"I'm not going to tell anyone, Professor Hunter."
"Then I don't think we have anything to worry about."
"Would you still have pursued me if the university's policy was explicitly against it?"
I’d already started pursuing her before Ian had looked up the university’s policy. I couldn’t stop myself. And if I had looked it up beforehand and it had been against the rules? I doubted I would have stopped. I’d already tried to walk away. I’d tried to tell myself this was wrong. But here I was anyway. "Yes.” I squeezed her hand.
"Even though you could get fired?"
I didn’t need this job. But I loved being a professor. I’d taken a lot of risks in business. It was about figuring out if the risks would pay off. And with Penny, I knew she was worth it. Any time I had with her was worth it. I took a long slow breath. One of the easiest ones I’d ever taken. Yes, she was worth this feeling. "I know that you want this just as much as I do. I believe that my ethics are sound, so no one can make me question them." But I knew it wasn’t that simple. If we got caught, I wasn’t sure if anyone would buy that. This was wrong no matter how right it felt.
We drove in silence for a few minutes.
"What did your startup company do?" she asked.
"Tech."
"What happened to it?"
These were the kind of questions I didn’t want to get into. I just wanted to live in the moment rather than being clouded by my past. "I sold it. But I still have a seat on the board."
"Then why are you teaching?"
"For the same reason I left New York. I needed a change."
"And if it wasn't because of how loud and busy the city was, then what was it? A midlife crisis?"
I laughed. "How old do you think I am, Penny?"
"Actually, I thought you were probably a grad student when I met you in the coffee shop. You can't even believe how shocked I was when I found out you were my Comm professor."
I laughed again. When we met, I’d hoped she was a grad student too. If only life had been so simple. "So take a guess," I said.
"Well, professors have to go to grad school and then get their masters to teach, right?"
"Yes, but I didn't do that. I was busy running a company in my early twenties. They granted me an honorary degree at the last university I worked at if I agreed to teach a few entrepreneurship classes in their master's program. I have the same arrangement here."
"So, maybe you're…29?"
"Close. I'm only 27." It was a relief that she guessed that I was older. It made me believe that the age difference didn’t bother her. She was only six years younger than me. That wasn’t a big deal. In any other situation it wouldn’t be a problem at all. The issue we were facing was solely the fact that I was her professor. And that wasn’t lasting. In a few months, she wouldn’t be in my class anymore.
But she stayed completely silent. Maybe the age difference was a big deal to her. I pulled up outside of her dorm and cut the ignition. "What, you're sad that I'm not older?"
She laughed. "No. No, that's not it. I just..." she paused, searching for the right words.
But I knew exactly what she was thinking. This was going to be hard. She had nothing to worry about though. If our relationship did go public and there was any backlash, I’d take the blame. My life was already fucked up. And I was determined not to fuck hers up too. I leaned in and kissed her. God, her exhales were sweeter than air. "Like I said, you have nothing to worry about."
Chapter 25
Sunday
“So…” Dr. Clark said.
We’d kind of just been staring at each other for a few minutes, waiting for the other person to start talking. I’d almost cancelled today’s session as well because my mind was too foggy. I was worried I’d let something personal slip. And that fear was why I’d made myself come. I was pretty sure I wanted to get the secret that I was fucking a student off my chest. Because I needed help figuring out what to do. Because if I was being honest with myself…it was a whole lot more than fucking.
I shrugged back in response. During our last conversation he hadn’t understood what I was telling him about my lack of self-control around Penny. He’d dismissed it as a non-issue. But he’d been wrong. I thought I’d figured out a way around the issue. To have Penny once. Only once. And then it would be over. But since I’d seen Dr. Clark, I’d fucked Penny twice. I’d bought a freaking country club so we could date and not get caught. I was out of control. Literally. And Dr. Clark had done nothing to prevent it from happening.
“Are you just going to sit there silently for the next 55 minutes?” he asked.
“What would you like to talk about?”
He started flipping through his notebook. “I don’t know, James. We could discuss the fact that you haven’t been sleeping? Or talk about your trust issues?” He flipped a few more pages. “Your lack of communication with your family? Your new fear of commitment?” He flipped another page.
I hated his stupid notes. Pages and pages of how fucked up I was in the head. This could take a while if I didn’t cut him off. “One of my friends from out of town is visiting.”
“Ah. Perfect.” He settled into his chair, seemingly happy with the topic. “Which friend?”
Damn it. “Ian.”
He pinched his eyebrows together and then glanced back down at his notebook. He flipped a few pages.
I could have just told him what he was searching for. But what was the point? I had another 53 minutes to fill and I wasn’t sure I really wanted to talk to him.
“Ian as in the head of your security detail?”
“Yes, but he’s on extended leave. So he’s just visiting as a friend.”
“Interesting. Is he staying with you?”
I shouldn’t have brought this up. “I rented an apartment for him in my building.”
“Interesting,” he said again. “And has he done any work for you while he’s been here? Despite the fact that he’s on an extended leave and here as just a friend?”
“Technically I’m still paying him so…I don’t see the issue.”
He shook his head. “The issue goes back to the trust thing I mentioned earlier. A topic we’ve been stumbling around for months. You only let people who work for you get close to you. Probably because they’re the only ones that you can ask to sign confidentiality agreements.”
“He’s here as a friend. He even calls me James instead of Mr. Hunter now. We watch the Mets and Giants games together.”
“But you’re still paying him?”
“Yes.” I’d already said that. For a shrink, Dr. Clark wasn’t great at listening. I drummed my fingers on the armrest of the chair. “I also talked to my brother several days ago.” I needed to change the subject. It had been nice hanging out with Ian, but someone like Dr. Clark wouldn’t understand. He didn’t have a staff and he’d never met Ian or Ellen. So he had no right to judge our relationships.
“And what is he up to?”
“Traveling around Costa Rica without a care in the world.”