He’d moved on.
I shook my head and flipped to another picture. Another one of him and the random girl in a full-on make-out session. I didn’t care that there were red Solo cups everywhere. There was no amount of alcohol I could drink that would make me cheat on Matt.
I tried to take a deep breath.
He thinks you’re dead.
It was a good argument for his actions. But at the same time…he’d promised me the rest of his firsts. But he’d just had another first kiss with someone new. Were the promises he made to me really so easy to forget? Was I that easy to forget?
I stared at the picture.
Apparently I was.
He thinks you’re dead.
There was just one problem with that. I wasn’t dead. And my heart was broken.
***
Sometimes when I ran, I’d stop really far away from the beach house and scream at the top of my lungs. I’d scream as loud as I possibly could. But that’s when the beach was isolated. It was busier now. Someone might hear me scream and ask questions. And questions would lead to me having to move to another safehouse.
So instead of screaming, I just ran farther and farther. I ran until my legs hurt. Until I couldn’t run anymore. Until I collapsed in the sand and cried.
It hurt to think of what a life without Matt would be like.
Like this? Running until my lungs and legs gave out? A life filled with pain? That’s what life felt like without him. I’d been holding on to a hope that no longer existed.
He’d forgotten about me.
And the only thing that kept me going was thinking that he hadn’t.
It felt like he’d actually cut out a piece of my heart. And the life was slowly draining out of me.
Miller collapsed on the sand beside me. He always followed me on my runs, keeping his distance. He had to. I knew he saw me scream out my frustrations. But he never approached me when I screamed. I was surprised he approached me now.
“I saw the pictures,” he said. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“There’s nothing to talk about. He forgot about me.” I hated the tears that stung my eyes. I shouldn’t be crying over a boy that was happy I was dead.
“I’m sure he didn’t. I know it’s hard to put yourself in his shoes, but imagine how he must be feeling.” He ran his hand up and down my back, soothing me. He was good at that. Calming me down. He made it easier to breathe.
“I know how he’s feeling,” I said. “He’s feeling like he’s horny and wants to bang some rando.”
Miller laughed. “Maybe. Or he’s in pain and missing you too. And just trying to find some semblance of happiness in the chaos.”
“Why are you always defending him? Why don’t you throw him under the bus? You don’t even like him.”
“I don’t. But you do.”
I shook my head. “You should be telling me how terrible he is. How you and I are a better fit. How he moved on and so should I.” I regretted the words as soon as I said them. I didn’t want Miller to try to win me over. Not when my heart was broken. Not when I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. My head and my heart were confused. I didn’t know what I wanted. All I knew was that I was fucking pissed. I was pissed at everyone and everything.
His hand fell from my back. “You made your choice last fall. And I’m doing my best to respect that.”
What if I didn’t want him to respect my decision? What if I wanted to climb on top of him in bed instead of curling into his side? I deserved to find happiness in the chaos too. And what if I was just being an idiot and I’d chosen wrong last fall? I’d made a lot of terrible decisions back in New York. Maybe Matt was one of them.
“I saw the way you looked at him,” Miller said. “You didn’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“Like you couldn’t live without him.”
“He seems to be living perfectly fine without me,” I said.
“And what about you? How are you doing without him?”
“I’m doing great. I’m living it up at a beach house with a hot guy.” I stared at him. Fuck Matt. I was done. “But I’d be doing a lot better if we were more than friends.”
He raised his eyebrow. “You’re in a destructive mood today.”
“Wouldn’t you be?”
He slowly stood up and brushed the sand off the back of his shorts. “Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t have anyone missing me back home.”
Me either. But I knew what he meant. He’d left nothing behind. “Well, I can think of a few ways we could both feel better.” I didn’t even know what I meant by that. Part of me wanted to walk into the ocean and drown. The other part of me wanted to jump on top of Miller and make out with him right in the sand.
“You’d regret it.”
I wasn’t sure if he was thinking about the make-out session or the drowning thing. “I wouldn’t regret kissing you.” I’d kissed him before. I liked kissing him. I loved kissing him. Miller was a fantastic kisser. And it wasn’t like I hadn’t been thinking about it. Of course I had. Unlike my dad’s nickname for me, I wasn’t an angel. But I hadn’t acted on it. Because I was fucking engaged.
“Well, I’d regret it,” he said.
Ouch. I probably deserved that though. He was right. I was in a very destructive mood today. It was like I was asking to be hurt. Maybe I just needed a little push to walk into that water and keep going until it was impossible to turn around. Because a part of me wanted that. It already felt like I was drowning. Why not actually drown?
“You can’t be angry with me right now,” he said. “You know how I feel about you.”
I shook my head.
He grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him. “Ask me to kiss you again when you’re not pissed off at the world. Ask me when you mean it. I’m not doing this again as a substitute for what you really want. Ask me when I’m your first choice.” He let his fingers fall from my chin. “And then I’ll say yes.”
My heart was racing. And it wasn’t because I was out of breath from my run anymore. I wanted to ask him again right now. Because he was looking at me like he wanted to kiss me. But…I’d seen him look at me like that a lot since we’d been shacked up together. I’m sure I’d looked at him the same way.
We were friends right now for a reason. Because a friend was all I needed. Right?
I wasn’t looking at him like a friend anymore though. I felt betrayed. I felt empty. I felt…like I’d made the wrong choice last fall. I’d messed up. Miller was patient. And kind. And gorgeous. I even found the small scar on his cheek beautiful. He was amazing.
I loved Miller. And I’d been slowly falling in love with him.
And I hated myself. I hated myself for being a hypocrite.
I was in love with two people at the same time. And only one of them was staring back at me. I couldn’t tell him I was all in when half my heart was with Matt though. So instead, I just nodded.
“Race you back?” Miller said.
“I have a better idea.” I looked around to make sure the beach down here was clear and pulled off my sweaty shirt.
Miller just stared at me.