“You’re my therapist.”
“Have I judged you?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know.” He’d certainly written a lot of secretive things down in his damn notebook.
“I haven’t. I’ve listened. I’ve helped you. Because that’s my job.”
I figured he wouldn’t like the fact that I blamed him for all of it. “Sorry about that comment.”
“And I’m sorry if you thought I was suggesting that Ian wasn’t your friend. That wasn’t my intention. I was simply pointing out your trust issues. Maybe you’re having issues trusting this woman because she hasn’t signed a document promising to never cross you.”
I shook my head. I hadn’t even thought of giving Penny a confidentiality agreement. Which was odd now that I thought about it. “I think I…trust her.” Hadn’t I already proven that? I trusted her not to tell anyone about us. And my job was on the line. The new life I’d worked so hard to get. “I want to be able to trust her.”
Dr. Clark looked ecstatic. “Then tell her the truth about your past. Tell her everything. Give her the chance to show you she trusts you too. That’s what a relationship is.”
If only it was that easy. I knew he was right. But I liked Penny. And I didn’t want to lose her. I was playing with fire.
“Are you serious about her?” he asked.
“Yes.” I didn’t even hesitate. “She’s a breath of fresh air.” Much needed cherry-scented air.
Dr. Clark smiled. “So what’s preventing you from accepting her as a good thing instead of someone to run away from? Because hiding information from her is running away. What’s really holding you back?”
“I know she’s good for me.” I was creating things for the first time since I’d moved here. I was happier. I felt at peace. But that’s how it always went. “I have a way of ruining good things.”
“No matter what you do, you won’t ruin her. She’s a person, not an object.”
“You know what I mean.” And I wasn’t so sure Dr. Clark was right about this. Penny was so…innocent. I could break her. I could easily break her.
“And that’s why I told you to get rid of the cameras. Delete the footage. You need to treat her as an equal. No one should have the upper hand.”
No one should have the upper hand. His words rolled around in my head. No matter what I did, I’d always have the upper hand. I was Penny’s professor for fuck’s sake. And I liked having the upper hand apparently. Because I got hard whenever she called me Professor Hunter.
Dr. Clark didn’t understand my concerns. He wasn’t getting it at all. It wasn’t his fault, he hadn’t seen me at my lowest. He didn’t realize how I could twist goodness. But now he was just bringing up new concerns, which wasn’t helping anyone.
I pushed my hair off my forehead. My problems didn’t just go away as time passed. Dr. Clark knew that better than anyone. So why was he pretending like I could be different? I shook my head.
“Are you happy when you’re with her?” he asked.
Finally an easy question. “I had more fun last night than I’ve had in years. I can’t remember the last time I felt so carefree. She has this way of making everything and everyone around us disappear.” Which was terrifying. Because I had a whole class to teach, and it was hard to focus on anyone but her. And I kept kissing her in public even though we could be easily caught. If I wasn’t more careful, I’d be the one to ruin this.
“When was the last time you were in love, James?”
“I dated this girl, Rachel, in high school. I was young and stupid, but it felt real at the time. It was probably the closest I ever got.”
“There was someone else in high school right? You mentioned her when you first moved here…” he started flipping through his notebook. “Your classmate who passed away? The one that transferred to your school from Delaware?”
My throat started to feel tight. She was the last thing I needed to talk about. And I never should have spoken about her to Dr. Clark. He would never understand. I was somehow an even bigger mess in high school than I was now. “That wasn’t love.” It couldn’t have been. Because that betrayal was too hard to live with. “She was just a friend.”
“Just a friend?”
Friendship was a strange thing. Because of how quickly it could change. I thought about my best friends growing up, Mason and Matt. We broke in high school. Everything broke in high school.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, we were just friends.”
“Okay. Just Rachel then. So like ten years ago? What about Isabella?”
I shook my head. “I never loved her.” I tried. I wanted to. But it was hard to love someone with as tortured of a soul as yours. Someone who lied more than they told the truth. Someone with a heart full of greed. Someone hateful and cold and cruel. It was like looking in the mirror. It felt like we deserved each other.
Dr. Clark picked his notebook back up. “So remind me what happened with Rachel?”
“I don’t know. We were fine one minute and then she was gone. She just picked up and left without even saying goodbye. Turns out she didn’t feel the same way about me in the end.”
“That must have been hard.”
I shrugged. “That was pretty much the start of all my issues. Well…not the start. But it was when I completely stopped fighting my demons. I just gave in to them. I put a lot of my hopes and dreams on her. She used to encourage me. At first.” That didn’t last long though. We were more toxic than anything. But I needed an escape. Turns out she wasn’t it. I didn’t know why we were talking about this. It was so long ago. It meant nothing.
“Do you ever think that maybe you should find her? Get some closure?”
“I got all the closure I needed when she left.”
Dr. Clark pressed his lips together. “That’s not closure. If you’re over it, that’s great. But it’s just a patch on a wound until you know why. Maybe you’re having a harder time opening up to this new woman in your life because you’re still stuck in the past.”
“I’m not having a hard time opening up to her. I’m choosing not to so she’ll stay.”
“But doesn’t that go back to Rachel? She left, so you’re scared anyone new will leave too?”
“That’s not it.” Maybe it was. The only people that could tolerate me recently were hired staff. And they certainly wouldn’t if I didn’t pay them. I had a way of messing up everything. Pushing people away. Every single good thing in my life eventually left. Or died. I swallowed hard. I’d buried everything that happened in high school in the past. And that was where it was going to stay. That’s where it had to stay. “I have no idea why Rachel left. But I know why someone would fucking leave me now. No one in their right mind should be with me.”
Dr. Clark flinched when I dropped the f-bomb.
“Sorry,” I added.
“Do you love this new woman?”
“I…yeah…I mean no. It’s too soon.” Sometimes Dr. Clark’s lack of segues left me scrambling. But it was a no. I couldn’t love Penny. It was too soon. Right? “It doesn’t matter how I feel anyway. She doesn’t even know me.”