Tears fell from my face as I kept on going, needing to get this out. It was like verbal vomit that just needed an escape. I didn’t know if they were sad, mad, frustrated, but probably a mix of all the above.
“I’m the reason you were almost taken away from Remy. From Micah. From this entire club. This family you created. Me! So, yes, I want to know why you don’t hate me.”
“Oh, Katie,” Ensley started, but I cut her off because I didn’t want to be belittled, and I could tell by her tone that she was heading toward letting me clean off the hook.
She couldn’t.
I needed her to hear me. Really listen to me and understand me. The rivers of salt flowed down my cheeks as my heart squeezed with every word. Every moment I shattered more and more.
“No ‘oh, Katie,’ Ensley. This is it.” I held my arms out wide. “I don’t get those things you keep shouting at me about. Not getting that happily ever after is my penance for getting you hurt.” I sucked in a breath. “For almost taking everything away from you with one stupid phone call. I never should’ve called you. No matter what he was doing to me. I never should’ve ever called you.” My head and body continued to shake as everything spewed out like word vomit.
My voice rose as the acidic thoughts were put into the world.
“They took turns with me, treating me like some toy out of a box. My screams of pain did nothing except get me slapped across the face or slashed with a knife.” I paused, reliving this moment.
“Even my tears ‘turned them on.’ Daniel said they wouldn’t stop unless I called you and got you there.” I swiped my hand over my face, no doubt completely ripping off my ‘war paint’ and being left bare.
“They kept coming. One then another then another. Five of them all together. By the time the fifth one had his turn, the first one was ready to go again—and he did. It continued, and every time one of their vile bodies were pressed up to mine. I wanted to burn my skin off. I can still smell the sweat and body odor when I have the nightmares!” My voice hiccuped as it got louder.
“One smelled like an old cigar that he had put out on my stomach. Yeah, that’s one of my scars. A perfect circle next to my belly button.
“I threw up, and they tipped me to the side to get rid of the puke. Daniel so graciously stuffed an old rag in my mouth so if I threw up again, I’d choke to death. And believe me, I wanted to die. Wished they’d just take the knife and slice my throat. But they didn’t. Death would’ve been too kind.”
I heaved in a huge breath and swiped my arm under my nose to get rid of the snot there. At that point I didn’t care what I looked like and kept right on going.
“I was selfish. I’m a horrible person and horrid sister. They kept taunting me that they’d stop if I called. I held out. I swear I did, but something inside me broke. I wanted them to stop, needed them to stop. I didn’t know what was worse—the knife that cut my skin or the club they used to hit me. It was too much. All I wanted was for them to stop, and there I went, throwing you right into the lion’s den so they could do the same thing to you that they were doing to me.”
Tears were now falling down my sister’s face. She was there with me, but the spark in her eye told me that she was angry too. She didn’t even try to stop me at this point. She must’ve known this was the only shot she had of getting this all out of me.
“I don’t get those things you keep wanting to talk to me about having. I don’t get the husband, kids, and a dog. I don’t get the happiness. My penance for dragging you to that pit is being alone for the rest of my life. Maybe find some kind of contentment, but that’s it. None of this other stuff you keep wanting so badly to speak about. So please, for the love of God, stop talking to me about Dryerson and being happy. I don’t get to have him, and every time you bring it up, it cuts me like a blade! It brings up the reason I can’t have him, and I can’t do it anymore!!” My voice raised to a yell, and I wasn’t even sure my words were understandable at this point.
“Katie…” Ensley started, and I shook my head.
“You should hate me. Want me out of your and Remy’s lives forever. Never want to leave me alone with her because who knows what I’d do. You should’ve left me back at home with our brothers and sisters. Then none of this would’ve happened. I’d be there for the men to be angry at, and none of this would’ve came to this club’s door. It’s all me. I was taken. I led you to be taken. Everyone here should despise me. Micah, well, he should be at the top of the list. Because of me he could’ve lost his happy ending.”
Full-on sobs racked my body as those last words came out, and I almost fell to the floor as my energy completely escaped me. But Ensley was there to catch me. We ended up going down to our knees as Ensley held me tightly in her arms, both of us sobbing. Both of us taking everything I said in.
I’d said everything I’d been holding in and trying to hide. I didn’t know how to feel about that.
Ensley kissed the top of my head as she swayed me like she did Remy when she was sad or scared. We ended up with me in her lap and her cradling me like a child. I was the older one. I was supposed to be the protector. But here again it was Ensley picking up that tab.
Mentally though, I was exhausted, and crying was the only thing I could do in that moment. All my strength came out in my words. I had absolutely nothing more that I could give. Drained. Spent. Just done.
“I’ll never hate you, Katie. Absolutely never.” That only made me cry harder which I didn’t think was possible.
“Ladies, we’re gonna pick ya up and take ya somewhere more private for this shit,” Micah said as Ensley and I pulled away. We both looked like hell had run us over and spit us out. Faces red and wet with mascara running down them almost like raccoons. Both emotionally rung out.
It was then I realized where we were. In the clubhouse. With everyone. EVERYONE. And as I peeked, around every single eye was on Ensley and me.
My most humiliating deed of my life was now out for everyone to know. Including Dryerson who came up behind me, picked me up, and cradled me in his arms. Sucking in his smell, I tried to tame the tears. He pressed my head into his neck and I didn’t protest because I wanted to disappear from all the prying eyes. I couldn’t add any other feelings on top of this mess I’d created.
His strong arms locked around me tight, protective. He was the only one I had ever felt safe with in my life. Here he was at my lowest, guarding me from the room.
“Up ya go.” I heard Micah and figured he had picked Ensley up off the floor too. She was as wrecked as I was.
Dryerson didn’t jostle me or talk, just held me in his arms. He was so strong, and me—I was weak. All the tears and snot running down my face proved that.
I didn’t know where we were going, but briefly I felt the sun on my skin only for it to be lost once more. He was taking us to our room.
A lock turned and a door opened, then we were inside our room. Dryerson sat down, my face still in his neck. Part of me didn’t want to let go because then I’d have to face everything I’d just blurted out. If I stayed here in his protective cocoon, I could hide from it all. Pretend I didn’t just tell my sister everything I’d held inside.