Fuck. I ran my fingers through my hair. I had a class to get to. But all I could think about was why? Why had she left? The list was endless. And I’d expected it eventually. But not yet. It couldn’t be over yet.
***
“Three pointer!” Ian pretended to make a basket with an invisible ball. “Called it!” He held up his hand for me to high-five.
I lifted my hand and he slapped it. But I wasn’t paying attention to the game. My eyes kept gravitating back to my desk where I’d left my phone. We were watching the game in my office and I was hoping it would distract me or my work would distract me, but…nothing did. All day long all I could think about was Penny. She’d never texted me back. I wanted to drive over to her dorm, but I couldn’t just show up and try to walk in when someone walked out. Any student could recognize me. And she knew it. She knew there was no way for me to come see her.
“You okay, man?” Ian asked.
“Fine.” Ian had sent me the footage of Penny getting safely back to her dorm. But she’d been barefoot in nothing but my t-shirt. The image infuriated me. She’d run. She’d run and I didn’t even fucking know why. Was she seriously not going to text me back? She couldn’t avoid me forever. I was her fucking professor. I’d see her tomorrow in class. But waiting that long to figure out what was wrong felt like torture.
“You don’t seem fine. Check your phone, maybe she’s texted back.”
I stood up and grabbed my phone. But there were no missed calls or messages. I typed out another text. "Penny, I had a wonderful day with you. And a wonderful night. If there's something that I've done to upset you, I'll fix it. Just tell me what it is."
“Please tell me you didn’t just text her again,” Ian said.
“Maybe?”
He laughed. “That’s an amateur move. You’ve got it bad.”
I did. I had it so bad that I was finding it hard to breathe without her. It was a familiar feeling. This deep need. The kind of feeling I paid Dr. Clark good money to help me avoid. Fuck! I ran my hand down my face.
“You really have no idea what you did to piss her off?” he asked. “Oh, nothing but net!”
I let my eyes gravitate back to the screen. “Not a clue.” Our night really had been perfect. She was perfect. And I’d fucked it all up.
“Do you want me to figure out where she is right now? I could just…”
“No. Relationships are built on trust.”
Ian raised his eyebrow. “Since when have you believed that?”
I shrugged. I didn’t. But it was what Dr. Clark wanted me to believe. Besides, if Ian found Penny and she was with another guy? I didn’t want to go to jail for killing some limp dicked college student.
Breathe. I stared at the game without really even seeing it. Really, why had she left without even a note? Was it the conversation about how many women I’d slept with? She seemed fine after that. It had to be something else. Breathe. But I couldn’t seem to focus on my breath no matter how many times I told myself I had to. I clenched my hand into a fist. If I’d still been wearing a rubber band around my wrist I would have snapped the damn thing in half. Breathe.
“I have an idea,” Ian said.
I looked up at him. God, at this moment I’d do anything if it meant talking to Penny.
“You could text her again,” he said with a laugh.
Asshole. “Ha. Ha.” Maybe Dr. Clark had a point about employees being different than friends. Because right now Ian was acting more like a friend, and it was driving me nuts.
“Speaking of texts, have you heard from Jen recently?” Ian asked.
“No. Why?”
He shrugged. “No reason.”
I stared at him watching the game. Seriously, why did all our conversations always revert back to Jen? Was something going on between Ian and my sister?
“We could fix this situation though.”
“I’m not in the mood to talk to Jen right now.”
Ian laughed. “I was talking about Penny. I could put one of those cameras in her dorm room…”
I sighed. As tempting as that was, I couldn’t take him up on the offer. Partly because I was worried about what I would see. Besides, how was he planning on breaking into her dorm room? I didn’t even want to know. “Let’s just focus on the game.”
“That’s what I was trying to do. But your sulking is very distracting. Are you hungry?” He got up and stretched. “Maybe we should go out and watch the game somewhere on Main Street.”
That sounded terrible. There were students at the restaurants on Main Street. Students that weren’t Penny that I didn’t want to talk to.
“Or…I’ll go warm up something Ellen made for us?”
I laughed. “You mean my dinner?”
“Nah, Ellen knows I always steal food from your fridge. She’s been making me leftovers for years.”
“She has?” I hadn’t known that. How had I not noticed food disappearing from my fridge for years?
“Yeah.” He laughed. “I thought you knew.”
I didn’t. But it was just like Ellen to want to take care of everyone.
“I’ll go warm it up. Don’t text Penny while I’m gone. Another text would really be the wrong move.”
I knew he was right. I glared at my phone, willing for Penny to respond to me. Each minute that ticked by without a response driving me slowly more insane.
Chapter 33
Wednesday
"I'll talk to you after class.” That was the text I’d finally gotten from Penny this morning. Any text like that wasn’t good news. But at least she’d reached out. And whatever it was? I’d fix it. Because losing her was not an option. One night without her and I was back to not sleeping. I climbed into bed for a minute, but all I could smell was her on my sheets. I’d ended up sleeping a few hours on the couch in my office and my back was aching.
I hated feeling this out of control. I hated feeling this desperate. This was what I’d been trying to avoid. But here I was. It was fucking pathetic. And I couldn’t stop.
I walked out into the kitchen. Ellen paused when she saw me, a plate balancing precariously in her hand.
“What?” I snapped, my voice hoarse.
She didn’t even flinch. She was used to my moods. “Are you feeling alright?”
No. “Mhm.”
She looked so concerned. “Here. Eat something.” She put the plate down on the counter. “It’s your favorite.”
I honestly didn’t care what she’d made. The only thing I was craving was Penny. And I couldn’t have her because she was hiding from me. “I’ll grab something on the way, I’m running late.”
She lightly touched my arm. “Are you sure you’re okay, dear? Really?”
I knew how I must look. Ellen had been working for me for years. She knew how low I could get. She’d seen me at my worst. I knew exactly what she was asking me. And I didn’t know how to answer her. Because I was just as worried as her.
Ellen’s eyes dropped to the dark circle under my eyes.
I pulled my arm away from her. “I’m fine, Ellen.”