“As much as I love holdin’ ya, we have a lot of shit to unpack from what I just heard,” Dryerson told me, and I groaned, not wanting to talk. I was tired of talking. There was nothing more to say. I really wanted to sleep. In sleep, maybe I could forget it all.
Therefore, I shook my head, but he pulled his body back, so my face had to come out. His white shirt came into view, and it was covered in my war paint, tears, and snot as expected. Guess I’d left him with a souvenir for his kindness.
A small hand took mine, and I knew instantly it was Ensley. It was the hand that I’d held so many times before. Attached to someone I loved very much. “First we wash all the tears, snot, and makeup off our faces,” Ensley ordered, taking over, going straight to fix-it mode. Ever since she’d became a mom, she had that setting. Guess it was only something moms had.
She pulled me out of Dryerson’s arms even on my moan of protest, and we walked to the bathroom. My legs felt like jelly. This emotion stuff was for the birds. I could go my entire life not doing this again.
I avoided the mirror all together because I didn’t need that visual reminder. The mental one wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon, and I’d already had enough of those. We washed and scrubbed, the water turning a gray color.
We were in the pseudo apartment we had when we lived here for a bit. It was a huge space. It was bigger than my apartment, that was for sure.
After drying off with a towel, Ensley and I just stood in front of each other and stared. Not knowing what to say or how to say it, I said, “I’m so sorry,” and felt the tears roll down my cheeks once more. Does a body stop producing tears? Surely there wasn’t that much water available for their creation.
“Hey there.” Ensley wrapped me up in her arms once again and held me tight. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Katie. I’ve never blamed you for any of that.”
“But that’s the thing, you should hate me for it. What I did is inexcusable.”
“Come on.” Ensley grabbed my hand, led me out to the bed, and we sat down. I felt Dryerson, but I kept my focus on Ensley. I didn’t want to know what he thought of all of this. I was a bigger lost cause than I thought. “Love you guys, but out,” she ordered Micah and Dryerson. My sister was a tough chick, but I didn’t know if the two men would listen. Especially Dryerson. I didn’t think he would. He wasn’t that type of man. He’d want to be here with me. Another thing that caught me in the heart with him.
Both men walked to us. Micah leaned down and touched his lips to Ensley’s, and Dryerson bent to kiss my forehead. That was so sweet and made me shed another tear. They walked into the next room, not going far, but closed the door. At least we had some semblance of privacy.
Ensley grabbed both of my hands, her warmth reminding me of home. Home never was a place. No, it was Ensley.
“You feel guilty.” Ensley came right out and said it, and I nodded. “You’re right. I could’ve been pissed at you or hurt. I could’ve yelled and screamed at the top of my lungs, asking you why did you call me and put me in that situation. Why would you risk my life?”
Her words were burning a hole in my soul. But this was what I wanted, right?
“But here’s the thing, Katie. You’re my sister, and I love you. Don’t you think I know if you had any other choice you would’ve taken it? You didn’t, and if calling me to come to you meant those assholes stopped hurting you, then I’d expect that phone call. I’d be pissed as hell if you didn’t. If it took only five minutes of your pain away, I would do that for you. You think I’d leave you there? Never. And if I had lost you, unable to get to you, I wouldn’t be the same. You are a piece of me, Katie.”
“I should’ve just died. Then you wouldn’t have to have those memories or scars. You never would have been at risk of leaving Remy motherless.”
She squeezed my hand and pulled me back into what she was saying, cutting me off for a change. I was falling back down the rabbit hole, and she sensed it.
“None of what happened is your fault. None of it, Katie. That was Daniel and his demented followers thinking they had the rights to both you and me. That wasn’t you, and it wasn’t me. You’re the one they kidnapped. They did this.”
“You don’t get it…” I tried, but she continued.
“The guilt lies with them, Katie. Not on us. We are survivors of that ordeal. We stayed strong and lived. Now maybe you think you would’ve made different choices if you had to go back in time.”
I nodded.
“The choices you made helped us to save you. Do you think I could’ve lived with myself if you had died, Katie? You think I could just go on making pancakes for Remy with a smile on my face if you were taken away from me? No, Katie, and that’s what you need to understand. I couldn’t live my life knowing that you gave yours up for mine. We’re a team. We have been since we were born, but when we left home we became stronger.”
I listened to everything she said, but I felt it more. “I hear what you’re saying, but please hear me. The guilt I have inside eats away at me every single day. It’s part of my soul now. A dark, lonely place where it threatens to take over each day. I want to feel the way you do. I want to be free of all this, but I don’t know how or if it’s even possible.”
“Then we find someone who knows how, and we get you sorted,” Ensley said instantly. “If I can’t help you work though this, then we find a doctor to help. I know quite a few that I’d trust with you.”
“My head’s a mess, Ens. I’d thought it was before when we lived at home, but that was nothing compared to now. Those men took something from me. What, I don’t know exactly, but whatever it was died with them that day. I don’t think I’ll ever get it back.”
Ensley squeezed my hand. “Yes, you will.” She had so much determination and conviction in her tone that I wanted to believe her. “You will because you are strong. You don’t think so now, but you will eventually. You’ll see what I do. What those fuckers did to you was beyond horrible. I had no idea what really happened because you never told me. I tried…”
I cut her off. “I know you did. And there were so many times I just wanted to tell you and have someone I could talk to about it, but in my head I didn’t deserve that. It was part my penance to live with it.”
“Penance? You’re talkin’ about the fucked-up shit from home. You’re not there anymore, Katie. You’re here where there are different opportunities, and we can make our own rules. You don’t take penance for someone else’s actions. They deserved punishment, and they got it rotting in Hell.”
“Do you really believe that? That they are in hell? I mean, since we’re not in that world anymore.” God, I hoped they were. They didn’t deserve to be anywhere near Heaven.
“Damn straight I do. The only reason I do is because they believed that was where they were going if they burned. They needed to pay for what they’d done, and I swear to you they are. It’s on them, never you.”
Sucking in a deep breath, I closed my eyes then opened them. “What they did to me wasn’t love. It was anger. That I know. It’s just still hard when my mind goes there. I want more than anything for it to stop. Dryerson woke me up from a nightmare last night. We talked. Every word he said helped.”