“And whose fault is that? James, how do you expect to love someone else if you don’t even love yourself?”
I realized my knuckles were turning white again as I gripped the leather armrests. Love had a different meaning to me than it did to anyone else. My demons followed me everywhere. They’d never just go away. But Penny? She was as light as air. It’s why it was so easy to breathe around her. She was the light to my darkness. And when you lived a life in the dark, it was really fucking easy to fall in love with the light.
There was a knock on the door, signaling the end of our session.
“We can pick this up next week, okay?” He jotted something down in his notebook.
I nodded.
“Oh and what’s this mystery woman’s name? You’ve never said.”
“Penny.” It was weird saying her name out loud knowing I couldn’t get in trouble. To my therapist, Penny was a colleague. An appropriate choice. If only life was that easy.
Chapter 26
Monday
I walked into the classroom and my eyes immediately gravitated toward Penny. All I wanted to do was walk over to her and pull her into a kiss. Saturday was still fresh in my mind. Honestly, she was all I could think about. And having to keep my distance on campus was proving harder than I ever imagined. This semester was going to be torture.
The way I was thinking about her was borderline obsessive. I wanted to believe Dr. Clark. He didn’t think my past would be an issue. But he didn’t know me. No one here really knew me. For just a second I let myself stare at Penny unabashedly. Would she run if she uncovered my secrets? Would she fear me?
My thoughts came to a stop when I noticed the rose sitting on her desk. A rose that wasn’t from me. We’d just talked about being exclusive. I ran my hand through my hair as I placed my satchel down. And we’d spoken specifically about Tyler. She claimed he was a friend, but clearly that feeling wasn’t mutual. Tyler had a dumb smirk on his face as if he had Penny right where he wanted her. Not a chance in hell. She’s mine.
Breathe. But it was hard to breathe slowly when I was seething. The baggage I carried around already stacked the odds against me. I didn’t need some immature frat boy getting in my way too. Just friends my ass.
"Speeches start next Monday,” I said. “And this time we'll go backwards in the alphabet. So last names beginning with Z through N will go on Monday and M through A will go on Wednesday." If Penny was going to flirt with other men, I was going to punish her for it. "I don't want nerves to be as big of a factor for this speech. It's important to feel comfortable in this room. So let's all share something a little more intimate today." I was going off my lesson plan yet again. But I needed to make sure that Penny and I were still on the same page. "Oh, I have an idea. I had an amazing date this weekend."
A few girls in the classroom sighed, but not Penny. She was just staring at me intently, probably eager to hear that I’d had a great night with her.
"Romance, dinner. The whole package.” I couldn’t really go into more detail than that without being inappropriate in more ways than one. “So how about everyone shares what their ideal first date would be. And let's switch things up today and start at the end of the alphabet so we get a feel for how next week's speeches are going to go. Adam Zabek, start us off." If I was competing for Penny’s affection, I’d make sure to pull out all the stops. But first I had to figure out what she wanted. I tuned out the first few answers.
"Penny Taylor,” I called.
She stood up. "I like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. And the feel of the ocean and the taste of champagne."
Most of the class laughed.
I smiled and leaned back in my seat. I wasn’t sure if she was joking or not, but I’d play along. "Tyler Stevens?"
Tyler stood up. "Hmmm. My ideal first date is probably making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape."
Penny giggled and something in my chest tightened. The thought of his hands on her made me see red. I needed to squash whatever it was that they had. I cleared my throat. "Okay. Let's move past the song lyrics."
When everyone was done, I went back to my lesson plan and started talking about enunciation. It took forever for the class to end. But when it did, I waited patiently for the students to empty out, knowing Penny would come to my desk. When we were finally alone, she grabbed the rose and walked up to me. I wanted her to toss it in the trash. Or laugh about how ridiculous it was. But she did neither.
"I see that you are continuing your relationship with Mr. Stevens, despite my request," I said. I was surprised by the hint of anger in my voice. We’d only been on one date. The possessiveness I was feeling was as surprising as it was unsettling. But I’d never been one to share. When I wanted something, it usually became my sole focus. That was my whole problem.
"I'm not."
I stared at the rose in her hand.
"It's just a friendship rose."
I folded my arms across my chest. You can’t be that naïve. "Penny, there is no such thing as a friendship rose."
"But we really are just friends."
She didn’t seem like she was lying. She really was just naïve and sweet. But I still had to stake my claim. I didn’t want her even thinking about another man. And Tyler Stevens was proving to be quite a snake. "I'll be picking you up at 1." I’d clear my schedule for the afternoon. I wasn’t going to wait to prove my point. After this afternoon, she wouldn’t have any reasons to second guess any of my intentions. Even if I was still confused about them myself.
"Wait, what?"
"I'm taking you on your ideal date."
"But, I can't. I have a class at 2."
I pulled my satchel over my shoulder. "So skip it."
"You're a terrible influence, Professor Hunter."
I was. Of course I was. But I didn’t have enough control to stop now. "I don't think you really believe that. I'll see you at 1." I winked at her and walked out of the room.
I was barely down the hall when my phone started to ring. Thinking it was Penny with some smart remark, I pulled it out. But there was an unknown number on my screen. I didn’t even recognize the area code. Barely anyone had my cell number though, so it had to be someone I knew. Hopefully. My number being leaked to the public would be a nightmare.
I answered the call as I made my way outside. “Hello?” I said instead of offering my name, just in case it was the paparazzi or someone else equally annoying. I didn’t want to risk anyone thinking they actually got my number.
“James, fuck, finally,” Rob said. “I couldn’t remember your new number and I’ve been stuck in here for days.”
“Stuck where?” There was a distance to his voice. I knew he was thousands of miles away, but when he’d called me the other day his voice had been clearer.
“I messed up. You know what…no. I didn’t mess up. This fucking country is messed up. It’s not my fault.”
How many times had I heard that before? “Where are you?” I repeated, but I was worried I knew the answer.
“I was just trying to help.”