“And how does that make you feel?”
“Well, I certainly wouldn’t enjoy taking three months off to travel.”
“Not how you’d feel joining him. How do you feel that he’s doing that while you’re a professor at the University of New Castle?”
I wasn’t sure where he was going with this. “I’m happy where I am.”
“You sounded a little resentful when you said he was traveling without a care in the world.”
“I’m not resentful of my brother’s philandering ways.” If Rob wanted to waste his life away that was his choice.
“Hm.” Dr. Clark wrote something down in his notebook.
I glared at him. “I said I’m happy where I am and I meant it.” Stop writing things down.
“Then have you talked to your sister recently?”
“Nope.”
“Your parents?”
I didn’t like where this was going. I shook my head.
“What about some of your friends from back home? You’ve mentioned Mason and Matt before…”
“I just told you Ian was visiting.”
He jotted something down in his notebook. Really, what the hell was he writing?
“And I talked to Rob,” I added. “That counts.”
“And that made you feel…”
“Annoyed.” I immediately shook my head. Dr. Clark had tricked me. “Or maybe I’m just annoyed with you.”
“Why are you annoyed with your brother?” he asked, ignoring my last comment.
“He’s still relying on my parents’ money. That’s the only way he can afford to travel because he’s never worked a day in his life. And I don’t understand how he can take anything from them. How am I the only one who sees how fucking awful my parents are?”
He gave me a hard stare. He hated when I cursed during our sessions. “Have you ever thought that maybe he takes their money even though he knows that they’re not normal, kind, loving parents? Maybe he feels like they at least owe him that.”
“I’d never take a cent from them.”
“Yes…you wouldn’t. Because of how you rationalize things. But maybe your siblings have minds of their own?”
Touché. “Your point?”
“That just because your siblings still value a relationship with your parents doesn’t mean you can’t still value a relationship with your siblings. They’re not mutually exclusive.”
“And I told you I called Rob.” What the hell did he want from me?
“But you admitted that the call annoyed you.”
I didn’t know what he wanted me to say. I’ll be better behaved next time I call my little brother? “Okay, great. Anything else you want to dissect today?”
“That colleague you mentioned being interested in. Have you seen her again?”
I glared at him. He’d basically just told me Ian wasn’t my friend. And that my relationship with Rob wasn’t healthy. Did he really want to get into this too? He was probably just pissed I cancelled my session last week and he hadn’t gotten paid. To hell with him. And to hell with this. I was done. I didn’t need to sit here and get reprimanded like a child.
“You know what?” I said. “As a matter of fact I have. I fucked her last week to try to get her out of my system because you were no help at all, despite the fact that I had real concerns. And it just messed with my head even more. So I had my employee Ian install security cameras outside where she lives so I could see who comes and goes out of her place. I had a background check done on her. And then I fucking lost my mind and bought a country club so we could have our first real date there last night. My first actual date in years and I didn’t tell her a God damn thing about myself because we both know she won’t want anything to do with me when she realizes who I am. Oh, and there were security cameras there too, so I’ve had the pleasure of replaying parts of our date all morning like a fucking stalker. And now I’m pretty sure I’m addicted to her, so thanks a fucking lot for all your help. It was your job to stop me.”
Dr. Clark set down his notepad and pen on the coffee table. “Can we start at the beginning of that?”
I realized I was gripping the armrests of my chair so tightly that my knuckles were turning white. After that pathetic monologue I was planning on leaving and never coming back. But it was like my body was begging me to stay. I needed his help. I was out of my element with Penny. More than anything, I just didn’t want to fuck up my chance with her. Because I would fuck it up. That’s what I did. “I don’t even know what I said first.”
He smiled. “You said you had sex with her despite your concerns. We talked about those concerns a few weeks ago. And I meant what I said when I told you that I thought you were ready for a relationship. Especially since you seemed so happy. But you don’t look happy now. Is that because of your behavior regarding the video footage?
“Sex is usually one moment and then it’s gone,” he continued without waiting for a reply. “If you had surveillance of it…I can understand the temptation to replay it. But it’s only because the temptation is there. If Ian hadn’t installed the cameras it would be a non-issue. So maybe have him uninstall them to avoid this reoccurrence? And while you’re at it, delete the footage that you’ve been replaying. It’s a violation of the woman’s privacy and what you’re most likely feeling is guilt. Plus, that way you can eliminate every temptation.”
Every temptation except for Penny herself. She was still the main temptation that I should be resisting. And the footage of her sucking my cock? How could I possibly delete that? It was my favorite movie now. I nodded, but there was no way I was deleting it. Because when all this blew up in my face? I wanted a reminder that for just a few days something good was mine. Something warm and light and kind. Besides, the footage was amazing. Penny on her knees did something to me. I was getting hard just thinking about it.
“Good. And get rid of the surveillance outside her residence too. Watching her comings and goings is no way to start a healthy relationship.”
“But that’s what I’m trying to explain…nothing about it is healthy.”
He held up his hand. “Because of things that you can fix. We get rid of the cameras. And then what problems remain? You bought a country club. So what? You certainly have the necessary means to make whatever purchases you want. As long as you’re clear about the why. Which I assume was that you wanted to impress her, right?”
“Maybe, yeah.” No. It was because I didn’t want to get caught fucking one of my students. Maybe. It could have been what Dr. Clark said. Partially. Nope, definitely the not getting caught thing.
“See…there’s nothing wrong with that. And you’re scared to tell her about your past because you have real, sincere feelings for her. Everyone has those fears. They’re universal. I have those fears when I’m dating someone.”
“But you haven’t done the kinds of things that I have.”
He nodded. “That’s true. But you’re assuming that the woman you’re dating is going to judge you. And that’s not fair. Have I judged you?”