“Yeah, that would be Coke…” Her words are more slurred than I noticed before. “With probably a lot more rum than there is Coke.”
I take it from her, helping myself to her potent cocktail. “Holy fuck, that is strong, even for me, Kenz.” My voice scolds her, but she doesn’t react.
“I’m good; I’m so good right now.” She pulls for her drink, and I keep it just out of reach.
“How much has she had?” I look at his glass, and it’s clear with either water or vodka.
“She wanted to feel good, and I could only think of two things that would make her feel good, and since one was off-limits.” He gives me a wink, and I should be full of fury, but I can’t lie—I, too, have had the same thoughts. “I felt rum was in order.”
He hands me his drink. “Clear minds, father dearest. I thought one of us should be of sound mind.”
I take a swig, and it’s just water. “Good boy.” My sincere compliment makes him smile.
“Okay, asshole, are you ready for tonight because we’re going to decorate the fuck out of your house.” River’s words are meant to goad me.
Kenzie stands, and her fucking skirt is shorter than what she wore this morning. I’ll say she’s pushing me, testing her parameters. “Let’s get this party started.” This is her, and she’s out of the room. My gaze falls to Kenzie’s ass, where some of her rear shows, hurrying out of the room. River is standing next to me. My attention swings to him, and his eyes are the same place mine just were.
“She’s your sister, asshole.” I give him a swat on the arm.
“And she’s your goddaughter.”
He’s got me there. And anyway, it’s not like they’re biologically related.
Fuck, there’s a special place in hell for these wicked thoughts coursing through my mind.
With the drink in her hand, she continues to drown her grief in the alcohol, and I’ll allow it for the night, and one is the limit. She floats around the room, a genuine smile on her face, as she syncs her phone with my speakers, and Christmas music begins throughout the den.
Mariah Carey starts singing. Kenzie floats around the room with the plethora of decorations and smiles as if she accomplished something out of the ordinary.
“Okay, let’s start with Mom’s Christmas village. River? Is that okay?”
River turns his head away from both of us and wipes at his face. This kid doesn’t show his emotions often. I may be one of the reasons he doesn’t. After a month of us working side by side on Robert’s surprise birthday party, he came to me and confessed his feelings. He’d seen me on occasion flirt with men. I’d never hid my sexuality, but then again, it was my business and no one else’s.
He’d never been a kid who shared a lot with anyone except with his mom and dad. It may have been why he’d always been a little shit to Kenzie. But I wanted him, as much as he wished the same of me. And I sent him away that night.
It’s in my soul to want to comfort this kid. It may be one of the many reasons I’ve been such a controlling ass. I had wanted to push him so fucking far away from me, because it would have been in both of our interests. After all, why start something with Riv, I wouldn’t have been able to finish.
There’s even a sniffle accompanied by it, but as soon as his vulnerable moment is over, his whole demeanor changes. “Yeah, Kenz, let’s start with Mom’s Christmas village.”
Charles had gone through the items, anticipating all the extras we would need, and had tables from the basement brought up for Shannon’s village.
“Okay, how do you want to set it up?” she asks, and is clearly inebriated, and I think it’s the only way Kenzie’s able to get through this time and all the memories that surround it.
They begin their own little routine while I sit back and watch as they laugh at remembrances of the past. There’s sadness at times and joy of the parents Robert and Shannon were for as long as both kids remember.
After the village, she tackles a couple items of Tanya’s. I believe this is harder for me than it is for Kenzie.
I watch some of the ornaments Shannon kept of Tanya’s and decorated a tree in honor of Robert’s first wife. After all, they were best friends. I pull out the first on the top of the box and realize what I have in my hands. It was their first Christmas together, and I’d given them their couples ornament. I had no idea Tanya had held on to it. I stand still in all the memories of when we shared an apartment together. I longed to hold Tanya each night, and Robert was the one who was lucky enough to have that honor.
I’m lost in my own world, one which still has Tanya and Robert in it, when a voice pulls me out of my daydream.
“Did you hear me, Isaiah?” Kenzie asks.
“Kenz.” River’s response to Kenzie is stern, and I’ve definitely missed something in his clear warning.
“What did you ask? I’m sorry. I recognized this. I gave it to Robert and Tanya their first Christmas together.”
Her eyes swing toward River’s. “See, even more of a reason to ask.” Her words are borderline authoritative and fuck if it’s not sexy.
“Okay, so ask. What’s up?” My brain has difficulty recovering from such a severe loss in my life, and I have to ask again, as if Kenzie’s words are something I’ve just imagined, and don’t comprehend. “I’m sorry, say that again, Kenz.”
“Now for the third time I’ll ask, did you love my first mother? Were you in love with Tanya?”
I’ve always been private with my love life. I never made a big deal of who I fucked. Man or woman, it was something shared in the privacy of my room. But for some reason, I feel I owe Kenzie the truth.
“I loved your mom more than I’ve ever loved anyone, up until now.” I pause at the words of my confession, River swinging his attention to me. “But I also loved your dad like a brother. I’d been flirting with Tanya for about an hour. Then your dad walked into the bar to meet me for a beer. The second he saw Tanya, it was present in both their eyes—the immediate chemistry. I’d only known her an hour and not really vested, I guess you could say. So with the way both looked at one another, I bowed out and let him have a shot at her. I didn’t think it would go anywhere. Your dad was more of a perpetual bachelor and ladies’ man than I was back then.”
“Ewww, I could live without knowing that shit,” Kenzie sneers, wrinkling her nose at the image I had to have painted.
“Anyway, the more Robert was with Tanya, I hung out with her a lot. Robert and I didn’t go longer than a day without seeing each other, and well, I got to know your mom. I fell in love with her and fuck did I try to fight it, but I couldn’t. I never acted on it, and your father knew. He wasn’t mad because you can’t help how you feel. And because I’d never hurt Robert in the worst way a friend could, I loved her from afar.”
River’s attention is turned toward where I stand as he charges me. He stops all of half a foot from my body. His mouth devours my own, a gasp is heard from behind us. I pull back just enough to see his pupils are blown, and my heart, which always belonged to Kenz and him, has burst.
“It’s why you sent me away that night,” Riv begins. “You didn’t hurt him with Tanya, and you wouldn’t do the same thing with me, knowing it would destroy Dad.”