I swallow thickly. “That’s awful.”
“It was. I’d mention it after that but very carefully. She brushed me off and told me she was fine, and after some time . . . it felt like it was getting better. She started taking better care of herself and the house. Or so it seemed.” The haunted look on his face is frightening. “Around Hailey’s first birthday, we had a dinner at her house. My aunt and her parents were there. It was a great day. Heather was laughing and happy.” He’s shaking now, his voice noticeably wobbly. “I didn’t know she was taking pills that weren’t prescribed to her. I didn’t know that she’d been drinking all day.”
“Oh, Rafe.” I don’t know what else to say.
“It was my night with Hailey. I told her to get some rest. Do something for herself. She just nodded in agreement and kissed Hailey. I left.”
He looks so damn broken. “You don’t have to keep going, Rafe.”
I can guess.
He shakes his head, a determined look on his face. “The next day, when I brought Hailey back to her, Heather was on the couch.” His face has morphed into a numb-like state as he recalls his own horror. “She was cold. Lifeless. Bottles of pills and vodka next to her.” His eyes shift to look directly at me. “I called 911, but it was too late. She’d been dead for a while. They ruled it an overdose.”
“Fuck.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He looks away from me, and I notice his eyes are wet with unshed tears. “I don’t know if she did it on purpose or not. I’ll never know. There wasn’t a note. I think maybe she just didn’t want to feel it for a while. She loved Hailey.”
I squeeze my arm around him. “Of course, she did.”
“I fucked her up.”
I want to say so many things. That it wasn’t his fault. That more than likely, there’s more to her story. That he shouldn’t have ever had to play a role. But I know none of it will convince him. “I’m so sorry, Rafe.”
His lips move to mine, offering a small kiss that I hope brings him comfort. “Thank you for letting me tell you. Do you look at me differently now?” The vulnerability in his voice cracks my chest open and makes me bleed for him.
“No.” I rethink that. “Actually, maybe now, I think you’re more brave than I already did.”
“Brave?” He pulls back, his eyebrows pinched together. “If anything, that story should have showed you what a coward I am.”
“No.”
“Yes.” He stands again. “If I’d have told her the truth when we were younger, maybe she wouldn’t have fallen for me.” That’s highly unlikely, but I bite my tongue. “I sure as hell should have told her before I fucked her and got her pregnant.”
“You were both there. It was consensual.”
“That’s the thing though. We weren’t. I wasn’t in it. I was somewhere else, but I let it happen. I let her think that’s what I wanted because I was so afraid of the rumors. Of my father believing the rumors.”
The sadness in his voice nearly kills me as I stand up and grasp the back of his neck. “It was a bad situation all around, Rafe, but you are not bad. You didn’t mean to hurt her.”
He steels himself, his shoulders tensing, “I learned my lesson. That’s for damn sure. All I want now is to do right by her. To raise our kid the best way I can.”
“You’re doing an amazing job with Hailey.”
That brings a smile to his face. “Thank you. I’m trying.”
“What do you mean you learned your lesson though?”
He pulls me back to the bed, lying down and pulling my head to his chest. I go to him easily, loving the sound of his heartbeat as he strokes my hair with his large hand. “No relationships. I’m bad at them.”
My heart sinks, and I lean up on my elbow to look at him. “What? Like ever or for now?”
“Ever,” he says matter-of-factly.
“What?” I’m shocked stupid.
He looks confused as he stares at me. “What?”
“You never want to commit to someone because of a completely fake relationship you had when you were eighteen?”
It’s awkward and tense now as we both sit up and face each other. “It wasn’t fake. It was just a total fuck up. Why does it matter?”
Because I’m falling for you. Because I promised myself no more fucking around.
I can’t make myself say the words. “I . . . It doesn’t.”
He pulls me to his side, both of us leaning back against the headboard. “That’s why we work. The sex is fucking incredible. I can be me. No pressure. No bullshit. It’s great.”
I feel sick. It’s a hot coals burning in my belly kind of feeling. But I can’t make myself tell him. “Right.”
He’s been beaten down for years. His family abandoned him. His best friend in the world abandoned him. He deserved so much better.
How can I leave him too?
* * *
I’m happy I told Nolan everything about my past with Heather. It’s not something I enjoy talking about, but part of me feels less burdened after our talk. Nolan has that way about him that makes me relax.
I hate what I did to Heather. I hate that I let her down, and by doing so, I let Hailey down too. But the guilt of it all has been eating me alive for so long. And Nolan didn’t seem to judge me at all. In fact, he tried to defend me.
Which is kind but not necessary. I shouldn’t have slept with Heather. I knew I was gay. I knew I didn’t feel the same way about her as she felt about me. But she was my best friend, the only one I thought who truly cared about me. When I told her I was gay, I expected her to be mad but not to hate me. The reality was a horrifying shock. I’d never seen her angrier than she was then, never heard her spit hateful words like she did.
She never looked at me the same. It was like I disgusted her.
Until I met Nolan, I’d held everyone at arm’s length, never spending much time with anyone. Now that I have him as a friend, I’m happier. I feel lighter somehow. I find myself grinning as I walk up the stairs to my apartment, quietly unlocking the door and walking inside.
My heart thunders rapidly in my chest when I see Nolan fast asleep on my couch. The lamp on the table next to the couch is on, and he’s wearing black-rimmed glasses I’ve never seen him wear before, a book open and lying on his chest as he sleeps.
I don’t see Hailey anywhere so she must be asleep. I walk over to him, grabbing the book carefully and closing it before placing it on the coffee table. Nolan stirs, a sleepy smile on his face before his beautiful eyes open, taking in my outfit.
It’s my usual Glitter attire. Jeans and a white t-shirt, covered in rainbow glitter after my shift. “Hey. Good night?”
I nod happily, sitting down and moving his socked feet to my lap. “Yeah. I have enough for that Barbie Dream House and then some.”
He chuckles at that and makes no effort to move. He stretches his long arms above his head, showing off a sexy sliver of his muscled stomach and strong, cut arms. “She’s going to love it. You’re an amazing father.”