“This is her fifth incident in nine years. Only one has been worse than this. That was while you were on your honeymoon with Victoria. She was hospitalized for a couple of days to get her back on track.”
“Wait. Let me get this straight. My sister has had an illness that I didn’t know about for nine years, she’s been hospitalized now twice, and it seems to me the only explanation I’m being given is that I was unavailable for consultation. Am I close?”
“Think about how your sister feels, Elijah,” my father offers. “This originally started with some girl drama in some very hard formative years. She wants you to think of her a certain way. She’s been terrified that this would make you think less of her. Try and understand.”
“So now not only was I not told because I was seemingly absent, but now because I would make her feel bad about something she can’t control. Is that how I’m perceived?”
“Don’t make this about Mom and Dad, Eli. Don’t make this about you either. This is about me. If you want to hate someone, hate me.” Hayley’s quivering voice echoes from the bottom of the stairs in the foyer. “They were only doing what I asked them to do. I put them in a shit position, I still am. Be pissed at me. Please? I’m the one who deserves it.”
The disgust I have in the moment for my parents takes a back seat to the tears of my sister. I can’t even look at them as I leave the confines of the kitchen to the two-level foyer. I feel like I can breathe out here, but in the same breath, have my heart ripped farther from my chest as I pull her off that bottom step and into my arms.
Hayley wraps her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck. Her face buries deep into my neck as her tears begin to drip across my collarbone. One of my hands wraps around her back, over her rib cage, as the other anchors her head to me.
I don’t know how I didn’t notice it in California. Maybe it was the shock of what happened and the rush to just understand what was wrong with her, but I can feel a deterioration to her body. She was never a big girl to begin with. I remember teasing her sometimes that she was going to blow away with the wind someday. I regret every time I teased her about it, especially when now I know it was something deeper and darker for her.
“I would have been here for you, Hayley. I could have done something. I could have watched over you. I should have been protecting you.”
“Don’t. Don’t do that. This isn’t your fault. It’s mine. It’s all mine.”
I walk around with her in my arms. We pace several rooms of the house. I finally settle in the front room. The setting sun is still allowing its rays to enter in the windows. Whether Hayley is shaking from being cold, letting go of a secret that’s been haunting her, or from the beating her body has been taking, I want… I need to get her warm.
We settle on the sofa. She pulls her knees in tight to my sides. She turns her face inward, so her cheek is now resting against my chest. This girl is still my girl, just a little more broken than I realized. She does something so familiar to me. She tugs the sleeves of her sweatshirt over her fingers, leaving only the tips visible. She begins to gnaw on the thumbnail of her right hand. Her sniffles let me know she’s still crying… I don’t even have to look.
I reach behind me and take the afghan that Gran made off the back of the sofa and wrap it around her. Without thinking, I begin to sway slowly. I’ve done this with her since she was born. The older I get, the more I realize this is a gift from the difference in our ages. She looks at me like a hero. I wish I felt like it. I’ve failed her so miserably in this.
“I love you, Eli.”
Those four words rip me wide open. I feel the tears well up in my eyes before they roll down my cheeks to rest in her hair. “Oh, Kiddo, I love you too. You never have to hide anything from me. I feel awful that you felt like you had to. Can you talk to me about it now? I don’t want to push you.”
“You’re not. My therapist has begged me for years to talk to you. She said keeping it a secret was keeping me stuck. I guess she was right.”
“I thought this went without saying, but I think you need to hear it. You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you or make you feel bad about yourself. Just be honest with me. That’s all anyone can expect. I want to help you and protect you, always. I know I might have to give the reins away someday, just not yet.”
“Eli, I need you to forgive Mom and Dad. I forced them to choose between us. Please don’t be mad at them.”
“I won’t stay mad at them forever, Hayley. I need to be mad today… maybe tomorrow as well. I have a lot of feelings inside of me too. Maybe if I’d known, I could have watched for signs. I could have gone to therapy with you. I regret all the times I teased you about certain things.”
I rub my fingers across my swollen eyes in an attempt to hide a little myself. I can feel Hayley’s head move. I feel her looking at me. Her more than petite fingers pull my hand away from my face. Her pale pink manicured fingers slide around mine.
“Eli, you don’t have to be my Iron Man, having you for my brother is enough.”
***
I sit at her bedside while she eats a small bowl of cereal and a piece of avocado toast. I don’t know if she feels it, but I do. It feels like anytime she was sick, I’d do the same thing. I’d comfort her, I’d stay by her side until she was asleep, then sit another hour to know she was settled and calm.
I don’t offer my parents words when I’m ready to leave. I give my father a hug, I kiss my mother’s cheek, and I leave in silence. The giant swing in the oak would feel good right now. The arms of my wife would feel even better.
When I’m on the other side of the gates, I call her on my hands-free. On the second ring, her soothing voice fills my ears. “Hey. I’m in the cab on the way home. Are you okay? Where are you?”
“I’m headed back to the city. I need you, that’s all I know.”
“How does a bath and a carpet picnic involving Thai food sound?”
“Perfect. It’s sounds perfect.”
Chapter 23
Wes
During the week I can convince myself that Hayley is just working late, at the gym, with her parents, or hanging out with her friends and that she will wake me with a kiss and more when she gets home. I wake up each day realizing again that’s not the case. The weekend is not a place I can do that.
I was lying awake, staring at the ceiling by six in the morning. That would be a time Hayley and I would enjoy each other in the silence…or not so silent. I toss the covers off and decide wandering around awake is definitely better than realizing I am lying there alone.
I walk into the living room and the weeks’ worth of takeout containers and alcohol bottles are a disgusting reminder of how I’ve been living and treating myself. I haven’t been to the gym in a week. I haven’t showered in two days. Hayley would yell at me if she could see what I was doing. Today would be laundry and cleaning day. She’s trained me well.
I hear Dylan’s voice in my head. Don’t be a shitshow. Put on your mask. “It starts here, man. Get your shit together.”