“You were so looking forward to your beach date. You ran out of here too quickly yesterday for me to see you…but I thought for sure I’d get a glimpse of one of your rare smiles today.” She smiled at me, almost like she was encouraging me to mimic the action.
I didn’t return it.
“Did something happen on your date?” she asked.
“No. The whole day was perfect.” It wasn’t a lie. It had been a great night too. But between Penny falling asleep in my arms and me taking a shower in the morning…something had broken. I was used to breaking things. But this one really fucking hurt. I’d told Ellen I was going on a date on Monday. That’s all she knew. And I wasn’t going to sit here and make her play therapist when I had one of those. A shitty one that didn’t prevent me from giving in to temptation. “I gotta go, Ellen.”
She didn’t say anything else. But I felt her gaze on me as I left. Her very worried gaze. I wanted to be able to tell her that I wasn’t slipping again. That I had everything under control. But I didn’t. I could barely breathe.
The elevator doors closing made me feel even more claustrophobic. Penny had definitely uncovered something about my past. I just didn’t know what it was. My figurative closet was so full of skeletons that I couldn’t even close the door. I had no idea if she was angry or terrified of me or both. I practically ran out of the elevator when the doors finally dinged open.
The air was chillier today as I walked to my Comm class. It was like autumn had appeared overnight. Penny had left and taken all the warmth with her. A few leaves were even turning yellow and red. It felt like an ending. But I wasn’t going to accept that. This couldn’t be the end of us. Not yet. I hadn’t had enough.
I took a deep breath when I reached my classroom. I just had to get through one class and then I’d sort this mess out. I adjusted my glasses and walked in. If she didn’t realize how much I needed her, she would after today. I looked a mess.
For just a second, we made eye contact. I could feel the pain in her stare. It was the same pain I was feeling. But she immediately dropped my gaze and looked down at her desk. She can’t even look at me? This was bad.
I cleared my throat. I realized I had been awkwardly standing at the front of the class. "Passion," I said. Screw the lesson plan. "Passion is what drives a good speech. Passion drives everything. And it's probably one of the reasons why you chose your majors." The only passion I currently had was sitting in the back row ignoring me.
I picked up a piece of chalk and started writing on the board. "Without passion, there really is no meaning in life." I turned around and locked eyes with Penny again. There’s no meaning without you. I’d thought teaching was a perfect fit for me. But I didn’t even know what living was until I met Penny. I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was choking. Look at me, Penny. Fucking look at me! "Today I'd like us all to talk about something that we're passionate about. Ray, kick us off."
Ray stood up. "I'm passionate about any good booty." The class laughed and he began to sit down.
"Ray, don't you dare sit down." I was seconds away from snapping.
Ray laughed awkwardly and continued to stand there.
"Passion is not humorous. Unless your passion is humor. Don't make a joke of my assignments, Raymond."
"I'm not, man."
"That's Professor Hunter to you. Get the hell out of my class.” God, I was taking it out on my students. I was losing it.
Ray grabbed his backpack and left the room without turning around. The whole class was silent. I thought I might get fired for dating a student. Now I had to worry about yelling in class? It felt like I was sinking.
I cleared my throat. "I am passionate about teaching. That would be an acceptable answer." And you, Penny. I’m passionate about you. You’re fucking everything. I called the next name and the girl rose to her feet. It looked like she was shaking. Jesus, I was scaring them. I tuned out her answer. Had I completely lost my mind? The last time I’d lost my temper like this was when I punched the dean of the last college I worked at. Again. And again. I raked my fingers through my hair. Breathe.
"Penny Taylor," I said.
She rose to her feet and stared directly into my eyes. "I'm passionate about honesty." She quickly sat back down.
I raised my left eyebrow. Honesty? Yeah, I had a few secrets. But this wasn’t a one-sided thing. I wanted her to be honest with me too. We could start with what she was so upset about. I wasn’t great at relationships, but even I knew that communication was a big part of them. I was willing to have this conversation. I needed her to meet me halfway here.
After the last student shared what they were passionate about, I dismissed the class and waited for her to come up to me.
When the class had finally emptied, she got to her feet and walked toward my desk.
"Penny." I put my hand on her arm. I felt that familiar warmth that I’d been craving. And for just a second I was able to breathe a little deeper.
"I'm sorry, Professor Hunter. We need to end this before we make it any worse." She took a step back from me, removing my hand from her.
"End this? Have your feelings for me changed?"
"Professor Hunter, everything's changed."
"You're right, I like you more than ever." I forced a smile on my face, when all I really wanted to do was get down on my knees and beg her to stay.
She shook her head. "I know."
"Then what's the problem?"
"Professor Hunter, I know." She took a slow breath. "I know your secret."
My secret? Which fucking one? I couldn’t come clean unless I knew what specifically she was talking about. Because if one thing was making her run? Imagine if she knew them all. It was my worst nightmare.
"The fact that you don't even know what I'm referring to is disgusting," she said.
I felt gutted. So it was one of the bad ones. I was going to eventually tell her everything. Of course I was. But not yet. Not when we were still so new. Not when I could so easily lose her.
I stepped toward her and put my hand on her arm again. "Penny, let's go to my office to talk about this." Please.
"I'm not going anywhere with you." She took another step away from me, like being that close to me repulsed her.
"Whatever you think you know, you couldn't possibly understand. Just give me a chance to explain."
"No, I think I do understand. And I'm sorry that I let anything happen between us."
"Don't say that, Penny." I was about to lose my temper again like I had with Ray. But she was dismissing what we had because of what? A criminal record? The fact that I got fired from my last job? My confession of being promiscuous before I moved here? What? Or just the fact that I could go on for an hour might have been the problem. I was a fucking mess. She had every reason to end this. Every reason to run. But I wanted her to stay. I needed her to stay.
"You were right to hide what kind of man you are from me. You're not at all who I thought you were. Don't text me, Professor Hunter."
"Penny!" I called after her as she turned and left the room. Shit. I grabbed my satchel and ran after her. But I lost her in the crowded hall. You were right to hide what kind of man you are from me. I stopped in the middle of the hall, ignoring the students trying to pass me. You were right to hide what kind of man you are from me. What stung was that she was right. And I couldn’t do anything to change my past. I came here to move on. But it would follow me everywhere. You were right to hide what kind of man you are from me.