“We broke up,” I whispered, bursting into tears again.
“Okay, I’m coming over,” she said, disconnecting.
I was crying too hard to tell her not to. I had another good cry and finally talked myself off the ledge by the time she got there. She had a plastic grocery bag with her and immediately went into the kitchen to put something in the freezer. Then she turned and gave me a big hug, holding me tightly.
“You wanna talk?” she asked softly. “Or do we wait for the ice cream to harden?”
“Whatever you want.”
“Come on.” She tugged me into the living room and we sat on the couch.
“How come you didn’t tell me you were pregnant?” I asked her, sniffling some more.
“Because I knew you wouldn’t approve,” she said simply.
I stared at her. “But we’re besties. I thought we told each other everything.”
“Unless it has to do with Noah.” She handed me a tissue. “You’re the best friend a girl could ask for, except when it comes to your brother. Just like I couldn’t tell you I had feelings for him before he started working for Marla. We had a thing when he first got out of rehab, but I didn’t like sneaking around and we both knew you’d hate it, so we decided it wasn’t worth it.”
“You…” There were no words for the embarrassment I felt. Kiki was my best friend in the world, and she’d been afraid to tell me about her relationship with Noah? Now I felt even worse.
“I’m sorry,” I said finally. “I’ve been a shitty friend.”
“No. You’re a wonderful friend. You’re just wound pretty tight when it comes to your family, and I get it. But now…” She looked down at her stomach, which I just now realized was no longer flat.
“Now you have a family of your own.”
“Bri, you’re my family too. Having a baby, and hopefully a husband too, doesn’t change anything. But you have to learn to let go, honey. You can’t save everyone, especially not Noah and your parents.”
“Doesn’t it scare you?” I whispered.
“It terrifies me. But this is what I signed up for. I love him and he loves me. It won’t be easy, but good things usually aren’t. I’d rather work hard to have a man who worships me than marry some guy who doesn’t give a shit and barely pays attention. You know?”
“How are you going to work while you’re pregnant?” I asked, reaching for her hand.
“I feel fine. I’m almost through the first trimester now so—”
“You’re already thirteen weeks?”
“Twelve, so hopefully I’ll have more energy soon and I can cut back shifts if I have to.”
“I’ll move back in,” I said quickly. “That way I can help and—”
“Bri.” She took my hands in hers. “You haven’t told me what happened with you and Bash yet, but you live here now. You can’t worry about me all the time. I’ve got plenty of money put away for maternity leave, and hopefully Noah will be working before the baby comes. We’re going to be fine. You have to worry about you.”
“I don’t know how to do that,” I admitted, tears pooling in my eyes again.
“It’s time to learn then.”
“I don’t know what to do! I fucked everything up with Declan and now we’re on a break and I don’t know what that means…” I started crying so hard I probably wasn’t making any sense, but Kiki just put her arms around me and held on.
“It’s going to be okay,” she said softly. “One way or another, things are going to work out. You’ll see.”
“I don’t know how to make him forgive me. I don’t even know what I said that upset him so much. I mean, I blamed him for Noah’s overdose but he has to know I was freaking out and I didn’t mean it.”
“What else did you say?”
“I don’t remember. Something about me needing to take care of Noah because I was his family and he wasn’t—” I abruptly stopped talking. “Oh my fucking god. I told him we weren’t family. Not him and Noah, and not me and him either. Oh fuck-fuck-fuck.”
“What?” Kiki looked confused.
“Declan doesn’t have a family anymore, so his band, his friends—those are the people he chose to be his family. He included Noah in that group and I shot him down, telling him I was Noah’s family, not him. I didn’t mean it. Noah still hadn’t woken up and I was so afraid he was going to die, I barely remembered what I’d said until just now.”
“Oh, honey.” Kiki shook her head. “You need to talk to him. Explain that you didn’t mean it that way.”
“He doesn’t want to talk to me. He said maybe in a few weeks…”
“Okay, so give him a little space and he’ll come around.”
“This is such a mess.” I rested my chin in my hands. “I’m such a mess.”
“You’re not a mess. You’re a control freak but it’s understandable considering how you grew up. And Declan knows that. You’ll see. It’s going to be okay. He just needs to wrap his head around it.”
I wanted to believe her, but the look in Declan’s eyes when I’d been leaving had been vacant. He’d never looked at me with so much apathy before. Not even the day we’d first met.
“How can you be so calm?” I asked. “I’m not even pregnant and I’m freaking out about everything.”
“That’s your MO,” she said with a gentle smile. “You freak out, worry about everything, and then bust your ass to make sure it never happens again. I mostly go with the flow. I was a little freaked out when I found out I was pregnant, but I’m a realist. Me and the baby are going to be fine, with or without Noah. I want him in our lives, and I love him so much it hurts, but I can’t make the decision whether or not the baby and I are enough for him to get clean. And after the way he reacted, maybe I’m the one that’s a mess. Maybe I’m the one living in a fantasyland and Noah is never going to step up to the plate. But if that happens, I’m strong and healthy. I’ll work twelve jobs to make sure this baby has everything he or she needs. And anyway, Auntie Bri will never let anything happen. To either of us. She’s the strongest, baddest bitch I know.”
Tears gathered in my eyes again, but they were happy tears this time, because her words touched me.