“Do you want to come inside?” Miller asked.
“No.” My teeth chattered. I thought he’d walk away, but instead he sat down next to me.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t look at him. I just kept staring out at the ocean. “What’s there to talk about?”
“Everything.” He sighed when I didn’t respond. “Anything.”
I sniffed. What did he want me to say? I was supposed to get married today. I should be smashing cake in Matt’s face right about now. No, it was probably later than that. He’d probably be whisking me away in a limo to the airport. We’d be lounging on a warm beach somewhere by morning. Enjoying life.
Instead…I was dead. There would be no “I dos.” No promises of forever. Our forever had been cut short because my dad was a monster. And so was I.
I kept coming back to that. Maybe if I hadn’t betrayed Matt’s trust, he’d be looking for me. Maybe we’d still be saying “I do” in front of all our family and friends. Instead…he hated me. I was dead and forgotten.
Miller cleared his throat. “The first thing I ever heard about the two of you was that you were broken up. I asked you what he did. And you said it was because of what he didn’t do.”
“Yeah. I remember.” Matt used to treat me like a dirty little secret. But he’d changed.
“I know you’re upset. But…”
“Miller, I really don’t need to hear a whole speech about how Matt doesn’t deserve me or wherever this is going. I chose to be with him forever. We deserved each other. Because we’re an us.”
“I wasn’t going to say you deserve better than Matt. Not at all. I was going to say that this situation has nothing to do with what he didn’t do. I wasn’t sure if you were out here upset with him for not trying to come rescue you from this mess. But how can he rescue you if he doesn’t know you’re still alive?”
I sniffed.
“I think he would have shown up if he knew you were out there somewhere. I truly believe that.”
I tried to blink away my tears. That was kind of him to say. Especially because he didn’t exactly like Matt. After all, I’d chosen Matt over him. None of it mattered though. I’d had a week to think about the pictures my father had shown me. And Matt wasn’t missing me. “You didn’t see the pictures.”
“Actually I did. Maybe you didn’t.” He pulled one out of his pocket and handed it to me. And then he turned on a flashlight, spotlighting the picture so I could see it.
It was the one of Matt with his arm draped about some other girl’s shoulders. “He’s smiling,” I said.
“Is he though?”
I wiped the tears out of my eyes. Matt most definitely was smiling. But I knew him. And now that I was looking at it closer…something was off. Yes, he was smiling. But it didn’t reach his eyes. His eyes looked…haunted. Sad. Tired.
Exactly the way I’m sure my eyes looked.
Miller made me laugh sometimes too. I snuggled into his side when I needed comfort too. But I’m sure my eyes looked as vacant as Matt’s. I swallowed hard. “He misses me.”
“Of course he misses you. You’re easy to miss.”
I sniffled. There was this hope in my chest. This small thread of hope I could hang on to. Maybe Matt was looking at the stars tonight too. Missing me. Wishing we were together again. When I first saw the picture, I didn’t want to believe he’d moved on. I freaked out. But what if he hadn’t?
“Come on,” Miller said and switched off the flashlight. “It’s freezing out here. Let’s go inside.”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“It’s too cold.”
“Please, Miller. I just…I need to be out here tonight. I can’t be in there. I need to know that he’s out there somewhere looking at the same sky as me. Wishing that we were getting married too. I just need…I need this.”
“Okay.” He put his hand down on my shoulder and squeezed it. “I’ll be right inside if you need anything.”
“Actually, could I have the flashlight back?”
He handed it to me. “I know today was supposed to be the best day of your life. And I’m sorry it was one of the worst instead.”
I turned the flashlight back on and stared down at Matt’s face in the photograph. I hadn’t asked for this. I never wanted to die and fade away. And Matt wouldn’t let that happen. I felt terrible for doubting him. Terrible for letting my father’s lie creep under my skin.
Matt loved me.
He was out there. Thinking about what today could have been too. I traced his smile with my fingertip. I’d find my way back to him if it was the last thing I did.
Chapter 17
Tuesday - Christmas
Miller knocked on my bedroom door.
I groaned and rolled over. I didn’t want to face today. The 22nd had been hard enough. But this would be my first Christmas without my mom. I thought I’d be spending it with Matt in the Bahamas. Two newlyweds having fun on the beach. The holiday would have been easier to swallow that way. But here in this house? No, I wasn’t going to face today. I’d already planned to tell Miller I was sick and had to stay in bed all day.
Miller slowly opened the door. “Merry Christmas.”
I opened my eyes and couldn’t help but smile. He was wearing a Santa hat and carrying a steaming cup of something.
“What are you wearing?” I asked.
“Just bringing some Christmas cheer.” He walked into the room and handed me the mug.
I looked down at the marshmallows floating on the top. “Hot chocolate for breakfast?”
“It’s Christmas. What else would we have for breakfast?”
I laughed. “Oh, I don’t know…” I pictured Christmas with my mom. “Monkey bread and eggs and fresh fruit and so much candy from our stockings.” I took a sip of the hot chocolate. Honestly, this was pretty great too.
He laughed. “Well, as we both know…I’m not that great of a cook. But…I think you’ll like what’s waiting for you in the kitchen.”
“What?”
“You’ll have to get up and see.” He grabbed the hot chocolate mug out of my hands.
Well, now I was too curious to not climb out of bed. Plus, it seemed like I had to or else he wouldn’t give me my hot chocolate back. And I didn’t feel like cooking, so that was probably the only thing I would get to eat all day. I shoved my feet into a pair of fuzzy slippers and followed him down the stairs. My feet froze on the last step.
Miller had transformed the whole first floor into something straight out of a Christmas movie. There was thick, green garland draped all over, covered in red ornaments and white Christmas lights. There was fake snow, candy canes, and the tree I’d ignored in the corner was fully decorated. It looked like a Christmas elf had broken into the house overnight and gone totally ham.
“What is all this?” I asked.
“I thought maybe we both needed a little Christmas spirit. Are you hungry?” He gestured toward the kitchen counter that was filled with everything my mom would make. The fresh fruit, the monkey bread, and scrambled eggs.