“You’ll never be alone,” I said.
“And I never have been, since the day we met.”
“So why am I the one who’s so scared?” I asked in confusion. “If anyone should be scared, it’s you.”
“Oh, I’m scared, but I don’t have a choice. I will get up every day and do what I have to do for myself, for Noah, and for our baby. I learned that from you. So now I’m giving you a taste of your own medicine. Chin up. We got this.”
I wanted so much to believe her.
32
Bash
* * *
We played back-to-back shows in Phoenix and Santa Fe before heading to Texas. We had a busy week with six shows, which was more than usual, but Onyx Knight had jam-packed the extension of the tour because they’d missed so many cities the first time around and almost all the shows we’d done together had been sold out.
Normally, I didn’t like having so many shows in one week, but the timing was perfect because I’d been fucking miserable since Bri had left. Everything was different with both her and Noah gone, and though she hadn’t been on tour with us, her presence in my life had kept me centered. Now I felt adrift. Without her, nothing had as much meaning and it didn’t make a lot of sense since I’d been the one who needed a break. I had a lot of second thoughts now, and though I did my best to hide it, my friends knew me well and everyone was going out of their way to spend time with me and keep me distracted.
Or talk some sense into me.
“You should talk to her,” Tyler told me for what had to be the tenth time.
We were at the hotel gym getting in a workout before breakfast and I almost rolled my eyes at him.
“Give it a rest,” I said, hitting the button on the treadmill that increased the speed.
“Why? You’ve been miserable since you broke things off.”
“We’re taking a break,” I muttered.
“Sounds like you two hit your first speed bump, and even though she said some hurtful things, you’re not perfect either, my friend.” He picked up speed too.
“It’s not about being perfect,” I said, trying to keep my breathing steady as I ran and talked at the same time. “It’s about not even understanding that she hurt me. It’s about her letting me know that I’m nothing to her, not when it comes to her biological family or some shit.”
“She was upset. She was scared.” Tyler slowed down a little, catching his breath. “It’s not like she told you she didn’t love you.”
I grimaced. “No, but she didn’t say she did. And when she apologized, it felt forced, like she was only doing it because I expected it.”
“You know, after that whole thing with Jayson, I think you have a chip on your shoulder.” Tyler glanced at me. “And I get it. You didn’t grow up with much of a family, so your chosen family is important to you, but she doesn’t have much of a family either. And I’m willing to bet she’s as miserable as you are. Maybe even more.” He slowed to a walk and reached for the handrail.
“You okay?” I asked him. He looked a little pale.
“I’m tired,” he said. “I’m not sleeping well this tour, and I haven’t been working out. I need to be more diligent about taking care of myself.”
“Why don’t you get some water?”
“I’m good.” Tyler was walking steadily now. “Anyway, this is about you, not me.”
“Fuck off.” I laughed, shaking my head at him.
“You’re not even going to call her?”
“I am. She texted me a little while ago asking if she and Kiki can stay at the condo because exterminators are bombing their building or something—Ty?” He was lilting to the side, looking really odd. “Ty!”
He started to go down, as if one leg had just collapsed beneath him and I jumped from my treadmill to his to catch him.
“What’s going on?” I asked quickly.
“Something…wrong…” His face looked funny as he stared at me. “Call…911.” His eyes closed and I practically vaulted over the machine to get to my phone.
“Ty!” My fingers shook as I dialed the numbers. “Ty, wake up!”
“911—what is your emergency?”
I couldn’t remember what I said, but I was holding Ty’s head in my lap, trying to figure out if he was breathing, if he’d just had a heart attack, or what. I managed to text Lance and within a couple of minutes we were surrounded. The band, hotel staff, and finally the paramedics, all arrived swiftly, and I watched helplessly as they put Tyler on a gurney and wheeled him out of the room.
It was like déjà vu, the whole group of us piling into two taxis that had been outside the hotel and telling the drivers to follow the ambulance.
“You’re losing them!” I yelled when we stopped at a red light.
The driver met my gaze in the rearview mirror. “The light’s red, mister. Relax. I know where they’re going.”
“Then fucking go!”
“Bash.” Lexi put a gentle hand on my arm. “Hey. It’s not his fault.”
“Fuck.” My fists were clenched in my lap as I watched the ambulance disappear around the corner. I’d never been as scared as I’d been when I watched him go down. My strong, athletic, partner-in-crime who was always the life of the party, the unofficial leader of the band, and someone I’d been able to count on for the last twelve years. I couldn’t imagine my life without him and it took all my self-control not to scream at the driver to step on it.
He’d barely pulled up to the emergency room entrance when I threw open the car door and ran out. I practically skidded up to the desk, panting as I asked the nurse where Tyler was.
“Mr. Rabinowicz is being evaluated by the doctors now.” The nurse smiled. “We’ll let you know as soon as we know anything.”
“I have to call his wife.” I whirled around and found Lexi and the others staring. “No news yet,” I told them. “Have any of you called Ariel?”
Lexi shook her head. “Are you going to or should I?”
“I…” I took a breath. “Maybe it’ll be better coming from you. You’re close.”
Lexi nodded and pulled out her phone, even though it was two hours earlier in Vegas than it was here in San Antonio and still early.
“Hey, Ariel…” She started talking in a quiet, soothing voice and I wanted to rip the phone out of her hand and scream for Ariel to get her ass on a plane.
Jesus, I needed to calm down.
I got up and started to pace, hands on my hips, as thoughts and memories flashed through my brain like a DVD in slow motion. The first time Tyler and I played together. The first time we picked up women together. The time Tyler paid the crew of Pretty Harts to hide every single drumstick I owned, just before a sold-out show in Germany. The day Tyler told me he was in love with Ariel Fox, the bipolar pop princess, who wasn’t actually bipolar, who was always in the news. The day, not that long ago, he’d asked me if Brianna was it for me and I’d said yes.
God, I would have done anything to have her here with me now. She was sometimes uptight and always high-strung, but her presence somehow calmed me. It made no sense, but it wasn’t until this moment that I realized how empty my life was without her. I had friends that were like family and a career that most people could only dream about, but loneliness crept in more often than I wanted to admit, especially at a time like this.