Wes takes hold of me around my hips and pulls me into his lap. He begins to gently massage my neck and shoulders. The subtle knots and crackles are worked through with his touch. I hadn’t realized my shoulders were up that high. The other thing I didn’t notice was that I’m always holding my breath. It’s no wonder I’m so tired all the time.
His hands feel so good as they move up and down my neck. He leans in with a soft kiss just beneath my left ear. The tender pressure from his lips sends impulses to other parts of my body and he knows it. The next breath I hold gets released in a sigh. My sigh leads to a low groan from him.
The pressure of the pads of his fingers becomes more intense down my arms. It even hurts just a little. Wes tugs on the front of the sweatshirt I’m wearing to expose my collarbone. As he ghosts over it, he whispers, “Lift up just a little.”
I raise to my knees so he can slide his gray sweatpants past my body. As if I couldn’t feel it before, he does want me or does he think this is a way to close the distance I feel between us? I don’t know. I do know it’s nice to not feel pain for a minute. Even if it’s just one. Maybe it will help. Maybe.
I finally give him my eyes. It is enough to shift from foreplay to having me sink down on him to make us one. His arms wrap around me tight as he rocks me toward him. I loop my arms under his shoulders and wrap my hands over them to keep my balance.
I tilt my head slightly back. I’m usually focused on him and only him when we make love. He’s just always been all-consuming for me. This time, I’m thinking so many things I lose track. Is this so we don’t have to talk? Is this because he thinks it will fix things? Is this because he loves me? Is this out of guilt?
The thoughts are on a revolving wheel. The harder the voices talk, the harder I pant. My body races toward orgasm, even though my head stopped just about the time we started. Wes presses himself deep inside of me as he comes in waves as I stop just short. I lay my head on his shoulder while his breathing slows in my ear.
Since I knew I wanted him, I’ve always wanted him. I’ve always been able to meet him in our pleasure. Today was the first time I couldn’t or didn’t. I love him. I think I will always love him. He’s my first in so many ways. I think he’s also going to be my first heartbreak.
“God, you feel good,” he breathes in my ear.
“You know I love you, right?” I ask.
“When I don’t know anything else, I know that. I love you too.” Still connected, Wes wraps me up and rolls me to my back. He brushes the hair back out of my eyes. I try for a smile. I hope I succeed. “There’s my girl.”
His girl.
Chapter 20
Wes
The last few days finally catch up with me. I fall asleep so hard I don’t even move. Hayley was resting on my chest when I closed my eyes. I open them to the sound of a rainstorm outside. The thunder seems to roll on and on, vibrating off of each building. It feels good to sleep more than ninety minutes at a time. It feels good to wake up organically and not to a fucking alarm and to top it off, Hayley and I can wake up in our own bed.
I groan and stretch and roll to my right to hopefully end up with a face full of blonde waves that send my body straight to attention. She didn’t wake me, so I hope that means she slept just as sound. She needs it. She needs so many things. Eli is right. I fucked this up. Today is the day I start to make it right.
I roll over not into her blonde mane, but my Wild sweatshirt that still smells like her instead. It’s sort of folded just below her pillow. “Hayles?” Her name echoes in the air with no response. “Hayley?” Another echo with only the rain outside.
My eyes blend in and out of focus as I sit up and start to survey the room. The jewelry dish on her side of the bed is empty. The suitcase I rolled in and parked by the closet door is gone. “Hayley?” I leap out of bed and pull on my sweatpants, which were balled on the floor.
The bathroom door is nearly closed. I push it open, and the reality begins to set in. Her makeup is gone. Her robe is missing. All her fragrances from the shower are gone. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I back up and race out to the living room. Her desk is bare and the charging station from the kitchen counter is no more.
She left. She. Left.
I feel my empty pockets. Phone. Where is my phone? By the bed. I run back in, tripping over my suitcase, which is still parked where I left it, and grab it off the table. When I wake the screen, I see there is a text from Hayley. Her name appears right over the top of her face. My lock screen is a picture I took of her standing with her face to the sun on Eli’s balcony. She’s surrounded by everything I love about New York.
My ass hits the bed with a thud as I open up our chat to a message that goes on and on.
Wes – I told you we could do this. When I said it, I meant it. I told you I love you. I do. I remember Eli reading me story after story over and over again about happily ever after. I used to create my own happily ever afters. I think you were forced to be at an imaginary wedding or two. You remember. All I could think about until I was old enough to know better was wanting my very own. When we first kissed, I thought it would be like that. It was for a while. Now, real life has set in. I can’t be that child who dreams anymore. I wanted to be all in. I did. This has been so hard for me, harder than I told anyone. Harder than I admitted to myself. I know you need to be there for Hannah. She needs you. You’re parents together. That’s not what this is about. I can’t feel like I’m always coming in second or getting you when she isn’t needing something. I hurt myself because I was hurting. I didn’t want to have to make you feel like you were making a choice between me and your child, but I need more. So I chose instead. It’s okay that you don’t have it in you right now. Your child is what’s most important. So, I’ve decided to move back in with my parents. I need to get back to being a healthy me, inside and out. I know at some point I will be able to see you again. I just don’t know when that will be. I know you’ll be a great dad. You have so much to give to a child. Don’t ever doubt that. Take care of yourself.
Remember, I will always love you. – Hayley
No.
No.
No.
Elijah
This conference call has gone on much longer than it needed to. Half of this could have been an email exchange. Anything for this client though. I don’t mind the extra hand-holding on the front side if it leads to more independence in the future.
I push back in my office chair and the back creaks a little. I don’t hear the voices outside my office until the door opens. “I told you he was in a meeting!” Anna exclaims.
“It’s important, Anna, or I wouldn’t be here.”
“Yes, everything’s okay, Gavin. Something urgent came up here. Give me a bit and I will ring you back. Yes, thank you. I’m sorry. Goodbye.” I finish my call and spin my chair fully around to see Wes looking like he was just coming home from an all-night bender. “It’s all right, Anna. See if you can connect with Gavin’s assistant and get us back on the calendar for this afternoon.” Wes wanders over to the mini fridge in my bookcase, retrieves a travel bottle of whiskey and begins to down it in one long gulp. “Make that tomorrow morning with my sincere apologies. Can you see that we’re not disturbed?”