“Fine. But you don’t tell anyone what you’re really up to. You have to go back to see your hometown doctor for medical reasons, you understand me? If there’s one whiff that you were at that funeral, I’ll end this myself, I promise you that.”
I turned and walked out, and I realized by the time I got out of the building that I was still holding my breath. I was relieved that McDaniels didn’t call my bluff about being willing to tank myself, but I was even more relieved by the backup plan that I’d already executed, and McDaniels had no fucking idea what that was.
Of course I told Tank and Gwen what was really going on. They both questioned the wisdom of me showing up at Keira’s dad’s memorial at all, much less without telling her I was coming, but I just didn’t want to add any more stress to her plate. The plan was that I would sit in the back—I wouldn’t even sit with Tank and Gwen.
I left the night before after I’d planted the story about me needing to see a doctor at home. When I told Tracy, she started to try to talk me into taking her with me. I nixed that idea in no uncertain terms. I had other plans for her in the works.
As it turned out, the service would be a memorial since Keira’s dad had been cremated. I spent a restless night beforehand in my old room. My folks were going to be there as well, and worried about what my showing up might do to Keira. But they knew there was no talking me out of it.
I parked the car a block away and waited until I saw the doors to the church close. I hustled in and took a seat in the back pew away from everyone else. The service was well attended, as I knew it would be. Mr. Wells was well-loved in our community. It just killed me that I couldn’t be up there sitting next to Keira, comforting her, loving her.
When the service was over, I darted out and waited at the bottom of the church steps on the sidewalk for Keira to come out.
Chapter 14
Keira
In the immediate aftermath of my dad’s death, everyone seemed to know what was best for me—my mom, my teachers, school administration. But I knew the minute I got the news what I was going to do. I arranged for special dispensation to finish out the term at home. I’d have conferences with all of my teachers, attend lectures remotely, and I’d only have to go back to take finals, which the school had arranged for me to do in succession on the one day. It made sense for me to at least finish out the semester and complete those credits. Especially since once I took my finals and went home, I wasn’t coming back.
I shut out the sound of my mother’s despair when I told her I was going to give up my scholarship. She wasn’t being rational. She’d been out of the work force for over twenty years while she raised me. Even with my dad’s insurance policy, she wouldn’t make it on any part-time job she was likely to get, and she certainly wouldn’t be able to go back to school as she’d planned. Coming home and getting a job along with her was the only way she’d be able to keep the house. No matter what anyone said about how my dad would have wanted me to stay at MSU and finish school.
I just put myself on autopilot as I did my schoolwork and helped her with my dad’s arrangements. I thought that the emptiness I felt after losing my dad had finally displaced the devastation I’d felt after breaking up with Nate, because it wasn’t really the same, and was a million times worse. At least I wouldn’t have to think about him anymore, I could just start my new life at home with my mom. I’d avoided the hometown hot spots because I didn’t want to hear how Nate had taken the Spartans to the championship once again, or how he’d signed with the Ravens like the local media had been saying.
I knew Gwen and Tank were coming to town for the service, and I was grateful to them. Some of my honor society friends had wanted to make a pilgrimage too, but I’d told them we’d get together when I came back to take my finals. Even though I was barely hanging on by a thread myself, I tried to focus on comforting my mom. But once the last note on the organ had played, she started sobbing again and just couldn’t stop. Finally, my uncle Jack half-carried her out of the church. I immediately searched out Gwen and Tank, and they encircled me in their arms.
“We gotcha, girl,” Tank said, and I just sobbed harder.
“We’re here, honey, we’re not going anywhere,” said Gwen.
After a few minutes I knew I had to get outside to my mom.
“We’ll walk out with you, and follow you back to the house,” said Tank. Because my dad wanted to be cremated, there would be no burial, something else I was grateful for.
I made my way down the steps in front of the church with Tank and Gwen behind me. I was busy holding onto the handrail, and I almost screamed when I looked up and saw Nate standing there. Then all of it, the pain of seeing him with Tracy that day, the hurt I’d felt when I found Brian Easterling tutoring him, the memory of all the times we’d been together, it all crashed down on me again, and mixed like a pool of black toxic ink in my gut.
I heard some kind of keening like an animal in pain as I sank down on the stairs, and I realized the sound was coming from me. I felt Gwen and Tank helping me back to my feet and steadying me as Nate rushed forward.
“Noooo!” I sobbed as he reached out his arms to me and I slapped his hands away. Off to the side a heard the whir and click of a camera, followed by the sound of Tank telling whatever reporter had crawled out of the woodwork to back off.
“I’m so sorry, Keira. For everything. I... I didn’t mean to cause more trouble for you by coming here.”
“I guess this is really going to mess things up for you, isn’t it, being seen at your ex-girlfriend’s dad’s memorial service?” I was shaking with rage and hurt.
“None of that matters, now Keira, I don’t have to worry about any of that anymore.”
“Well good for you!” I sobbed. Nate just looked down at the ground for a moment, and I could see the realization that he didn’t belong there wash over him.
“I’m sorry. Please give my condolences to your mom for me. I won’t come to the house. I’ll leave you be now.”
“I think that would be best,” I said.
Nate turned and walked toward his car. Tank swooped back to my side and he and Gwen helped me to the car that would take me and my mother back to the house.
The rest of the day was blur of dull, unrelenting pain. Somehow, my mom’s neighbors and friends had seen to it that the food and everything was ready by the time everyone came back after the service. Tank and Gwen stayed by my side for a couple of hours before they had to head back to school. After that, I stayed glued to my mom until the last of the guests left and the food had been put away. Neither one of us wanted to face the quiet in the house, so we both curled up on the couch and fell asleep with the Late Show on.
I guess I could say that it got easier if a state of numbness is really easy. I finished my schoolwork for the term. When I went back for my finals, I crept around the campus in stealth mode to get to the building where I’d take them, and when it was over, I insisted on meeting my friends at an old-timey coffee shop off campus where hardly any students ever went. It was good to see them for the most part. I didn’t ask about Nate, or about football at all, and they all had the good sense to realize that I didn’t want to hear anything about those subjects.