Why am I being so pessimistic today? Probably because of Fish’s mood and my brother’s presence. I might be going to therapy and working on my insecurities, but I’m still human and doubt can get the best out of me.
“Mom said you were doing an internship in pediatrics. Was that a lie too?”
I look up at the ceiling and count to ten. “I don’t lie. I work with a pediatrician in Seattle.”
“A four-hour commute is unreasonable. If you move to Seattle, I’ll help you with the expenses,” he offers.
I’m surprised and yet annoyed. He’s willing to compromise. What is it? I leave Luna Harbor and he’ll pay for wherever I want to work.
“That’s a tempting offer, but I’ll have to decline. For the first time in my life, I’m doing something I like. I enjoy working with kids. I’m finally dating a guy who I chose—who chose me. Not some loser with money who’s sleeping around. It’s not something I expect you to understand, since you’re Mommy’s little droid.”
He frowns. Staring at me as if I’m a stranger, yet someone he’s known for years but hasn’t seen in a long time.
“Do you ever do something for yourself? Is being a pulmonologist what you wanted to do with your life? Have you ever been in love, Elroy?”
He presses his lips tight.
“You study how to fix humans, but you don’t know how they function, do you? You don’t care about their emotions. Unless…” I pause, staring at him. “Did you love someone, and she left you? It was because Mommy didn’t approve of her, wasn’t it?”
He’s frozen, barely breathing. I hit the nail on the head. Once upon a time, my brother loved someone who left him.
“Let me guess. It was Martha, wife number two. Not that it matters. All of them left you because they couldn’t handle your mother and your…You’re so distant and a workaholic. I don’t want to end up like you or Wilson. He has a ten-year-old daughter who lives on the other side of the Atlantic, and he doesn’t care.”
“Ruth is not his daughter,” Elroy mumbles.
“What?” I screech.
“His wife cheated on him. When she was born, it was pretty obvious he wasn’t the dad. They divorced, and Mom thought it was best if no one knew the real reason.”
“Of course, she hid the truth. The Brennans are perfect. You people live a sad life. And the saddest part is that you want me to be a part of it. I don’t want to belong to your lies. I’m not perfect. I’ll never become like our mother and be a renowned cardiologist like her. I’m sick and tired of trying my best to please you, be enough so you’d love me and accept me.”
He’s quiet.
I can’t take his silence. “I’ll never be perfect, you know. I advise that you leave and forget about me.”
He looks at me for several beats. “You remind me a lot of your mom. She used to call me Mama’s little robot when she got mad.”
What is he talking about? Our mother couldn’t have called him that. “I’m nothing like Mother. You can ask her. That’s why she hates me.”
He shoves his hands in his pockets. He stares at his feet. “Her name was Summer Elizabeth Holstein.”
I frown, confused. “Who’s name? What are you saying?”
“Your mom’s name was Summer,” he mumbles. “We were eighteen when we met. She was a film major but planned to be a preschool teacher too. I don’t know how that was going to work out, but she was the kind of person who believed in the impossible. She was a free spirit, liked to dance anywhere, even in a public fountain.”
He chuckles. “Unlike you, we weren’t drunk, and no one caught us. She was different and that’s what made her so beautiful. It was probably love at first sight. One day I had no idea who I was, the next we became pieces of each other until we made a whole. Until we made you, our perfect little girl.”
His words gut me. All the air in the room disappears. Did he just…
“My mom isn’t Fallon?” I press a hand on my chest, trying to even out my breathing.
He shakes his head, staring at me with fearful eyes. He waits for the information to settle in.
“No.” I gasp for air. This can’t be happening. I feel betrayed, why is he saying this? “You’re lying.”
He moves his head slightly as if saying no.
“You’re not allowed to change the narrative after all these years. Get out!” I’m breathless, desperate for air or someone to wake me up from this insane dream.
“Nat, take a deep breath before you have a panic attack.”
I bend over as I count to six and exhale. I repeat it several times until I feel like I’m able to speak again. “Leave.”
“I thought you wanted to learn the truth. That you wanted to hear about my perfect girl.”
I look up. We stare at each other, breathing harshly. It’s like a throw down. One of us has to give up, I just don’t know what or who.
I have to confirm what he’s saying. “You’re my father?”
He nods.
“Where is my mom?”
He shakes his head. Of course, he doesn’t know. Did she leave me too? She did because who can live with a man like him, but why not take me with her?
My heart breaks into shards. She didn’t want me. A wave of nausea hits me. I run to the kitchen, throwing up in the sink and crying.
He’s holding my hair, patting my back. “Breathe. Take sips of air and slowly let it out.”
Carefully, he helps me clean myself. It reminds me of the few times I’d go to the park, fall down, and the nanny would call him. He’d come and patch me up, even give me a lollipop as long as I promised to be careful the next time.
Between sobs I ask, “Why make up the story of being an oopsie baby and a preemie?”
He’s hugging me, trying to calm me but it’s impossible. I can’t stop the tears, the anger, the sadness.
“You weren’t exactly planned, but we did love you the moment we learned about you. We had no idea what we were going to do. My parents wouldn’t approve even though we had been together for two years. She was from Arizona. Everything was too complicated. If I had been a trust fund baby like my friends, I could’ve taken care of you easily but…”
“You gave me up to your parents because you couldn’t afford it?”
“I wish that was the story.” His voice breaks. “We got jobs. I dropped a couple of classes so I could work more hours. Summer did the same. We planned on keeping you a secret until we had a solid plan. We were raising money to move. I…I was going to transfer to the University of Washington. Gramps was going to help us with housing.”
“Grampa knew?” I ask, moving away from his hold.
“He was the first person I called. Back then, the practice was already in trouble. He couldn’t lend me the money to move, but if I could come to Seattle he’d help us.”
“Your mom didn’t approve and you gave me up.”
He closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“What happened?” I urge him.
He opens his eyes and almost trembling, he says, “Summer died when she was twenty-seven weeks pregnant. She was coming back from work when a car ran her over. They delivered you via c-section, hoping they could save you both.”