I know I don’t own any of Nolan’s time, and it’s a Friday night. Maybe he already has plans. “Okay.” I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding while waiting for his answer. I’m not sure why I’m still shocked every time he agrees to come over, but I am.
“Great.” I smile. “You know where to find us.”
“I do.” He looks around the auditorium that’s starting to thin out as people leave. “Give me an hour.”
With that, I take Hailey to grab something to eat, and then we head back to the apartment. I tell her to change into her pajamas, and she doesn’t fight me on it, knowing Nolan will be there any moment.
When there’s a knock at the door, Hailey sprints to open it before I can get there. I laugh at how excited she is but feel it thrumming through my own veins too. It’s undeniable how happy I am around Nolan. When he walks into the apartment, I notice he’s changed into jeans and a long-sleeved blue Henley as he takes off his coat.
I hang it up for him, and we all head into the living room where the tree I bought and assembled last week stands bare in front of the large window in the room. “Well, that’s a really nice tree, Hailey.”
“It’s boring,” she says, totally unimpressed.
I laugh and grab the box full of ornaments, some new and some old. “Well, let’s make it un-boring.”
She squeals at that and hurries to the box, pulling out ornaments and handing some to Nolan before grabbing his hand and leading him to the tree. He plays along with it, studying the tree and asking her how they should approach it. She giggles at him and then goes about hanging her ornaments in whatever spot strikes her fancy.
I make cocoa, bringing them each a cup and placing it on the coffee table before helping trim the tree. I can’t help thinking about how much Heather loved Christmas. It was never a big deal for me, really just another day, but she loved it. She always tried to fix my inner grinch, forcing candy canes and hot chocolate down my throat.
I didn’t care for Christmas, but I cared for her.
The thought sours in my gut, and I can tell Nolan notices as he hangs a penguin ornament Hailey picked out for him, but he’s watching me. When it’s secure, he walks to my side, keeping his voice low. “You okay?”
I nod solemnly, looking through the box of ornaments. “Heather loved Christmas.”
He nods in understanding, and I turn on some upbeat Christmas music for Hailey, trying my best to force a smile on my face. She’s happy and healthy. I’m doing my best. I hear the words in Nolan’s voice and try to let them comfort me as he squeezes my shoulder.
“The tree is looking good.”
I look at him, thankful for the subject change as I look at the tree. “Yeah. It really is. Thank you for helping us.”
“You kidding? I love Christmas.”
I laugh, “Of course you do. You’re a kindergarten teacher. You can’t be all grinchy.”
“No way. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, Rafe,” he says with sarcasm that pulls a laugh from me.
“Right.”
We finish up and Hailey gulps down her hot cocoa, singing along happily to the Christmas music and sitting between Nolan and me on the couch. It feels so damn . . . normal. Peaceful and right.
Something I haven’t felt in a long time.
The thought is as comforting as it is unsettling, and I’m not sure what to do with it.
* * *
He can’t be calling me. I close the door to my car and stare at my phone.
Cole. The addict I tried to help who ended up pawning all my things and stealing my car. Using GPS, I found it and Cole in a shady part of town. He was passed out in a heap of people.
I answer the phone after starting my car. It’s two in the morning, and I just snuck out of the house Rafe’s aunt is renting for Christmas break. Rafe and Hailey are also staying there with her so his aunt can watch Hailey when he has to work. I haven’t met the famous Aunt Jo yet, and I’m not sure how to feel about it all.
“What?” My tone is gruff, and I’m pissed at myself for even answering his call.
“I miss you.” Son of a bitch. He’s high. I can hear it in his voice. Why I kept letting him come back over and over, I’m not sure. He didn’t have it easy growing up. His parents were horrible, and I thought I could help him. But clearly, I couldn’t.
“Cole . . .”
“Please. I miss you so much. I’ve been insanely lonely.” He does this. Every few months, he calls and begs me to come back to him, but I can’t. It used to work, but then I realized I couldn’t do it anymore.
“You’re still using.”
“I need you.”
I lean against the steering wheel, angry at my heart for actually feeling bad for him. “You need to get help.”
“If I do, can we get back together?” I hear the sad hope in his voice.
I look back at the rental house tucked neatly into the quiet suburbs and think about the night in Rafe’s room. The house was silent and dark when I texted him I was here. He let me in and led me to the room he’s staying in, locking it as always and ravaging me like it had been years since we’d been together when in reality, it had only been a week.
“No.”
“No?” He sounds shocked, and I can’t understand why. I’ve told him no so many times now. Although he’s never actually said he would get help before. “I mean it, Nolan. I’ll go to rehab. I’ll get clean. I’ll be everything you need.”
I start my car, turning the heat up and shaking my head as if he can see me. “You should.” I pull away from the curb and onto the road. “You should get sober. But only for you. Not for me or anyone else. You deserve that chance.”
“But I want you.”
There were so many nights I dreamed of him saying that to me. That he wanted me more than the drugs. I had deep feelings for him or at least I thought I did. My thoughts drift back to Rafe—his strong arms holding me and his fierce kisses that send a shockwave through me every time, no matter how damn brief.
I’m so insanely fucked.
I’m not falling for Rafe. I’ve already fallen. Hard.
“I have to go, Cole. I wish you all the best.”
I don’t allow him to say anything more and hang up, driving back to my place.
All my thoughts and everything else still with Rafe.
* * *
“So when do I get to meet this man you keep sneaking in and out of here.” I jump at the sound of Aunt Jo’s voice. I was eating cereal at the table in the kitchen. I guess I was deep in thought because I didn’t hear her come in.
“What?”
She smiles as she takes a seat across from me at the table. “Rafe . . . I wasn’t born yesterday. I know what sex sounds like, and your room is right across the hall.”
Well, that’s mortifying. “I . . . Uh.”
She gives me a knowing, kind look, cocking her head to the side. “Rafe Alexander Scott.”
“Jesus. With the full name there, Aunt Jo?” She only smiles, and I grin back. “I’m not sneaking him in and out of here. He’s only been over a couple of times.”