And for some reason that made me feel guilty. I wasn’t supposed to feel less empty. I was supposed to be trying to escape. And I was worried my father’s accounts of back home were messing with my head. There was definitely something I’d been thinking about over and over again. “Those pictures you showed me before Christmas. Are you sure they were…current?” Maybe they were old. They could have easily been taken before I moved to New York. Kennedy had a crush on Felix. It made sense for the two of them to look close in the pictures. And the Untouchables had all been friends before I messed everything up too. And Matt had hooked up with a lot of girls. I knew that.
“I’m not trying to hurt you. I wouldn’t show you fake pictures.”
I nodded. I didn’t want to believe him. But I kind of did. “I thought Matt looked sad in the one with that girl.” The picture was burning a hole in my pocket right now. Well, half of it. I’d torn off the side with the random girl and thrown it out. But I kept the picture of Matt with me at all times. Because some days I needed to see the sadness in his eyes too. It made me feel less alone.
“I have more if you want to see what everyone is up to.”
I wanted to be strong enough to turn down his offer. But I wasn’t. I was eager for more information. I wanted to hear and see everything I could. I missed my friends. I missed Matt. My father was the only interaction I had with the outside world. I’d take whatever he could give me.
He pulled out a new manilla envelope and handed it to me.
I hated every picture. Because maybe I was making it up…but Matt looked less sad. Less tired. Less…empty. I knew I’d just thought the same thing about myself. I was a total hypocrite. But at the same time, I wasn’t sure I looked any less sad or depressed. I still wore that pain like a mask. Partially to protect my heart. Partially to keep Miller in the friend zone. I was definitely still sad.
But…I smiled more now than I did at first. Miller was great at making me laugh. Every night since Christmas, while we cooked together, Miller turned the volume way up and we danced. I had fun with him. Could I really be mad at Matt for having fun too?
I paused halfway through the pictures, on one of Matt cozied up to a new girl.
I’d been cozying up to Miller too. On nights when it was hard to breathe, I climbed into his bed uninvited. And he held me without saying a word. Miller was my rock.
I’d be a hypocrite for being upset with Matt.
But I also knew what kind of man Matt was before he met me. He slept around a lot. He’d hooked up with practically the whole cheerleading team. Was he doing that now?
Yes, I’d cozied up to Miller. But I hadn’t once kissed him. I’d been loyal to Matt. He was my fiancé. Did Matt remember that? Did he remember me?
I loved Matt. I wanted him to be happy. But it stung that he was so happy without me by his side.
“Are you sure you want me to try to reach out again, angel?”
I nodded. Even if it was just to know Matt had moved on. I needed to know. I needed to know everything.
I looked out the sliding glass doors at Miller. He was out on the deck reading. He loved nonfiction books. I joked around with him about it. I preferred fiction because I loved living someone else’s life for even just a little bit. Miller never acted like he needed an escape though. He was just happy here. With me.
I kept him at arm’s length because I’d made promises to Matt. It wasn’t fair to Miller. I knew that. Would everything change if Matt had moved on? Would I want more with Miller?
Yes.
I didn’t even have to think about it. There were lots of nights I wished he’d kiss me. But I knew he wouldn’t. Because I filled the silence with stories about Matt. I’d put him so far into the friend zone that there was no wiggle room.
If Matt had truly forgotten all about me though? Yeah, I’d want more with Miller. And I felt guilty for even thinking about it.
Not that it mattered. I’d never do anything with Miller until I was able to talk to Matt again. I’d made Matt a promise. And a few months didn’t erase my feelings for him. It just made him feel farther away. Miller was close. That was all it was. And that’s probably what was going on with the different girls in pictures with Matt. He was just trying to not drown.
“There is one other thing,” my dad said. “I wasn’t sure whether to wait to tell you or not…but it’s important to keep you updated on the situation back home. I need you to know that I’m not putting Isabella above you. I’m going to send her away. For a while.”
I stared at him. “Like this?” At a beach house somewhere with no contact with the outside world?
“No. Not like this.” He sighed. “A psych ward. I don’t want to get your hopes up. But…I’m going to monitor her progress. I’m not making any promises. But I’m trying.”
That was definitely trying. I’d been begging him to make her go away instead of me. “Thank you.”
“Like I said, I don’t want you to get your hopes up. It’s just a first step.”
I nodded. But my hopes were a little up. In the back of my head I was thinking that if Isabella was locked up I could be free. But that wasn’t what my dad had said. I think he wanted her to get better before he released me. And I wasn’t a big believer in Isabella ever getting better. Her wanting to kill me probably wasn’t something that could be undone. I wasn’t sure there were enough psychologists in the world to untangle her mess of a mind. Too bad there wasn’t a little pill that made you not a serial killer. So yeah…my hopes had been up for a second. But it was pointless. My dad wouldn’t let me leave if I wasn’t safe. And I truly believed that I wouldn’t be safe until Isabella took her last breath.
“I need to get back to the city.” My father stood up. “Unless there’s something else you need?”
“No. I’m good.”
He kissed the side of my forehead. “See you again soon, angel.”
I watched him walk away. He no longer needed his cane. He looked healthy and happy. I knew I should hate him for keeping me here. But it was hard to hate him when he was being nice to me. For a long time I wished him dead. I was glad he wasn’t now. I was glad I’d helped save him. He was the only family I had. And even though he was going about this situation all wrong…he was trying. It wasn’t his fault that he was a bad parent. Before I showed up he’d only had a psychotic daughter. If I was Isabella’s parent, surely I’d be a monster too.
I sat back down on the couch once the front door closed. It was tempting to go out on the deck with Miller. But I was still eager for more information. And I’d only been through half the pictures.
I loved seeing Kennedy and Felix happy. It was hard to tell from the pictures if they were just friends or something more. But their smiles were real. I’d hated how I left things with Kennedy. She had been my best friend. I’d betrayed her trust. And I wished I had one more chance to explain. I was just trying to help. I tried not to get teary-eyed as I saw her smiling and laughing. I was happy for her.
I flipped through a few more and my hands froze.
I’d wanted more information.
I’d wanted answers.
And there they were.
Matt wasn’t smiling at the camera in this one. He was too busy making out with some girl with brunette hair. It wasn’t Isabella. But it didn’t really matter. What mattered was that it wasn’t me. It wasn’t me and it looked a lot more like Isabella than it did me. I didn’t know what that meant. But I knew what him kissing someone else meant.