Though that was an option if I weren’t careful. I nodded quickly and could have kicked myself for doing so as my stomach roiled.
Making too many rapid movements was probably the wrong move in this case. I nearly ran to the nearest restroom down the hall and was grateful to find it empty.
I set my bag on the hook and dropped to my knees, vomiting up everything I had been able to keep down that morning—mainly just coffee, water, and a few crackers. But this wasn’t the first time I had thrown up in the past few days.
Sweat dampened my forehead, but I ignored it as I emptied the rest of my stomach and whatever bile tended to stay back. I used a tissue to clean up, flushed the toilet, and made my way to the sink. I washed my hands thoroughly, rinsed out my mouth, and splashed water on my face.
It wasn’t the dirtiest bathroom I’d ever been in in my life, but it wasn’t the greatest, either.
I just wanted to go home and shower, but I didn’t think I even had the energy to complete that task.
I leaned against the mirror slightly and tried to catch my breath. I had one more class for the day, but I knew I wouldn’t make it through. I needed to go home, rest, and just breathe.
I’d been sick off and on for the past couple of weeks, but I hadn’t run a fever. I knew I needed to go in and see my doctor. Maybe it was just stress. Between school, my charity work, and volunteering, I didn’t have much time to relax.
The times I did, I was with friends, enjoying their happiness and love lives while sitting next to Tanner and pretending that I hadn’t slept with him. Making believe that we weren’t well aware of what we looked like naked.
No, we hadn’t talked about it again. We pretended that it had never happened. Maybe that was for the best, as I wasn’t sure I could handle any more stress.
I sighed and made my way to my car, smiling at a few people as I did. I was always seeing people I knew from school, charity work, or my mother’s friends. They seemed to be everywhere I looked these days. Or maybe I just happened to know many people. I sighed and got into my car, then headed home.
At the stop sign, I did my best not to vomit again, knowing I really needed to get home.
The sooner I got there, the sooner I could get out of these clothes, shower, and pretend that everything was okay.
Something caught my eye, and I looked to the right to see a woman pushing a stroller, one hand on her swollen belly. The little girl of about two kicked her legs and grinned, and the mom looked so happy, though she did look almost ready to burst.
I blinked before I froze.
I did some quick mental math and swallowed hard.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. That can’t be right.”
I did the math again and nearly threw up once more.
The car behind me honked, and I looked up, noticing that the light was green. I winced and made my way forward, hitting the gas a little too hard. My tires squealed, and the mother held her stomach tighter, glaring at me.
I sighed and made my way to the next lights before turning. I couldn’t go home now. I had to think. If I went home, the others would know. They’d be able to read my thoughts.
Not that they knew what had happened between Tanner and me, but still. This couldn’t be happening.
I was not late. Right? No, I’d had my period a few weeks ago. No, that wasn’t right, either. A few weeks ago was now more than four.
And I was regular. Which meant, something was wrong.
Maybe it’s just stress, I told myself again. Yet, as fear crept over my body, I kept driving. I drove away from my neighborhood, away from where my parents’ neighborhood cut off, and away from anyone who might know me.
I wasn’t even sure if this was the right direction, but if I headed west, I knew there would be mountains there, and I wouldn’t end up hitting anything. I’d have to stop sometime.
I finally pulled over into a grocery store, one I’d never been to before, but it looked the same as the grocery store I went to often.
My knees shook as I made my way through and picked up a basket.
I wasn’t even focusing as I put a random array of products in the little handcart. Anything that looked good, something that wouldn’t stand out against what I needed to pick up. A loaf of bread. Some sandwich meat. A little round of cupcakes. Those looked cute, right?
I nearly wanted to throw up again, but I didn’t know if it was the sight of the food or what I was really here for.
I stood in the aisle, shaking, knowing I couldn’t do this alone.
I pulled out my phone and wanted to cry.
Me: We need to talk.
I slid it back into my bag, knowing I’d hear it chime if he texted back. Then I picked up the pregnancy tests, placed them in my basket, and headed to the register.
All I wanted to do was cry. Or shake. Or tell myself that this wasn’t happening.
I’d had sex once in my life. I couldn’t be pregnant.
People didn’t get pregnant by doing it just one time.
We had used a condom. And yet, all of that meant nothing because condoms were only marginally good enough. They weren’t a hundred percent effective, and I couldn’t be on birth control because my family had a propensity to get blood clots. I’d thought we had been safe, but maybe we hadn’t been safe enough.
The one time I’d had sex. Now I really was going to throw up again.
The older woman at the register didn’t even look up as she rang up my purchases. I handed over cash, thinking it would be odd if I used a credit card for this. My credit card was my parents’, though they didn’t have access to the statements. But it still felt like I shouldn’t put this on anything that could be read aloud.
Not that they would be able to see the items, but it was all about the what-if.
The clerk gave me my change. I put the leftover dollar in the charity bucket for children and swallowed hard.
I couldn’t be a mom.
This wasn’t at all what I had planned.
Nothing was.
I wasn’t even sure how I made it home. My body was sweat-slick, my hands cold, but nobody else was home. They were all in classes for the day since it was still mid-afternoon. I hadn’t even thought about that.
My phone chimed as I walked inside, and I looked down.
Tanner: On my way.
Relief spread through me, even as terror hit.
Should I take the test before he arrived? That way, I could make up a situation for why I needed him when it ended up negative. But what if the test was positive? Then I’d have to deal with him.
I wasn’t sure what to do, so I sat in my living room, holding lunch meats, bread, cupcakes, and pregnancy tests, pretending that I knew what I was doing.
Tanner walked in and scowled at me. Why did he look so hot when he scowled? And why was I even thinking about that?
“You didn’t lock the door, princess. What the hell is wrong with you?”
I raised my chin, refusing to burst into tears. “Thanks for coming over. We need to talk.”
He scowled at the bag in my hand. “So you said. Did you go grocery shopping?”
I clutched the bags tighter to my chest and nodded. “The lunch meat will go bad. I need to put it in the fridge. The cupcakes, too.”
“You asked me over to talk about cupcakes?” he said, shaking his head. “You never text me about things like that. But I figured I’d come over since I was home alone. Are you okay?”