Not like that. It was the understatement of the century. I’d never felt like this either. Like suddenly I felt less…empty. I stared at her. That’s how I’d felt right before I met her…completely and utterly empty. And it was scary how whole I felt with her in my arms even after she stumbled into them the first time. Was that how love was supposed to feel? Because I’d certainly never felt like this before. Dr. Clark had asked me if I was in love with Penny. I was terrified that this was that feeling. But it didn’t seem like the right moment to tell Penny that. Not when she looked terrified. I didn’t know if she was a flight risk. She never looked so young to me before, sitting there with tears in her eyes.
"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable." I rubbed another tear off her cheek. I needed to just calm her down. "How many partners have you been with?"
"One."
One? Jesus. She’s going to think I’m a monster. All the thoughts I had been feeling. Could she really be feeling them too if she’d only been with one guy? I was in a different stage of my life than her and it had never been so clear. Yet, it didn’t make me want her any less. Her confession didn’t make this feel any less real to me. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her down on top of me. And I just held her. She was more innocent than I thought. And it terrified me. I could lose her. I could really lose her for my shitty past mistakes.
"And how many partners have you been with?" she asked.
The question I’d been worried about. I sighed. "A little more than that."
"How many more?"
"Penny, I don't want you to think poorly of me." I don’t want to lose you.
"More than five?"
I exhaled slowly. How could it be so easy to breathe around her one moment, and the next if felt like I was suffocating? As if she controlled my air supply.
"More than ten?"
"I spent a large portion of my college years fairly drunk." An understatement.
"More than fifteen?"
"We should probably stop playing this game."
"Professor Hunter, you're a slut!"
I laughed. "You seem to enjoy all my experience."
She cringed. I didn't like picturing her with anyone else. I imagined it was the same for her.
"And what about your one, Penny?" I thought about the video footage of Tyler leaving her dorm. She said they were just friends. Had they always been just friends? I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to handle him being in my class, sitting next to her, knowing he’d fucked her. Breathe.
"What about him?" She slid off me and onto her side, her head resting in her hand.
"One is rather intimate. Is he someone I should be worried about?" Please don’t be Tyler. I was already being a shitty professor. And I had a feeling if it was Tyler I’d be giving out an underserved F.
She laughed. "No."
"So you no longer speak to him?"
"No.”
I breathed a little easier.
“I doubt that I'll ever talk to him again,” she added. “He's an immature asshole."
"And why is that?" I was relieved it wasn’t Tyler. But the thought of someone, anyone, treating her badly made my blood boil.
"Why do you want to know?"
"Because I don't want to make the same mistakes with you that he did."
She sighed. "There isn't much to tell. We dated last semester. He didn't speak to me all summer. He made me feel worthless."
"So you broke up with him?" I felt ridiculous asking so many questions about this one guy. She hadn’t made me give her details about all the women I’d slept with. But I needed to know everything. I was a hypocrite, and I knew it.
"You can't really break up with someone who you never officially went out with."
I took her hand in mine. Apparently she didn’t just date immature guys. She dated idiots. "Penny Taylor, I promise not to make you feel worthless. And I'll try not to act like an asshole." I smiled, intertwining our fingers. The promise of not making her feel worthless would be easy. Because I was the one that wasn’t worthy of her. The asshole promise was harder. Because I really was an asshole on most days.
"I don't know, Professor Hunter. From what I've found out about you, it seems like I'm just going to end up as another notch on your bedpost."
I laughed. "That's not who I am anymore." She’d never be a notch. She was quickly becoming everything. All that I thought about. All that I craved. It was such a thin line for me, and I had already crossed it. I wasn’t sure I could go back even if I wanted to.
"I thought it was impossible for people to change?"
"I came here for a change. And I think I'm better off because of it." I pulled her toward me so that her head was resting on my chest again. Her leg crossed over me.
Having her in my arms felt so right. And there was something nice about knowing she felt it too. Because I wasn’t just fucking my student. I was in deep. I was pretty sure I was in love with her. I’m in love with my student. I breathed in her sweet scent. This moment could last forever and it wouldn't be long enough. Because it had been a really long time since I’d felt this whole. And this happy. Hell, that was a lie. I’d never been whole. And I barely even remembered what it felt like to be happy. The smell of cherries surrounded me. Until now. I was pretty sure this was what happiness felt like.
***
I had never slept so well before. There was something about having Penny beside me that calmed me. She looked so peaceful when I woke up. I wanted to wake up to her beautiful face every morning. Just like this. For a few minutes I just stared at the way her red hair fell against the pillow and the shadows her eyelashes cast on the freckles under her eyes. She was good and perfect and pure. And mine. Somehow she was mine.
I slowly climbed out of bed, making sure not to wake her. I was in a daze as I brushed my teeth and showered. Last night had been perfect. And there was probably just enough time for a repeat before classes started. I came out of the bathroom, but the bed was empty.
“Penny?” I called as I made my way out into the kitchen. But she wasn’t there or in the living room. “Penny?” I turned around. She was gone. And for a moment it felt like my heart stopped beating. She’d left. She’d left and I didn’t even know the specific reason. Because there could have been a million reasons why. And all of them were my fault.
PART 3
Chapter 32
Tuesday
I grabbed my phone. Penny probably just left because she didn’t want to be late for class. That was it. I sent her a quick text: “I would have driven you home. Persuading you to miss two classes would have been way too irresponsible." I smiled. I loved being irresponsible with her.
I stared at my phone for a minute, waiting for her to text me back. But…she didn’t. She was probably just getting ready for class.
I put my phone down. She’d text back soon enough. I tried not to think about it as I finished getting ready. But the minutes ticked by and no response came. When I went to grab a pair of shoes, I found all her clothes still in my room. Even her flip flops. I pictured her walking home in my t-shirt and nothing else. Not even a pair of shoes. What the hell? Something was definitely wrong. I shot her another text: "Did you get back to your dorm okay? You left your clothes here..."