I finally find a good man who isn’t a train wreck, who is kind and hardworking. Who is a loving father and works his ass off to give his daughter everything. And now that I’ve found him, I can’t have him because he’s been through a trauma so horrific, he never wants any form of commitment again.
I need to tell him I can’t do this anymore. I have to. I can’t keep doing this to myself and getting more and more attached. I know this, deep down inside, but I can’t seem to get myself to do it.
Every time I look into those deep blue eyes, I fucking melt like the pussy I seem to be around him. Every minute spent with him is beautiful torture. I run faster and faster, trying to work out my frustration, my feet running on the belt making a rhythmic thumping sound.
I’m in way over my head.
“Whoa.” I look up just as Gavin is turning the treadmill down, making my pace slow. “You’re going to pass out. What’s up with you?”
“I’m not going to pass out, asshole.” I stop the treadmill completely and hop off. I love the daily trip to the gym. It normally puts me in a great mood, but tonight I’ve been nothing but agitated.
“Right.” He starts to lift free weights next to me, his ass perched on the bench as I sit on the mat and stretch my tired muscles. “What’s up?”
He knows about Rafe and me, that we’ve been screwing every chance we get, but I haven’t told him about Rafe’s past. I won’t either. It’s not my story to tell.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
“Do we really have to go into the whole ‘I’ve known you forever’ thing? Because I know when you’re pissy, and you’re definitely pissy.”
“You really fucked me. That’s why I’m pissy.”
His eyebrows scrunch together as he searches his mind for what the hell I’m talking about. “I told you, I like you but not that way. I didn’t fuck you.”
I raise my middle finger, and he laughs. “You told me not to tell him I want something serious.”
“Oh.” There’s pity in his eyes. “What happened?”
“He doesn’t want a relationship.”
“Really?” He puts the weight down. “He doesn’t give off fuckboy vibes.”
Gavin should know. But I don’t say that to my friend. “He’s not. He’s just a dad who’s been really hurt in the past. And he doesn’t want commitment or a relationship—ever.”
He’s deep in thought now as I jump up from the hard floor. “You caught feelings.”
It’s a statement, but I nod anyway. “Yeah.”
He stands up from the bench. “You need to tell him.”
I know. “Maybe I can take it. He’s a really good lay.” My words are laced in lies, and he knows it. “Maybe just fucking is plenty for me. It can be enough.”
“Oh yeah? So since he doesn’t want commitment, does that mean you can see other people?” He tilts his head to the side, waiting for my answer.
“I don’t want to.”
“But does he?”
The thought nearly makes me sick, and my fists clench. “I don’t think so.”
He places a hand on my shoulder. “You don’t know that for sure, and I know you, Nols. It will drive you crazy not knowing, not talking about it.”
I look at him, feeling lost and defeated. “I can’t lose him.”
He drops his hand and shrugs his shoulder. “Maybe you won’t. He’s probably fallen for you too. You just have to talk about it.”
I shake my head numbly. “No, you didn’t hear him. He’s adamant about not wanting a relationship.”
“Does he know he’s basically already in one with you?”
Gavin isn’t completely wrong. On paper, it sure looks like a relationship. I watch Hailey. He comes home. We fuck and talk. We spend the weekends together. “I think it would scare the hell out of him if I point that out.”
“Ease him into it.”
“You give the worst advice.”
He shoves my shoulder playfully. “Quit being a pussy and talk to him.”
I groan as we walk toward the locker room.
I know it’s what I need to do. But deep down, I’m not sure I can do it.
* * *
Hailey runs to me and wraps her little arms around me. “Daddy! Did you hear us?”
I laugh and squeeze her back, smoothing her blond hair down with my hand. “Of course, I did. I was in the front row.”
She looks up at me, leaning her little head back. “Did you hear my part?”
I chuckle again. I love this kid so damn much. “Yeah, you were so great, kiddo. It was perfect.”
Tonight was the Christmas concert at her school, and Hailey had a solo. She looked like an angel on the stage under the bright lights of the auditorium. I dressed her in a green velvet dress with a satin bow that the saleswoman said would be perfect for tonight. I was grateful for her help, considering I have no fucking idea what kids wear to these things.
She blended in perfectly with the rest of her class, and the price tag for the fancy dress was worth it. Still, I’m glad I’ve been picking up extra shifts at Glitter. I have most of the Christmas shopping done two weeks ahead of time.
Now, the wrapping is another story, but maybe I can Google that shit or something.
“Nolan!” Hailey squeals as Nolan walks up to us, his sexy saunter too damn much for me. He looks damn good in black slacks, a crisp white shirt, and a dark green suit jacket with black trim. All that is topped off with a black tie and a sexy grin.
“Mr. Burke,” I whisper to Hailey to remind her we’re at a school event. But Nolan’s eyes meet mine, burning with heat that sends a shiver through me. Getting an erection here is highly inappropriate, so I try my best to think all the unsexy thoughts I can as I reach my hand out for him. “It was a great concert.”
When our skin connects, it’s hard to ignore the spark that soars through me, and I quickly drop my hand, causing him to smile knowingly. “They did a fantastic job.” He leans down to look into Hailey’s eyes, giving her the respect most adults don’t give children. “And your solo was spectacular.”
Hailey preens, her little face alight with giddiness. “Thank you!”
He stands up, returning to eye level with me. “What do you two have planned for the rest of the evening?”
To anyone else, it would seem like friendly conversation between a teacher and a parent, but what I want to say is that hopefully, I’ll be doing him later. “We actually wanted to talk to you about that, Mr. Burke.” My voice is quiet, but I don’t miss his small shudder at my tone.
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah!” Hailey answers, practically jumping up and down. “Daddy said we’re going to decorate the tree tonight and that we can ask you to help.”
I should tell her to keep it down, but I can’t. She’s too damn excited about it, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy for any excuse to have Nolan under my roof. His eyes shift to me in a question. “Is that so?”
I nod. “Yeah. It could be fun. We’ll drink hot cocoa and decorate the tree. If you’re free, of course.”